Ted Wilson Reviews the World: Arrival

★★☆☆☆ (2 out of 5)

[Editor’s note: spoilers ahead]

Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of the world. Today I am reviewing Arrival.

There’s a new movie out called Arrival, about a bunch of aliens who arrive on Earth for mysterious reasons. For me there was no mystery, because I always arrive to the movie theater as early as possible, and this time I’d arrived so early that I caught the previous showing of Arrival. So by the time my showing started, I already knew what would happen because I’d seen it.

That’s a similar experience to what Amy Adams’ character goes through in this movie. She’s able to tell the future because she can remember it. This ability is a gift bestowed upon her by the aliens because as it turns out, learning their language causes the human brain to rewire itself, turning people psychic.

I’m assuming Jonathan Nolan wrote this screenplay, which is why I never looked at the credits to find out if he did or not. He loves to write things that sound ridiculous at first, but then lose all meaning when you really think about them. His movies are like those placemat brain teasers.

The movie ends with the implication that all of humanity will become psychic. Or at least those who are educated and have the available resources to learn the alien language will. Poor people without such resources will still be just as screwed over as usual.

The guy who plays Hawkeye from The Avengers (not from M.A.S.H.) is in this. Except for his clothes, I couldn’t tell this wasn’t Hawkeye. I kept waiting for him to shoot arrows at the aliens but he never did. That was a pretty big disappointment.

Another person who’s in this is Forest Whitaker. I love him but it’s too bad he’s been typecast to only play characters with a droopy eyelid. I’d like to see him branch out and play someone with regular eyes, or maybe a cyclops.

At the end of the movie, Amy Adams and Hawkeye fall in love and Forest Whitaker remains single. Hawkeye says that meeting aliens didn’t surprise him, but meeting Amy Adams did. This is a shocking plot twist that the director glosses over completely. Hawkeye implies he already knew all about the aliens, but upon hearing this Amy Adams doesn’t bat an eyelash. Instead, she bats both of them and starts making out with Hawkeye. Give me a break.

BEST FEATURE: The man sitting next to me walked out of the movie early and left half a box of Jujyfruits. I can’t eat them because they get stuck in my teeth but I could still enjoy the scent.
WORST FEATURE: The aliens are just giant squid.

Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing Grape Ape.

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