10 Perfect Writer Gifts We Just Made Up

The things writers really want this holiday season don’t exist—yet

Step away from the astronaut pen. Put down the blank book. And for God’s sake don’t order another clever mug. Writers have it hard enough in this climate of low advances and little-to-no marketing budgets without getting the same tired gifts every year. This holiday season, try one of our completely fictional and guaranteed-to-please-the-literary-types-in-your-life presents, instead. Available in every price range. Money back if not completely satisfied (unless we already spent the money on vape cartridges and homebrew kombucha kits, in which case, you’re SOL).

Pre-rejected stories. Purchased from other writers just like yours, and already rejected by editors from more than 20 top journals. No need to send these babies out and have them come back with phrases such as, “Though there was much to admire here…” or “We receive many more fine submissions than we can publish.” They can simply be filed away with the writer’s other rejected stories without the hassle of actually drafting and sending them out. A gift every serious writer will appreciate. Available in a variety of typefaces. $29.95

Sweater that looks vaguely like the one Emma Thompson wore in Stranger Than Fiction. While wearing this, writers can pretend not only that they have a book deal and that someone actually cares about their writing, but that they’ve been knighted. Reeks of cigarette smoke. $59.95

Writers can pretend not only that they have a book deal and that someone actually cares about their writing, but that they’ve been knighted.

Cat named Dylan Thomas. The must-have accessory for every writer this season. Trained to knock coffee onto the keyboard, distracting writer from hopelessly flawed novel. Also chews query letters that contain the wrong agency name and contracts that specify world rights. We’ll pay you $25.00 to take him.

Reassurance cards. Preprinted with sentiments such as, “Of course you’re talented,” “That editor doesn’t know what she’s talking about,” and “I’m sure an agent would be interested in a novella about a writer living in Brooklyn who shares your physical features and neuroses and in which the main character spends the bulk of her time ruminating about whether to move to Queens to save on rent.” Comes with punch card for Bayside Dunkin’ Donuts and bus map. $19.95

Frozen sand timer. Gives the illusion time is not running out. Ideal for the older writer. Also available in analog and digital clocks that always show 5:30 a.m. $39.95

I’m Almost 40 and Still Getting My Stories Rejected—Am I Running Out of Time?

3D book cover that looks like a tablet. Her friends will think she’s on Insta and Snapchat but the truth is she’s reading an actual book! Perfect for the millennial writer in your life. $49.95

Hamster-wheel desk. For the midlist writer. Guaranteed to get her absolutely nowhere. $1,259.00 or the writer’s last advance. She did get an advance, didn’t she?

Album of random stranger conversations. Simulates working in a café, while allowing writer to drink cheap coffee at home. Includes classic tracks, such as Self-Congratulatory Business Partners, Couple Breaking Up, and Fellow Writers Name Dropping. Single-use license allows writer to incorporate dialogue into work-in-progress. $16.99

If the writer in your life is just starting out, give her a head start with the Beginner Affectations Kit.

Writer affectations kit. If the writer in your life is just starting out, give her a head start with the Beginner Affectations Kit, which includes tips for photographing a cat blocking a computer screen or sitting on a keyboard, a New Yorker tote, and images of a dozen “shelfies” featuring more impressive books than she actually owns. For the more advanced writer, consider the Advanced Affectations Kit, featuring our bestseller, The Fine Art of Humblebragging and Vaguebooking, and instructions for baking your own book cover cake. $29.95 each

Plain white mug with nothing on it. Your writer will thank you when she finally sends in that law school application and isn’t reminded by her cup every morning that she didn’t write like a motherfucker, never really cared about the Oxford comma, and never killed anyone off in a book because she didn’t write that kind of book, though if she had it would have had a much better chance of selling than the quiet domestic fiction she actually did write. Can be purchased, too, for the recovering lawyer in your life who never wants to see, let alone drink out of, another please-do-not-confuse-your-Google-search-with-my-law-degree mug. $5.99

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Thank You!