Sexts from Sam Pink

“Only God can make you cum… just to clarify, I’m God.” — Sam Pink

A couple weeks before Rontel came out, I was talking to the editors at Electric Literature, and they asked me if I had any promotional ideas. I kept saying, “I don’t know.” I’d never really done anything to promote my books aside from trying to make them good and do interviews. A couple days later they emailed me with the idea that I’d sext anyone who bought the book on the release date, which was Valentine’s Day. I said yes.

Electric Literature mailed me a phone to use, because I didn’t have one. It arrived the day before Valentines Day. I was up all that night and feeling shitty because I did some cocaine after not doing it for seven years. I was still awake when the first text came in. I expected maybe five people to text me, or even possibly none. But at about 6 am the phone started receiving texts, and it didn’t stop until 2 am the next day. I’m not sure how many texts I received, because I had to constantly erase the inbox to receive more. I transcribed the first hour and then gave up. What follows is some of the early texts (a very small fraction of the entirety). Overall, it was funny and nice. Some people wanted sexts and some people just wanted to say what’s up and thanks for the book. It was really humbling in a number of ways.

***

Other person: what’s up. Just picked up rontel. Since I’m currently between jobs I’m considering reading it, or going back to bed to work off my hangover. Hmm just read the first paragraph, seems like you know what I’m talking about. Have a good one, C____

Sam Pink: let’s engage in unprotected anal sex

Well it is valentines day

***

happy v day, do your worst…

I wanna spit down your asscrack and then use it to get just the head of my dick inside you…lightly choking you while I explain my favorite pokemon

Slowly I’ll whisper ‘pikachu Pikachu pika’

Then I’ll push my dick further in and put my fingers in your mouth to touch your tongue and I’ll say, “charizard becomes charmander I think”

We’ll try not to think about bulbosaur: that guy is a real boner killer

Baby my bulb will be mad sore…dig?

Haha. Dig dig dig.

***

oh baby

hey mama I wanna comb your hair with my fingers while you blow me in the bathroom of a denny’s after we both enjoy pancakes…on me!

As long as everything is “on you”

Baby you know I take care of that…provided it’s under fifteen dollars

Big spender, don’t know how to act being treated so well

That’s how I pay in advance for the terrible bite marks ima leave on your hips and ass and inner thighs

Oh yes, I like a little teeth. Going to scream out “shark week”

***

hey, happy valentines day ?

Happy vday babe, I wanna get you on your back and make your tits bounce and lick the make up off your face

Hahaha awesome thanks. This was a great promo for your book.

[an hour later]: What book

who is this

***

I’m ready

Ready to lie on your side while I work my dick into you…roughly handling your nipples and biting your shoulder

If only every morning started out that good

***

hey sam, happy valentine’s day! Looking forward to reading the book

And I’m looking forward to pinning your legs back with my hands behind your knees and rubbing my hard dick on your pussy until you’re wet enough

Wet enough for what? How are you going to fuck me?

Gonna fuck you like you deserve to be fucked…deep, slow…neck all scratched up from my stubble and your tits covered in sweat

Mm, that feels good, are you gonna make me cum

Only god can make you cum… just to clarify, I’m god

***

Happy v day sam, I’m gonna spend it with rontel, love XXXXXX

Ey baby girl…I’m take your panties off with my teeth (almost just earnestly typed “but don’t worry I’ll put them back in the right drawer”)

***

Arouse, offend, or amuse me please

Feel like, to do all three, I could just draw a face on my dick and make it do stand up comedy while I trace your pussy lips with my finger

Awesome

***

Thank you for being brilliant. If I were a wealthy cougar I would ask you to be my boy cub. But alas, tis not the case. Sext me, sext me or whatevs

Baby they call me the cougar killr because once I pull out and cum all over that pussy you’ll barely be able to stand

Technically, that would render me immobile, not dead

Oh yeah, damn you’re right…um, it was implied that you had a heart condition and eventually died

That’s the kind of dirty talk a 78-year-old heiress likes to hear, because it is both realistic and romantic

That’s assuming your bones don’t turn to dust when I pin you down by the shoulders to get better leverage

Well luckily, I’m an heiress to a dairy fortune… lots of calcium…strong bones and whatnot

Yeah but medically speaking you need to get at that calcium early, girlfriend, can’t just cram at the end

Fine, I guess I don’t need bones. I hope you like fragile sacks of skin

I do, in fact I have one containing my balls right now!

