Double Take: Scott McClanahan’s ‘The Sarah Book’ is Beautifully Told and Breathtaking

“Double Take” is our literary criticism series wherein two readers tackle a highly-anticipated book’s innermost themes, successes, failures, trappings, and surprises. In this edition, frequent Electric Literature contributors Tobias Carroll and Gabino Iglesias discuss Scott McClanahan’s The Sarah Book.

In this, McClanahan’s third book, Scott forges new ground with his unique semi-autobiographical prose. This time, he directs his attention to the dissolution of a marriage, the story of one era ending and the hopeful beginning of another. The Sarah Book takes the reader to unabashed new ground, and never lets you go.

Spoilers are encouraged and fair-warned, with the hope that readers purchase the book and join the discussion in the comments.

Tobias Carroll: I’m not 100% sure when I first saw Scott McClanahan read. I suspect it was at Franklin Park Reading Series; I was also mightily impressed that, at the time, he could pull off the self-publishing thing without losing sight of his craft. While I’d certainly say McClanahan has grown as a writer since the days of the Stories books, he’s kept up the ability to write these beautifully told works that feel effortless, but clearly aren’t. To say nothing of the way he folds together memoir and fiction, I’m thinking of some of the more surreal moments in both Hill William and Crapalachia.

I feel like I’ve been hearing talk of The Sarah Book for a while now. And now I’ve read it, and…

I think the main thing about it for me, and maybe a good place to start, is how McClanahan comes off in the book. To some extent, his narrators occupy this almost sublime space; there’s a kind of benediction in some of his work, which is great, and the persona he gives off is almost a holy figure. It seems like in The Sarah Book, he absolutely decimates that. This is the story of the end of a marriage, and it’s the story of someone coming to terms with a whole host of bad behavior, and it was an utterly harrowing read for me.

I’m curious about two readers coming to this: the ones that have read McClanahan for years and those coming in entirely fresh. I’m curious as to how they’d each receive it. And I’m curious about how you received it as well, and your history with McClanahan’s work.

Gabino Iglesias: I remember discussing the best songs of Van Morrison with nonfiction author and journalism legend Bill Minutaglio about eight years ago. At the end of the conversation he said something that stuck with me: “The man is plugged into something the rest of us can’t even see.”

Scott McClanahan’s fiction makes me think he’s plugged into that as well. He’s in touch with some cosmic-yet-very-human thing that gives his narratives an unshakeable sense of reality. Reading him is like sitting down with a friend who tells you stories that sound too great or too weird or too sad to be true, but that you know are based on real experiences. I agree that he shatters the beatific image, but he does so while remaining true to the rest of himself. The anger, the frustration, and those moments where he is doing something awful and knows it but can’t stop himself are all things we’ve all gone through, and they make The Sarah Book a narrative that’s very easy to understand on a deep level.

I think McClanahan’s (non)fiction gets reactions out of people regardless of their familiarity with his work. I first read his short stories and then Crapalachia, which blew me away. It felt strange and heartfelt and honest. You know, the kind of book that makes you want to question and then hug the author after you’re done reading. Readers who enjoyed that book will surely love The Sarah Book. Anyone who likes reading about flawed humans failing to cope with heartbreak and great changes will probably love this book. For those whose introduction to McClanahan’s work happens with this book, I can envision two reactions. The first is “Wow, this guy can write. This is sad, funny, touching, real, and awful.” The second is “This is the story of a loser who can’t stop messing up. He sometimes acts like a child. And what’s up with that messed up dog?” For me, the first group gets it and the second doesn’t, but you know all about literature and opinions, so I’ll leave it there. I definitely belong to the first group and think this one is as great as Hill William and Crapalachia, if not better, funnier, and sadder.

“Reading him is like sitting down with a friend who tells you stories that sound too great or too weird or too sad to be true”

TC: I’d never thought about McClanahan in conjunction with Van Morrison before, but–that seems spot-on, both for the way that they’re able to tap into an almost sacred emotional sensibility and for the way they fuck with it, the push-pull between what an audience wants and what the artist is trying to say. I am literally fighting off the urge right now to go deeply into a “smart writers on Van Morrison” rabbit hole — it’s already well into the day, and I have, as they say, miles to go before I sleep.

