TED WILSON REVIEWS THE WORLD: THE STAR WARS TRAILER

★★★☆☆

Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of the world. Today I am reviewing the Star Wars trailer.

Did you see the Star Wars trailer? I did! The little green goblin guy wasn’t in it, which was a pretty big disappointment. He’s the only character I like. I do a pretty good impression of him if you want to hear it.

Apparently some people somewhere are mad because the trailer features an African-American Stormtrooper too prominently. I don’t know who these angry people are or why anyone is paying attention to anonymous voices that say stupid things, but that Stormtrooper isn’t African-American. Star Wars is on a different planet with different countries and continents. I don’t think that Stormtrooper is even human. Are any of the characters in Star Wars from earth?

The trailer looks VERY professional — unlike the first seven Star Wars movies. It will be nice to see if a Star Wars movie can be made that is worthy of all the enthusiasm fans seem to have for a franchise based on poor dialogue and 70’s haircuts. Fans have been very forgiving for so long. I’m not sure why. It’s hard to know what people will forgive sometimes. Mike Tyson is a convicted rapist who gets to be in movies and cartoons, but my neighbor stopped saying hello after I spilled a can of paint all over his driveway.

The only Star Wars movie worth watching is the Holiday Special. It also doesn’t have the little green goblin but it does feature Bea Arthur and Art Carney. Go ahead and watch it:

I still won’t see the movie even though the trailer looks good, because I’ve always been scared of spaceships. They offer only a thin shield between life and the dark, vacuum of space. It’s too much for me to handle and really stresses me out.

BEST FEATURE: Getting to see Harrison Ford. I thought he was dead, so that was a big relief.
WORST FEATURE: One of the spaceships startled me and I jumped backwards and hit my head on the wall.

Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing a parrot.

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