Ted Wilson Reviews the World: My Snowman

★★★☆☆ (3 out of 5)

Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of the world. Today I am reviewing my snowman.

If you come from a part of the world where snow does not exist, let me explain what a snowman is. A snowman is a bunch of snow, formed into a shape that vaguely resembles that of a man. Unlike a golem, however, a snowman does not actually come to life. Or does it? I decided to find out.

Magic isn’t something I ever believed in, so when David Copperfield sawed himself in half, I knew it wasn’t really attempted suicide. And when David Blaine coughed up live frogs, I knew it wasn’t Revelation 16:13 coming true — it was just a guy who swallowed some frogs for attention.

But while magic could never make my snowman come to life, I knew there was a chance science might. Science can do some crazy things. So to give my snowman every possible advantage, I filled his torso with a variety of organs I purchased from the butcher. Just in case.

And if he did come alive, I wanted him to be able to procreate (or at least have a good time), so I carved for him a beautiful snow penis. It was exquisite. Much better than any existing penis on any animal I’ve ever seen. If my snowman was going to come to life, he wasn’t going to be one of those hideous, legless creatures with disproportionately weak arms and a smoking habit. He was going to be awesome.

Unfortunately, the raccoons could smell the organs through his snowy flesh and got to him overnight. Thank goodness I didn’t also sleep outside that night. I have way more organs and I’m a heavy sleeper.

I’ll never know if he could come to life, but I do know that if he did, I would have named him Juan and we would have been good friends.

BEST FEATURE: Juan’s mouth stones were repurposed as miniature paperweights.
WORST FEATURE: I had to watch his remains melt away over the course of two weeks.

Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing Satchel Paige.