Beyond the (fairly harrowing) events described in the book, one of the other things that McClanahan did here that struck me was the inclusion of images. Not to that great an extent but it was still pretty intriguing to see the faces of McClanahan, his family, and even Grover show up in here. I’m not going to go so far as to say that Scott McClanahan working an extended allusion to The Monster at the End of This Book was one of the most moving reading experiences I’ve had this year, but it kind of was. I’m curious: What did you make of the use of photos? Did you find it an interesting evolution to his existing style?

GI: I’m not a fan of pretending to know what an author was thinking when he or she did something in a book, but I like to think McClanahan didn’t plan the thing with the photos and that it just happened organically. While he is an outstanding storyteller and the narrative was surely thought of in advance, there is also a raw passion in McClanahan’s work that makes me think he sometimes surprises himself with the extents he will go to in his quest to effectively communicate his story and to make readers feel something. In this case, the images were just the last stage in getting completely naked in front of his audience and probably also a clever, unique, new way for him of saying, “Hey, all of this is true. Here’s a picture to prove it.”

“There is also a raw passion in McClanahan’s work that makes me think he sometimes surprises himself with the extents he will go to in his quest.”

Something this book does very well is humanizing through humor. I laughed really hard at the scenes with the dog. That, I feel, was one of the most noticeable differences between this book and the author’s previous efforts. McClanahan has always presented his life, and Appalachia, through a funny, humane lens, but this time around, he offered cringe-worthy passages that offered a strange space to breathe between harrowing scenes in the car of painful memories. What did you think about that humorous/depressive balance?

TC: The short version: As a reader, I was pretty into it.

The longer version: To an extent, I think it was very necessary — just as McClanahan juxtaposes the ugly end of his marriage with its much more optimistic and joyful beginnings, finding a balance so that the narrative wasn’t simply a chronicle of harrowing events had to happen. So when you have a beginning that’s that harrowing — I mean, driving while wasted with children in the back seat? That’s a rough place to come back from–finding some way to even it out is pretty essential, I’d say. I, too, was pretty taken with the scenes with the dog, which were alternately hilarious and (as the dog grew older and older) pretty heartbreaking in their own right. And the marathon viewings of the “November Rain” video also hit home while also bringing a smile to my face at the image. Reading the book as a whole, I thought a lot about something Sean H. Doyle talks about a lot: The idea of writing memoir (or, in this case, fiction with an element of memoir) in which you’re the villain. I definitely got a sense of that here.

For me, the other way the humor worked had to do with questions of, not to sounds hugely pretentious, the transcendental. I think that’s something that comes up in McClanahan’s work a lot, both his prose and some of the times I’ve seen him read, where there’s been an almost religious aspect to it. (And on the flip side, there’s the scene at the end of, I think, Hill William, where he juxtaposes fucking the landscape with the landscape around him exploding.) I think that’s one of the things that puts him into his own category: There are plenty of books that have confessional or memoiristic aspects that deal with failing marriages, with alcoholism, with depression. But this one also has that sense of achieving a breakthrough in spite of all of that hate. This is a weird comparison to make, because the two books are otherwise pretty dissimilar, but I remember reading William T. Vollmann’s The Royal Family years ago and also being taken with the way that novel alternated scenes of harrowing degradation and revelatory bliss.

If You Want to Hear America Singing, Try the Walmart Parking Lot

Though that brings me back around to a question: Where would you file McClanahan’s work? I think I first read him after seeing him read and I remember hanging out with a friend in Seattle and watching her reaction to his reading at Left Bank Books during AWP a few years ago. But I’m also at a loss as to who I might recommend his work. It’s autobiographical, but there’s just a tinge of the experimental; it has an amazing sense of location, but as someone who’s never been to West Virginia, I find it incredibly affecting. To be honest, I’m shocked no one’s written about McClanahan’s stylized yet autobiographical fiction in comparison with that of Karl Ove Knausgaard.

GI: When talking about McClanahan, I think transcendental is far from pretentious. In fact, it takes us back to Van Morrison and being plugged into something bigger, something special. I guess some folks would call it holy and other would cringe at the use of the term, but whatever it is, it’s certainly there. It makes McClanahan a special author, one that, instead of working hard to write to the beat of his drum, he naturally got rid of the drums and decides a sad piano with a great sense of humor and hearts instead of strings was going to be his thing.

