Thank you for your interest in querying our literary agency with your writing project. For the sake of our time, and yours, please review these guidelines and follow our instructions closely.

1. Handwritten queries will not be read. This applies to queries written in crayon, blood, or tears.

2. We are proud to be a “green agency.” Therefore, we no longer accept paper queries via postal mail, carrier pigeon, or rocks thrown through our windows with paper queries attached (ditto on pigeons attached to rocks attached to queries).

3. Emails with attachments will be mocked, punched in the face, and deleted unread.

4. Please remember that we receive over 3,000 submissions every nanosecond. We regret that this volume makes it impossible for us to send a personal reply.

5. Your form rejection may arrive in two weeks, or a year or, likely, never. If “never,” consider it a “pass.” This is not necessarily a reflection on your work but an unfortunate necessity due to the volume of submissions we receive (see above). Also, it’s a reflection on your work. We hate it.

6. Please do not query us with short story collections or poetry. Remember we work on commission and have mortgages to pay.

7. Only send your best work. Not only should your book be completed before you query, it should be workshopped, extensively revised, professionally edited and proofread, and accompanied by a full plan for its marketing and the names and contact information of everyone who will buy it.

8. If you are submitting this query to us “exclusively,” please indicate such in your cover letter so that we may reject it very quickly and not keep you waiting.

9. Please do not send your query to the entire agency. Rather, tailor your query specifically to the agent on our team who can best reject your project.

10. Feel free to follow up if four weeks have passed since sending your query. If another four weeks have passed after your follow-up, feel free to curl into the fetal position.

11. Assuming you have followed the above instructions correctly, our interns look forward to rejecting your work!

12. We are not currently accepting submissions.

7 Responses

  1. Deanna Fugett

    Seriously, I’ve read this five times now. It’s brilliantly hilarious. And the truth weaved in is such a painful reminder of how hard this industry really is.

    Reply
  2. Beth Solheim

    Smiling! After waiting eight years for a reply to my exclusive submission, I now have renewed hope.

    Reply
  3. Mike thepaladin

    What humor? This seems to me typical of such letters. I congratulate you on your insight.

    Reply
  4. Sonia Gupta

    Firstly, i was totally flabbergasted. Then i understood it to be a joke. Great sense of humour !

    Reply

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