I Don’t Even Know What I’m Saying Goodbye To

a Comic by Esther Werdiger

I Don’t Even Know What I’m Saying Goodbye To

Row 1, Panel 1: Disembodied lips: B... Bu... Bay... Bee...Row 1, Panel 2(Woman looking at pregnant belly in mirror.)Row 1, Panel 3:(Woman, in bath tub looking at pregnant belly) I'm having a baby. Row 2, Panel 1: (Woman, lifting up baby shirt) It could happen at any time!Row 2, Panel 2: (Woman, looking at unused stack of paper and pen.) I'm disappointed at how little I drew while pregnant. Row 2, Panel 3: (Woman, sighing: Not a surprise: I am perpetually disappointed at how little I draw, always. Row 3, Panel 1: (Woman, tossing crumpled paper in trash bin) I WANTED to but nothing I started was any good. Row 3, Panel 2: (Woman, scribbling) I only managed to finish one comic. Row 3, Panel 3: It was mostly me complaining -- Waa, I'm so tired. Waaa, my pants don't want to fit. Waaa, this is confusing.Row 4, Panel 1 And about how I feel guilty complaining. Woman, thinking: You know, you're actually having a really good pregnancy. Some women have it rea-Row 4, Panel 2 And just general coming to terms with being pregnant. Woman: I get to wear overalls!Row 4, Panel 2 (Woman in bed, unable to sleep. Partner sleeping.) I will tell you, it takes every day of nine months to come to terms with it. Row 5, Panel 1: (Woman lying down, pregnant belly exposed.) Even if it's planned. Row 5, Panel 2: (Woman, walking.) Even if things are good. Row 5, Panel 3: (Woman shopping online) So yeah! About to have a baby. Row 6, Panel 1: (Door ajar.) I am sad about a chapter of my life ending. Row 6, Panel 2: (Nursery, with newly built crib) I don't even know what I'm saying goodbye to. Row 6, Panel 3: (Face of new baby.) Or why I'm always so fearful of losses. Even in the face of obvious gains.Row 7, Panel 1: (Picture of woman and husband, just married.) I tell my husband that I hope I never forget about when it was just us two. Row 7, Panel 2: (Coffee cups) And we could just do whatever and be so lazy. Row 7, Panel 3: (Pens and stack of blank paper, ready to draw.) And me thinking that I could always just draw tomorrow. Row 8, Panel 1: (woman, sleeping) I don't know what my life will soon be like. Row 8, Panel 2:(Woman, holding her new baby.) And yes I'm excited but I'll never feel ready. Row 8, Panel 3: (Uncapped pen.) These are hard feelings to understand, maybe they will change quickly. For now all I can do is write them down.
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Esther Werdiger writes, illustrates, and makes comics. Her work has appeared at The Awl, The Hairpin, The Forward, Buzzfeed, Racked, and elsewhere. She was the creator of the long-running comics series The League of Ordinary Ladies and a podcast called Sounds Ace with Esther C. Werdiger. She’s from Australia, but she lives in Brooklyn.

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