TED WILSON REVIEWS THE WORLD: FANT4STIC FOUR?

★★★★☆

Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of the world. Today I am reviewing Fant4stic.

There’s a new movie out called Fant4stic. I didn’t know how to pronounce the name, so when I bought my ticket I wrote the title on a piece of paper and handed it to the woman at the box office. She must have thought I was mute because she gave me my ticket without saying a word.

A lot of movies these days like to stick numbers into the name, like Leprechaun: Back 2 Tha Hood and 12 Years a Slave. They should have called this movie F4nt45t1c to show everyone how it’s really done. That seems like a missed opportunity.

Fant4stic hasn’t gotten very good reviews and I’m not sure why. I liked it a lot! The characters are unlike anything you’ve seen before, if you’ve never seen any of the three other Fantastic Four films they made.

One is a guy made out of rocks, but he’s not a statue like you would expect.

There’s a female character who is invisible. I know Hollywood doesn’t like to pay women as much as they pay men, but this just goes to show how they’re trying to change. They easily could have paid her nothing since you don’t even need an actress who you can’t see, but they didn’t do that. Good job, Hollywood!

Another character is a super smart guy made of rubber or whatever but he’s played by that kid from Whiplash. It’s sad to see the Whiplash kid has already been typecast as a student genius. He’ll only be able to play that role a few more years before he’s too old.

My least favorite character is the guy made of fire. He reminded me too much of the time I watched a man immolate himself in protest. It was horrible. Every time Fire-man came on screen I started sobbing and shaking uncontrollably. I guess that’s a testament to how good the special effects were.

Unfortunately I had to leave the film early to go buy some toothpaste but I’ll bet the ending was pretty good. If I ever get around to seeing it I’ll update my review. Keep refreshing the page every few minutes just in case.

BEST FEATURE: I can’t wait for the sequel, F4nt45t1c24ev4!
WORST FEATURE: Chet Hanks, best known for his work in Bratz, doesn’t get enough lines.

Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing a bowl of soup.