Ted Wilson Reviews the World: My TV

★★★★☆ (4 out of 5)

Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of the world. Today I am reviewing my TV.

After my traditional TV succumbed to the ravages of time and a mouse, I made a bold decision. Rather than replacing my TV with a fancy flat-screen or one of those tiny portables you see being used in places other than living rooms, I replaced my TV with a mirror. Now every show I watch stars me!

On the surface it may sound like a lot of work to produce entire episodes of television and perform them all in a mirror as my eyes watch. It’s much less passive than the typical TV viewing experience, but there are many upsides.

The most notable advantage to having a mirror for a TV is that I can watch literally any TV show at any time of day. That episode of Family Ties where Tom Hanks plays a pedophile? Yep! That episode of Family Ties where Alex P. Keaton mourns over a dead friend? Yep! That episode of Family Ties where Alex P. Keaton becomes addicted to speed? Yep! Or any episode of Family Matters.

It doesn’t matter if it’s an old show or a contemporary show, a classic episode or an episode that hasn’t aired. Last week I watched all 18 seasons of Game of Thrones. It was hard to act out a lot of the sex scenes alone, but not impossible.

If an actor passes away and the character has to be written out, no it doesn’t. I have complete creative control. Anything I want to have happen can and will. I don’t want to say it’s like being a God because honestly I don’t know what that’s like. It’s more like being Eddie Murphy.

Most of the shows I watch are commercial-free, although I do sometimes act out a commercial as well, for a more authentic experience. Unfortunately no one is paying for these commercials, but I’m certain they have to be worth something.

With pirated content being such a big deal these days, I worry I could be sued by copyright infringement. Please, please do not tell anyone about my amazing TV that gets all the channels and all the shows free of charge. And if you work for a television company, by reading these words you have legally agreed to not sue me.

The only downside to my TV is that every time I pass a mirror, suddenly the TV is on. I wish there was an off switch.

BEST FEATURE: The more TV I watch the better an actor I become.
WORST FEATURE: I was watching an episode of Friends and a man appeared in the window behind me. That was the worst episode of Friends ever.

Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing spinach.

Late to the Party: Stephen King’s IT