TED WILSON REVIEWS THE WORLD: CLIFF HUXTABLE

★★★☆☆

Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of the world. Today I am reviewing Cliff Huxtable.

Cliff Huxtable was a fictional character in an old sitcom. He was a loving father, husband, and son, with a friendly disposition and thoughtful approach to life. The name ‘Huxtable’ sounds like ‘huggable’ and makes me feel warm and safe. He had no enemies. He would bring women into his basement to look at their vaginas.

One of his most notable traits was the amazingly large sweater collection he owned. Most people didn’t care much for the style of his sweaters, but he wasn’t swayed by popular opinion. He did whatever he wanted and no one could stop him. He had dozens and dozens of sweaters, dating back decades. In fact, he had so many sweaters that he could wear a different one each week for years on end without repeating any. That’s a guy who really loves sweaters.

Some might say his sweater collection bordered on obsession. Why did he need so many sweaters? Why couldn’t one sweater be enough? What drove him to buy sweater after sweater? In a way, it’s almost like he didn’t care about the sweaters, the way he would wear one and then discard it, immediately searching for his next sweater. What a complicated guy.

He probably needed a second closet devoted just to his sweaters. Most likely a secret closet or something hard to get to, to keep the sweaters safe. You can’t have that many sweaters without your wife finding out though, so she must have been okay with it. I don’t know if she ever tried to get him to quit it already with the sweaters, or if she was resigned to the whole thing.

If you want to watch videos of Cliff and his sweaters, you can find a lot online. When I watch the videos I can’t concentrate on the jokes. I get too distracted wondering where he is now. The show went off the air so does he still exist? He could be brought to life at any moment if they reboot the show. And because he’s just a character, anyone can play him. Like how different guys play Batman all the time. I’d like to see someone more comical in the role of Cliff Huxtable. Someone like Mike Tyson.

BEST FEATURE: Cliff is really funny from the neck up.
WORST FEATURE: At the heart of it all, something about him seems really passionless. As if he’s just going through the motions and is dead inside.

Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing a race car.

Illustration by Jon Adams.