TED WILSON REVIEWS THE WORLD: MY TADPOLE

★★★★☆

Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of the world. Today I am reviewing my tadpole.

Earlier this spring I found a tadpole in a Ziplock bag being dangled at arm’s length by a neighborhood boy selling tadpoles door-to-door.

I’d always loved the idea of having a tadpole and this was my chance. A montage of possible adventures the tadpole and I might have flashed before my eyes. We were riding a train in a foreign land, or laughing together while watching a movie, and then fending off a home intruder.

I named him Toddpole. Then I wondered if he was a girl, then remembered a guy I knew named Shannon, and decided everything is okay, it’s just a name.

“What do baby frogs eat,” I panicked. Baby flies maybe, but those are hard to find, so I just made him a fly puree. Except I didn’t have any flies so I used ants. He didn’t seem to care for it. He seemed lazy, frankly.

Everything was going swimmingly (ha ha) until reality struck. Toddpole would not be a cute, black, sperm-like thing forever. One day he would transform into a frog. That’s basically a whole new animal. Toddpole as I knew him would be gone, forever.

The thought of losing him overwhelmed me. I decided to be proactive and sell him back, but that kid was nowhere to be found. I searched high and low, looking in people’s windows and calling out, “Hey little kid” at the playground. Nothing.

I’ve seen in movies where a person appears, does something, and then vanishes and turns out to be a ghost who didn’t like sticking around. Did God send a ghost to bring me a tadpole? Nope. Because when I tried to abandon Toddpole at an animal shelter, the woman there said he was only a rubber toy. I wasn’t angry, I was relieved. Life seemed more manageable knowing Toddpole would never change.

I think a lot of parents might prefer to have rubber children who stay cute forever, instead of real kids who turn into teenagers. Toddpole was the best without any of the worst. I turned him into a keychain.

BEST FEATURE: He requires little care and no money.
WORST FEATURE: If left on the dashboard of my car he may melt.

Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing Margaret Thatcher.

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