TED WILSON REVIEWS THE WORLD: GAME OF THRONES

★★☆☆☆

Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing Game of Thrones.

You’ve probably heard of the TV show called Game of Thrones. I watched an episode the other day to see what all the fuss is about. I thought it was going to be a fun game show, like a modern twist on musical chairs. It wasn’t that at all. It’s basically like The Hobbit but with nudity. I’m glad the Hobbit didn’t have any nudity, because none of the characters were very attractive.

Game of Thrones fixes The Hobbit problem by hiring lots of attractive actresses and actors. I’ll be honest: I like seeing naked ladies, but I don’t like it when only the ladies are naked. I didn’t really see much male nudity. That seems unfair. If a wizard is uncomfortable being nude, there’s no reason they couldn’t give him a CGI penis.

In some ways the show is very accurate. For instance, a lot of the scenes are dark because they didn’t have electricity in England in the early 1800s. While it makes it hard for me to see what’s happening, I appreciate the commitment to authenticity.

However, some details, like the dragons, are completely inaccurate. Except for some religious extremists, there is not a single scientist who will say that man and dragons coexisted. Everyone knows that.

There are a lot of tough guys in this show but I didn’t recognize any of them. I’d like to see some big name, tough-guy actors like The Rock, Sean Penn, or Shia LaBeouf. And tough women, too. Katharine Hepburn was pretty tough but she’s dead. Whoever is the modern-day Katharine Hepburn. I like Amy Schumer a lot. I’d like to see her on Game of Thrones. I bet she’d ask for a CGI penis.

I have a lot of other ideas for the show, which I wrote down and mailed to George Martin, who is listed as the show’s creator. I hope he takes my ideas into consideration and implements some of them. George, if you’re reading this, I don’t need to be credited, I just want to make it a better show.

BEST FEATURE: Lots of candles everywhere. I think candles are romantic.
WORST FEATURE: The dragons don’t talk.

Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing The Honeymooners.