I Don’t Even Know What I’m Saying Goodbye To

a Comic by Esther Werdiger

I Don’t Even Know What I’m Saying Goodbye To

Row 1, Panel 1: Disembodied lips: B... Bu... Bay... Bee...Row 1, Panel 2(Woman looking at pregnant belly in mirror.)Row 1, Panel 3:(Woman, in bath tub looking at pregnant belly) I'm having a baby. Row 2, Panel 1: (Woman, lifting up baby shirt) It could happen at any time!Row 2, Panel 2: (Woman, looking at unused stack of paper and pen.) I'm disappointed at how little I drew while pregnant. Row 2, Panel 3: (Woman, sighing: Not a surprise: I am perpetually disappointed at how little I draw, always. Row 3, Panel 1: (Woman, tossing crumpled paper in trash bin) I WANTED to but nothing I started was any good. Row 3, Panel 2: (Woman, scribbling) I only managed to finish one comic. Row 3, Panel 3: It was mostly me complaining -- Waa, I'm so tired. Waaa, my pants don't want to fit. Waaa, this is confusing.Row 4, Panel 1 And about how I feel guilty complaining. Woman, thinking: You know, you're actually having a really good pregnancy. Some women have it rea-Row 4, Panel 2 And just general coming to terms with being pregnant. Woman: I get to wear overalls!Row 4, Panel 2 (Woman in bed, unable to sleep. Partner sleeping.) I will tell you, it takes every day of nine months to come to terms with it. Row 5, Panel 1: (Woman lying down, pregnant belly exposed.) Even if it's planned. Row 5, Panel 2: (Woman, walking.) Even if things are good. Row 5, Panel 3: (Woman shopping online) So yeah! About to have a baby. Row 6, Panel 1: (Door ajar.) I am sad about a chapter of my life ending. Row 6, Panel 2: (Nursery, with newly built crib) I don't even know what I'm saying goodbye to. Row 6, Panel 3: (Face of new baby.) Or why I'm always so fearful of losses. Even in the face of obvious gains.Row 7, Panel 1: (Picture of woman and husband, just married.) I tell my husband that I hope I never forget about when it was just us two. Row 7, Panel 2: (Coffee cups) And we could just do whatever and be so lazy. Row 7, Panel 3: (Pens and stack of blank paper, ready to draw.) And me thinking that I could always just draw tomorrow. Row 8, Panel 1: (woman, sleeping) I don't know what my life will soon be like. Row 8, Panel 2:(Woman, holding her new baby.) And yes I'm excited but I'll never feel ready. Row 8, Panel 3: (Uncapped pen.) These are hard feelings to understand, maybe they will change quickly. For now all I can do is write them down.
Click to enlarge

Esther Werdiger writes, illustrates, and makes comics. Her work has appeared at The Awl, The Hairpin, The Forward, Buzzfeed, Racked, and elsewhere. She was the creator of the long-running comics series The League of Ordinary Ladies and a podcast called Sounds Ace with Esther C. Werdiger. She’s from Australia, but she lives in Brooklyn.

About the Author

More Like This

How a Comic Book About Feral Elves Got Me Through Middle School

"ElfQuest" wasn't perfect, but it helped me remember who I was—and figure out who I wanted to be

Jul 3 - Madeline ffitch

10 Exuberantly Queer Graphic Novels

Memoirs and fiction that celebrate the lives of queer women in words and pictures

Jun 19 - Chaya Bhuvaneswar

Vivek Shraya’s “Death Threat” Turns Online Hatred Into Art

The graphic novel illustrates a series of real-life threatening messages Shraya received

Jun 12 - Roberto Rodriguez-Estrada