A Gift Guide for the Writer with Affluenza Who Has Everything But a Book Deal

What to buy if you only shop out of the Goop gift guide

Are you a trust-fund baby who finds pleasure in setting cash ablaze? Or are you at least shopping for one? Good news! We have curated this gift guide for writers with affluenza inspired by the lifestyle experts at Goop. No inserting gemstones up orifices necessary! (Although are you sure you wouldn’t write better with a rock up your chach?)

Tushy the Detachable Bidet ($69) for the Writer Who Spends a Lot of Time on the Toilet

Do your best ideas materialize as you’re hunched on the toilet seat suffering from irritable bowel syndrome? Enter Tushy, the detachable bidet which will free your hands to scribble down that spark of genius on toilet paper before it fades from your mind forever.

Banana Lamp ($340) for the Writer Struggling to Find Symbolism

This banana-shaped lamp serves the dual purpose of illuminating light as you scrawl down the pages of your experimental novel on handcrafted Italian-marbled paper and providing inspiration for all the heavy-handed phallic symbols that every Great American Novel must have. (No yonic symbols though because vaginas are gross and should be thoroughly steamed after use.)

Shine Paper 24K Gold Rolling Papers ($50) for the Writer Who Loves Weed and Bling

Smoking weed makes you a great writer. This is an undeniable, concrete fact. Boost your creativity by rolling your own with these 24K gold rolling papers handcrafted with the finest edible gold. Don’t just be at the literary party. Be the literary party.

Rolex ($10,395.00) for the Writer Who Needs a Deadline Extension

Is your pesky editor haranguing you with endless texts of “when are you going to hand in that draft, it’s been five years now?” With a yellow-gold Rolex on your wrist, you can ever-so-subtly point out that you can’t possibly meet your editor’s deadlines because fine art takes time and time is a Western construct that doesn’t actually exist and really, your editor is being a racist imperialist by imposing his absurd worldviews on you.

Questions & Empathy Card Deck ($25) for the Writer Who Is a Sociopath

We hate to break it to you, but if you’re a writer, you may be a psychopath. But that’s okay. Learn how to fake emotions with these applied empathy card deck (it’s cheaper than therapy!). Pretend to be caring human being one card at a time™.

Brain Dust ($38) for the Writer Trying to Kick a Cocaine Habit

Do you feel distracted? Foggy? Tired? Going through pangs of withdrawal? Replace your cocaine habit with this herbal alternative, Brain Dust! At $38 for 1.5 ounces, this “mental potion” is a teensy tiny bit more affordable than a drug addiction. #Getdusted with the herbs “used traditionally by great thinkers” and produce better writing when you’re in a “superior state of cognitive flow, clarity, memory, creativity, alertness, and a capacity to handle stress.”

Breakfast With Giraffes (from $620) for the Writer Trying to be Ernest Hemingway

The greatest writer on Africa of all time is Ernest Hemingway. His two trips to the continent practically made him a native. Experience the real, authentic (but sanitary) side of Africa the country at this all inclusive bed-and-breakfast where you can return with a hunting trophy of Cecil the Lion II and fodder for your next novel about fearless white expats on the trail of a rare albino rhinoceros interspersed with a sprinkling of poverty porn.

100 Questions About Sex ($14.95) for the Writer Who Is Bad at Writing About Sex

Hi James Frey! We found the perfect gift just for you, since your vocabulary seems limited to “white,” “god,” and “cum.”

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