Ted Wilson Reviews the World: Childbirth

★★★★☆ (4 out of 5)

Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of the world. Today I am reviewing childbirth.

CAUTION: This review contains explicit descriptions of genitals and other gross things. It is unsuitable for readers under the age of 18.

You might think I can’t review something I’ve never experienced first hand. Like the time I reviewed Avatar without having seen it. And while technically I’ve never given birth myself, there’s nothing more first hand than having been given birth to.

In the final moments before the baby comes out of the vagina there’s a lot of drama and wide-eyed looks. The soon-to-be mother may scream loudly and often, but it’s a different type of scream from what you would hear at a surprise birthday party or on a rollercoaster, unless the rollercoaster has derailed. The pain the mother feels is the result of a baby trying to fit through a vagina. Vaginas are made more for fitting things into, not out of.

Once the baby comes out there’s more screaming, but this time it’s the baby, who is screaming out of sheer terror. Imagine you were walking to work on a warm, sunny day when suddenly an invisible force shoves you through a mailbox and you come out on the other side of some strange world, naked, cold, and unable to talk. That’s basically what’s happened to the baby.

When the baby first appears, it’s purple and covered in goo. It’s a bit alarming if you were expecting the Gerber baby to appear. But if you’re someone with generally low expectations in life, this probably won’t seem like a big deal.

One of the weirdest things about childbirth is how many people are staring really intently at the mother’s vagina, silently rooting for a baby to come out. I think it must be a lot of pressure for the mother. What if the baby comes out another orifice? I’m not great with anatomy but I don’t think that’s impossible.

Once that baby finally comes out, regret may set in, although it could take many years before that happens.

Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing Woody Harrelson.