TED WILSON REVIEWS THE WORLD: A NEEDLE IN A HAYSTACK

★★★☆☆

Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of the world. Today I am reviewing a needle in a haystack.

Don’t ever jump into a haystack for fun because you never know if that haystack will be one of the ones that has a needle in it. I learned that the hard way when I climbed out of a haystack and a nearby farmhand pointed to a needle stuck in my jowel. I thought an earwig had bit me. Boy was I wrong.

I’m no detective but logic tells me the needle was accidentally dropped into the haystack by a seamstress. Why was the seamstress hanging out next to a haystack anyway? Probably she was hiding from something and that needle was her only weapon and then she dropped it and was like, “oh no.” Or she also might have been a male seamstress. A seamstresser, I think they’re called.

There’s an easy and safer way to find a needle in a haystack. Just let a bunch of cows eat all the hay and see which one starts complaining of stomach pains. Cows are notorious complainers so it shouldn’t take long. If no cow starts crying or bleeding, you know there never was any needle and someone lied to you.

If the needle was your own personal needle, it would be best to cut your losses and just go buy a new one. They’re not that expensive. If the needle industry had their wits about them, they would start designing needles that look just like blades of grass. People would be losing needles left and right and the needle industry would be making a fortune.

This needle I pulled out of my jowel was still perfectly good, so I put it in my sewing kit. Most of the items in my sewing kit are things I found in haystacks. I’ve found a lot of non-sewing related things as well. Once I found a kitten. Another time I found a smaller haystack, and then a smaller one inside that and so on. It was a matryoshka of haystacks, and at the very center was nothing.

BEST FEATURE: Finding a needle in a haystack made me feel like I’d won a prize even though I was bleeding.
WORST FEATURE: Once the needle has been found there’s nothing more to search for. No purpose or meaning within the haystack. It becomes nothing more than a stack of hay.

Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing a towel.