The Only Thing Better Than Dostoevsky is Pumpkin Spice Dostoevsky

Can anything improve on great Russian literature? You’re damn right something can

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After a long weird summer, it’s finally, finally fall—season of mists and mellow fruitfulness, season of lying on the floor crying because the sun set at 6 p.m., season of Halloween candy and decorative gourds and that dancing jack o’lantern guy. And most importantly, season of pumpkin spice.

Oh, you think pumpkin spice is basic? Well, tell that to prominent Russian novelist Fyodor Dostoevsky! (You can’t. He’s dead, which is also very seasonally appropriate.) Snuggle up in a cozy sweater and enjoy these classics made more autumnal, more nutmeg-scented, and somehow even whiter than before.

Crime and Pumpkin Spice

Before committing his crime, Raskolnikov believes that murder is permissible; afterwards, he comes to believe that murder is monstrous. But what happens when he believes that murder is delicious?

Notes from Underground and The Double Pumpkin Spice Latte

Are you capable of enjoying a cup of tea with sugar in it? Then imagine how much more you’ll enjoy a double pumpkin spice latte.

Poor Folk Without Pumpkin Spice

In Dostoevsky’s first pumpkin spice novel, two cousins mail a Starbucks punch card back and forth and discuss whether they can afford to buy pumpkin spice Pop Tarts at Trader Joe’s.

The Gambler and Nasty Business and Pumpkin Spice

The man wrote a lot of novellas. It’s fine. We can’t all write War and Peace. Anyway, there’s jamming two novellas into one book and then there’s jamming two novellas into one book with a swirl of pumpkin spice and we know which one’s better.

White Nights of Pumpkin Spice

A short story about unrequited love that can only be soothed by eating a dozen pumpkin spice Milanos.

A Raw Youth (Now in Pumpkin Spice)

A son rebels against his father by scolding the old man that “actually, there’s no pumpkin in so-called ‘pumpkin spice’ flavoring.”

The Brothers Karamazov (Autumn Edition)

Mitya, Vanya, and Alyosha put on light jackets.

Pumpkin Spice Notes from the House of the Dead

A personal memoir of the grueling and inhumane conditions in Siberian labor camps, but with pumpkin spice notes.

Pumpkin Spice Demons

An unassuming town becomes the nexus for a pumpkin spice revolution.

The Orange Idiot

It’s Dostoevsky’s epic novel about a good, kind, compassionate leader, but with pumpkin spice. What did you think it was?

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