Ted Wilson Reviews the World: The Fourth of July, 2017
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Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of the world. Today I am reviewing the Fourth of July, 2017.
How was your Fourth of July? Don’t answer that because I won’t be able hear you. But that’s okay because I already know yours was not nearly as good as mine.
The best thing that happened on the Fourth of July is I got a prank phone call from a woman pretending to be my deceased wife. It was a pretty decent impression bolstered by the fact that I haven’t heard my wife’s voice in several decades. What clued me in that this woman was an impostor was the fact that she didn’t know my name. But for ten wonderful minutes I thought my wife was alive again and it was fantastic. What a feeling!
As the tragedy of losing my wife a second time was about to set in, I was distracted by my neighbor Fran’s prank of setting off several hundred firecrackers on my front porch. When I climbed out from cowering under my kitchen table and saw Fran and his two sons pointing through the window and laughing, I shared in their laughter. He plays pranks like that on me all the time and it keeps me in good spirits.
My Fourth of July was off to a great start and it was only 8 AM. I headed down to the river to get a good seat for the evening’s fireworks display. Arriving 12 hours early really paid off because I had the whole river to myself. Unfortunately around 10 PM I figured out I had the wrong river which is why it was so empty except for a small crowd that had gathered to watch a couple having sex. Everyone celebrates in their own way.
I didn’t miss out on the fireworks entirely, because I had recorded last years televised display, so I just watched that. It was good enough.
As I was drifting off to sleep I imagined how lucky I am to be an American. Then I imagined how lucky I would be to be another nationality in a nation where everyone gets healthcare, and a year off to spend with their newborn, and where a much smaller percentage of the population is imprisoned.
All of this made me sad about America and I began crying, but then I screamed for joy because the doctor said my tears ducts didn’t work anymore because I was so old and had overused them, but it turns out she was wrong!
BEST FEATURE: If you want to fire a gun into the air, it’s a good time to do it without anyone noticing.
WORST FEATURE: A bullet came through my window.
Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing C.H.U.D.