The more I read, the harder it is for me to recommend books to people, and the easier it becomes. To some readers, I’d say this is an unclassifiable book, and that might turn some people off. The others, and the way I’d file McClanahan’s work, would have to call his work experimental autobiography/geographical memoir. To friends, with whom we are always able to leave fancy words out and just say what we feel, I’d say “Read him. He has a unique rhythm. He’s funny and sad and strangely soulful and amazing and his work is one of the reasons indie lit is the most exciting kind of lit there is.”

“I’m shocked no one’s written about McClanahan’s stylized yet autobiographical fiction in comparison with that of Karl Ove Knausgaard.”

The fact that McClanahan’s work is getting a lot of recognition helps fuel a whole movement of contemporary authors that are moving away from “everywhere and everyone” literature and digging into their roots to offer special narratives steeped in place/space/culture. Whether it’s frontera writing or the Appalachia of McClanahan or crime author David Joy, we’re seeing a lot of unique discourses, points of view, and geography-infused fiction that shows us how we’re different while bringing us together under the “great fiction/nonfiction” banner.

TC: I agree with all of that. And I also agree that McClanahan’s influence may be felt more in what it inspires other writers to do as opposed to giving them a template that they can follow. I’m thinking back to that point in music writing a decade and some change ago when a lot of people seemed to want to emulate Lester Bangs, but only to a superficial level, as opposed to some of the more interesting things he was doing with prose. There’s plenty to learn from in Scott McClanahan’s writing; writing using a bad pastiche of his style is, hopefully, not one of those lessons.

I might be digressing here slightly, but: the use of photos in The Sarah Book got me thinking about W.G. Sebald, and while I don’t necessarily think I’d file McClanahan and Sebald too closely together, there are some similarities, including the intentional blurring of lines between author and narrator. Sebald’s work has certainly influenced a number of writers whose work I love, including Teju Cole and Laird Hunt. I think both Cole and Hunt take that template and do their own thing with it, as opposed to coming up with some sort of pastiche.

But for all of the talk on the macro level and on the theoretical level, The Sarah Book also had me feeling for its characters in their smaller, intimate moments. It left me feeling for all of them as they struggled to understand one another, and it left me hoping they’d all found a greater peace in their lives. And so I also appreciate this book for its ability to bridge those two scales, and those two worlds.

GI: I have to fully agree with that wish. I think McClanahan had already made a lot of noise in the literary world, but nothing compares to the explosion of coverage and attention The Sarah Book is getting. Small venues and large venues alike are under the spell of this man’s prose, and I love it. The fact that he has stuck to his guns despite new stylistic flourishes make him admirable. I tend to celebrate the success of good people as if it was my own because it truly makes me happy, and seeing The Sarah Book everywhere makes me happy regularly because it is everywhere. Sadly, I’m sure we’ll get some pseudo-McClanahan prose in the coming years. Too many authors wait around to see what new thing sticks and then they try to replicate the formula, and that will surely happen with this book. That being said, a few pastiches of The Sarah Book is a price I’m willing to pay for having the book with out and about.

Feeling. For all its simplicity, that word manages to capture what this book is, does, and makes. I laughed and cringed. I nodded my head in recognition of my own stupidity and felt bad for McClanahan’s mistakes. I felt for him and for the kids and for the dog and, once it was all said and done, I felt for every person stuck in a crumbling relationship and for every shattered soul processing and learning to cope with devastating new realities while sitting in a parking lot somewhere in this country. Ultimately, aside from everything happening at the macro and theoretical levels, I think this book is a success because there is a large, living, bleeding heart full of scars at the center of it, and that is something no literary analysis can explain. Some books you hate and some books you feel indifferent about and some touch in strange ways that make you love them, and The Sarah Book belongs to this last group.

“It’s a balancing act atop a balancing act.”

TC: It’s a weird kind of alchemy. I keep thinking of how certain elements seem to converge in perfect balance for certain writers, and I think you perfectly capture how that works for McClanahan. I found myself thinking a lot about how McClanahan had captured aspects of his life in this book, and the candor and fearlessness with which he did so. When I interviewed him a month or so ago, he emphasized that he considers himself a fiction writer — and so that’s also something that constantly lurks in the back of my mind when I’m reading his work. How much of this is true? How much is embellished? (See also: Eileen Myles; see also, the aforementioned Knausgaard. Which is not terrible company to be in as a writer.)

