“Yelp Reviews of Fast Food Restaurants,” a comic by Mary Shyne

“My bunkass meal was eleven dollars”

“Yelp Reviews of Fast Food Restaurants,” a comic by Mary Shyne

Woman, on the phone, walking into a Dunkin Donuts: This place is clean, spacious, and not crowded.
(Woman, anxious, in a yoga class.) Because I'm socially anxious, this is a huge plus.
(Woman imagining herself ordering donuts after the gym, cashier appears to find her attractive.) Woman, on the phone: One time I asked for a sugar glazed donut
(Woman, remembering Dunkin Donut paying attention to her.) Woman, on the phone: And the guy was like, "Oh, you want six today?"
(Person on the other line hangs up. Woman looks at phone, surprised.) CLICK
Woman, dejected: Well, it was really funny. I'm just not good at telling stories.
(Apothecary breaks a Taco Bell taco) Tacos are still crunchy and tasty breaks. *CRACK*
(Apothecary standing over cauldron, looking menacingly at boiling concoction.)  Diet Sierra Mist too is a plus.
(Apothecary running towards church.) I do have a theory tho that every taco bell makes
(Apothecary nails sign saying "It's all the same!" on church door.) Is made of the same thing.
(Hooded figures scoop different ingredients - rice, sour cream, refried beans - into  a vat beneath an idol.) They glop together different concoctions of ingredients and
(A Taco Bell item appears.) PRESTO. A new menu item.
(Two babies in the maternity ward. One named Shirt Red, the other Shirt Black.) The staff is divided into red shirts and black shirts.
(Toddler Shirt Red, sitting in front of the TV, Mother leaving for work in an apron. Toddler Shirt Black, learning numbers with a babysitter, mother leaving in formal attire.) To pacify waiting customers, a black shirt authorized the red shirts to offer spring rolls "on the house."
(Shirt Red, tired, works at a fast food place. Shirt Black, tired, works late writing a paper.) When the red shirt got to my takeout box, I reminded her that she offered free spring rolls.
(Shirt Red takes an online coding class. Shirt Black takes an in-person Theory 101 class.) The red shirt failed to comprehend the situation and called a black shirt to intervene.
(Shirt Red receives a rejection letter, is told he is underqualified. Shirt Black makes pleasant conversation with a co-worker.) This experience has been very upsetting for me, because for the longest time I refused to believe
(Shirt Red sits in an interview with hiring manager Shirt Black. Shirt Black thinks, "Crazy that our names are both "Shirt," while looking over his resume.) That those from Ivy Leagues are trained to lead while those from CUNY schools are trained to be led.
(Soldier makes their way through a jungle-restaurant hybrid.) This place is pretty grimy.
(Eyes blinking in the background. Soldier gripping their back of McDonalds, scared.) It attracts a strange set of characters -- especially at night.
(Soldier looks up, light streaming through the trees.) Still, it's 24 hours
(Soldier, map in hand, looking at the moon shaped like a McDonalds "M.")
(Soldier, sitting outside of the jungle, eating their McDonalds.) And if you go, you go for breakfast, you're likely to [avoid] the really "interesting" characters.
(Soldier still eating, Grimmace, Ronald McDonald and the Hamburglar peering from the trees.) who materialize after dark.
(Man is getting robbed by someone in a Burger king mask.) I thought fast food was cheap - my bunkass meal was eleven dollars.
(Man is eating a burger, crying and handcuffed at gunpoint.) A damp, krinkled soggy greasy ass whopper, fries saltier than Poseidon
(Man is tied up, captors dripping an Icee on his head.) and a melted icee
(Captor in Burger King mask is driving a convertible.) But that hot rod booth...
(Man who was kidnapped stuffed in the trunk of a convertible.) One of the coolest things I've had a "meal" in.

“Beauty Spell,” by Simeon Mills

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