Dorian Gray Drops His Skincare Routine

You, too, can avoid the wrinkly, gnarled hand of time and your own wicked nature

Photo by Milan Popovic on Unsplash

Hi everyone! Dorian here, back with another vlog. You all were absolutely blowing up the comments section on my last video with things like, “Dorian! How do you look so young?”, “What’s your secret??”, and “It is not humanly possible to look this good for this long.” So flattering! I wanted to give you guys a thank you for being such dedicated subscribers, so today let’s dive into my skincare routine! 

You have to start off with a clean face, so to begin I usually go in with gel cleanser first to get all the dirt and grime, and then a micellar water as a softer way to clean up any residual gunk. Next, have your friend Basil paint a portrait of you. 

Now I know, I know, this part is a splurge. Not everyone has an artistically talented friend who idolizes you so much that their adoration practically spills out of the painting, and even the ones that do may have to cough up some dough for a really good portrait. But trust me, I’ve tried a lot of different things to keep my face looking fresh, and this is the one part of my routine that is non-negotiable. You won’t believe the results. 

While you apply the toner, pledge your immortal soul to the painting.

Ok, moving on! After I cleanse my skin I use a nice moisturizing toner. This is great for hydration which is important to me because I have very dry skin. While you apply the toner, pledge your immortal soul to the painting. Beg it to absorb any sign of age or sin so that you, yourself, can remain youthful and untouched by the wrinkly, gnarled hand of your own wicked nature. Once you’re done with that, you can fan your face a bit to help the toner dry. I know I look soooo silly right now but just trust me! 

So now your face is clean and toned and it’s serum time! A lot of people skip this step, but finding a good serum works wonders! I love this peptide serum in particular because it’s great for anti-aging and making the skin feel plump and springy. By now, you have no doubt done something terrible, like ruefully scorned a lover or acted in a selfish manner—I know because I have! If you look closely, you’ll notice that the painting has changed expressions and now mocks you with a sneer. At this point, I typically pop that baby in the attic so that no one else can be horrified by its transformation. Again, people sometimes want to just skip this step, but I find it’s really important to hide the proof of your iniquity from your friends and family. 

Now that your skin has gotten all its vitamins and nutrients, you should be feeling fresh and clean. For makeup, I’m going to start with a foundation base, and I use this long-lasting one for full coverage. The long-lasting part is really important for me because I need my makeup to stay put all throughout the night. If you’ve seen any of my other videos, you know that when I go out, I go out, so I need a foundation that can keep up, ya know? If you can’t get this particular foundation, a drugstore foundation is also totally fine because, again, your painting in the attic is going to be taking most of the damage anyway. 

Is putting my soul in a painting safe? Does my insurance cover it?

A lot of people ask, is putting my soul in a painting safe? Does my insurance cover it? Will people be able to tell I’ve had work done? And the answers to that are yes, no, and you won’t even care because you’re going to be looking like an absolute snack and they’re just jealous. 

Finally, I like to finish my routine with a little powder foundation just to give my skin that matte look. Don’t want to be out and about with my face looking all oily! Now, if you’ve been engaging in a lot of hedonistic activities, just one bacchanal after another of carnal delights, you’ll notice that your picture looks pretty hideous. This is totally normal! You’ve been fucking and sucking your way through London, and all that action is bound to take a toll. 

At this point you should be feeling pretty guilty and wanting all the proof of your atrocities to disappear. So you’re just going to grab a knife and lunge, blade-first, at the painting that now mocks you and your hypocrisy. Be careful you don’t have any leftover toner on your fingers, or else the blade could slip and you could accidentally stab yourself in the chest. If this happens and you are suddenly made into the crumpled, horrid being you have always known yourself to be, take solace in the fact that you’ll soon be dead and therefore will not have to suffer being ugly for long. 

Thanks so much to Superficiality for sponsoring my video today, be sure to check out some of their other great products like sexism and The Kardashians!

More Like This

How To Take an Author Photo

Maybe you committed a murder like the one in your novel. Maybe you didn't

Nov 2 - R.L. Maizes & Ali Solomon

7 Novels that Defined the Obama Era

Andrew Ridker, author of "Hope," recommends books that capture the cultural moment of Obama’s America

Sep 21 - Andrew Ridker

Even the Smartest Phone Can’t Find Water in a Desert

"Find Water Near Me," a short story by Jessie Ren Marshall

Aug 23 - Jessie Ren Marshall
Thank You!