TED WILSON REVIEWS THE WORLD: A STUPID SHOE

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Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of the world. Today I am reviewing a stupid shoe.

We’ve all been there. We’ve all been walking along and spotted a single abandoned shoe, and wondered where the other one went, but not stopped long enough to find out. This week I do what none of you have. I stopped to learn more.

The shoe in question was size 12, blue, from New Balance, and with a slightly worn tread. Was it really abandoned or was it placed next to a fire hydrant temporarily? I sat on a bench nearby for two days to see. When no one returned for it, I had my answer.

As I leaned in, I spotted a trail of ants going into the shoe. Upon closer inspection, I saw that they were attracted to a piece of gum stuck inside. Who knew ants chewed gum? Most importantly, why was the gum on the inside of the shoe and not on the sole? Statistically, the gum was in the wrong spot. Had the shoe been turned inside out? It didn’t look like it, but I know very little about current fashion trends.

Before I knew it, the ants had made a trail running up my arm from the shoe to my shirt pocket where I was keeping a half-eaten Snickers bar. I was sleep deprived and covered in ants because of the mysteries of this shoe. It seemed almost as if the shoe was cursed. I felt like an archaeologist uncovering ancient secrets and then becoming deathly ill soon after.

A psychic around the corner said the shoe was not cursed and to get out of her storefront. It hurt my feelings to be told to leave. With this shoe in my life, only bad things seemed to happen.

If shoe companies would start putting serial numbers on every pair of shoes, it would be a lot easier to track down missing shoes and save people like me a lot of grief. That’s why I started a petition to do just that. Please sign it today or write to Obama about it before we get a new President and Obama is irrelevant.

BEST FEATURE: It came with free gum. I didn’t want that gum personally, but the ants were quite excited about it.
WORST FEATURE: The way this shoe kind of ruined my day was a real disappointment.

Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing a rug.