Oh yeah! We have so much in common!

***

I have a gerbil and some tinfoil with your name on it. Your writing makes me want to get really nasty. Will you be my valentine

Only if you let me funnel that gerbil into my dickhole then blast it into your gaping asshole (just imagined a gerbil surfing my cumshot)

Tough but fair, my gerbil is still learning how to keep his balance on a surfboard. Would I be crossing a line if I picked booger out of my nose and fingerblasted your peephole with my booger finger

Only if you didn’t ask first

Ok last one before I put my pants on and get back to work. Scenario: I bring home a wheel cheese and your favorite pinot grigio. I carefully sit down and say “what’s on the menu for tonight?” what do you do

I take out my dick

***

loved your sexy nude photos in the tub

be nice to drop handfuls of warm bubbly water over your chest and ass

Indeed and rub my hands on and in your ass that sticks out nicely in your pics

I want you to fist me and rip my heart out

Don’t tempt me, because I would definitely enjoy fisting you and riding your great ass

So then I shouldn’t return my assless chaps to target

Hot, sexy, and funny, you must have men competing for your hot ass

***

I spilled coffee on my shirt, what are you gonna do about that

why I’m going to bite your lips off and make you lick my nipples

***

Hi!

I want you to hold my ass and let me fuck your face…then I’ll make you a hot pocket and make sure it has properly cooled down before you bite it

***

heyy sexy! It’s a good day for necrophilia

hill yuh…let’s dig up a body and 69 on it

I’ll bring the shovel, you bring the broken condoms

I’ll bring the saw and the grill…you bring a hot place for me to blow this load

Ok, afterwards we can kill ourselves

Yeah I want to bite into your heart while it’s still beating and spit the blood all over my dick…then we can have someone bury us alive together

While we’re underground we can press our lips on each others’ and share oxygen. When we start to run out, I’ll gnaw your lips off and swallow them so I die with a part of you inside me forever

***

Hey big boy… ? what are u wearing

your pussy like an oxygen mask

***

hi sam, looking forward to what you got ?

what I got is a single kiss for your pussy before I fuck you heavy and slow for forty five minutes…or for however long it takes to watch law and order

I will take that! But…maybe dance moms instead?

Shit I don’t even care…whatever covers up the noise so the neighbors don’t think I’m killing you

Oh god, I’m wet

I want to taste the wetness through your panties…as we enjoy an episode of dance moms

I’m almost exploding down there. You’re a wondrous being

Go on and get it ma… put your fingers in deep then rub it on your nipples

I will I will!

***

how many ball sacks have you played with in the past 72 hours

Everyday my ball sack is born anew…so three

Wait does that number include the trannies from last night

Dude I only fuck with nutless trannies

***

hey rontel is so good. I wanna chop my ass off and mail it to you in a box of bloody packing peanuts

You know I’m eating that ass raw, sitting naked on the floor

Dammmmmmmmmmmmmmm. It is a lean ass. My diet is high in lentils and lean meats

That’s the only kind of ass my doctor says I can handle

I am imagining a porn scenario involving someone named ‘dr. lean ass’. Also could be a good name for a protagonist in a coming of age novel. It’s yours if you want it.

“When the dr. is in, da asses are thin.”

“When the dr. is out, the asses get stout.”

Just had a brief but graphic vision of me fucking an ostrich for some reason

***

Can I be your rubber ducky?

Hell yeah as long as you don’t make me use a rubber on my dicky

***

one text to sam, hoping for a great sext in return

Ima sit back and jerk off onto myself then hold the back of your neck while you eat it off me

Am I allowed silverware? Perhaps an ice tea spoon

No, you have to rub your own ass with both hands the whole time

I shall make slurping noises as if I am enjoying a bowl of ramen

I don’t have the data on this, but I think my jizz is healthier than ramen

Perhaps we should submit a sample to the FDA for testing

Imagined myself walking into FDA headquarters(?) with a saggy brown paper bag that I’m holding out away from me and I’m like “who want it”

You are directed into a windowless cubicle and asked to wait

Scientist comes out with a clipboard and says, “fssh, wow, you were right”

***

[first part edited out]

thanks for real. You’ve cheered my bi-polared ass up

I just thought “bi polar ass up, that’s the way we like to fuck’…like that one song!

***
–Sam Pink is 29 years-old. He lives in Chicago.