That ambiguity might also be what makes McClanahan’s work so powerful. The story he’s telling in The Sarah Book is already deeply moving and wrenching, and — if I’m not projecting too much here — very discomfiting for anyone with a self-loathing or self-destructive streak. But we aren’t reading The Sarah Book: A Memoir here — even though we can see a photo inside of a guy named Scott McClanahan who looks a whole lot like the Scott McClanahan who wrote the book. It’s that risk that elevates an already-powerful work to a new level: It’s a balancing act atop a balancing act. And it’s a work with scenes that aren’t going to leave my head any time soon.

The Writing Life on the Road: Rocio Carlos’ Los Angeles

A visit to the city where pagan & Catholic rituals go hand-in-hand, ghosts are everywhere, and poetry speaks to the community

Electric Literature’s contributing editor Michael J Seidlinger is on the road as part of his project, #followmebook, visiting writers and exploring the limits of social media. As part of a limited summer series called “The Writing Life on the Road,” he’s sharing his conversations with writers he encounters as he makes his way from New York to California. This week, the poet Rocio Carlos, shares details and insights from her writing life in Los Angeles, California.

What follows are highlights from Rocio’s interview with Michael. Her responses have been edited for clarity.

Setting the Scene: Between Churches in Little Tokyo

We are at Far Bar which is at about 1st and Central street, technically in historic Little Tokyo, but it has also been called Bronzeville, and it’s been really important in the history of Los Angeles. Literally a block from here used to be a Buddhist temple and then it was a Baptist church. So it’s pretty informative in the history of our city as a whole.

The Little Notes That Transform Into More

Lately I’ve been writing notes in my phone. I end up having to do an archiving of places where I leave notes for myself. Like I’ll audio messages for myself when I’m writing. I will type notes into the ‘Notes’ app on my phone. I will write notes in a journal that is specifically put aside for that. I have my writing notebook and then I have my work notebook, but then I’ll write things in the margins, or even in my grocery list. So even the notes I write for myself or the everyday act of living, like the things I have to buy or the bills I have to pay sort of become a thing.

Naming All the Plants: Writing Al Fresco

I have a ritual of going outside early morning every morning and just walking around the backyard and noticing the natural world: the temperature, the sky, the animals present, the plants that need care, the plants that are thriving, and just sort of naming them. This is literally me walking around talking to myself out loud. Sometimes I’ll take an Instagram picture, which is a kind of note. The observation, the witness of it is a kind of note taking, and sometimes that can be a photograph, a memory.

Coffee and Cleanliness: Carlos’ Writing Routines

I need a clean house. That takes hours out of my day every day. Last summer I was really good about it. I set up this outdoor patio and I called it my summer office and every morning I would just take my shit out there which means I would just clean later for longer. I made a deal with myself, and I’m in this summer transition mode. It was just solstice, which I observe because I’m a pagan. I have a couple of heavy pieces of sitting furniture that I need moved. The minute a writer friend who can lift heavy furniture comes over, I will ask them to help set up my summer office. I made a deal with myself, as soon as I get up I’m just going to take my laptop, put my oatmeal and coffee on top of it and I’ll see you in two hours, house. In two hours, I’ll see that there is cat hair on everything and then I will clean up. That took some sacrifice and suffering on my part because I am absolutely centered in my home.

I do need coffee. I have coffee every morning. I like to be up at 6:30, and it’s just me and Scout, my cat. She and I just walk the perimeter of my yard — I have a huge yard. It’s magical. We just walk around and thank all the things, even though they are the same things I look at every day. I mourn things that couldn’t live.

The Ghosts that Follow Us: Pagan Catholic Traditions

I am Mexican and I grew up pagan Catholic, with practices that are so old that people don’t separate them from our indigenous practice. People will actively cast spells or things that would be considered spell casting by an orthodox church, and then not see it as contradicting the teachings of the Roman Church; they’ll go to mass immediately after all that and be like ‘this is all part of our cosmos.’ When my father had a stroke and was in the ICU, my mother without blinking said ‘I have your grandmother’s candle,’ by which she meant the pastoral candle that is burned at your baptism and then again when you receive last rights. ‘We’re going to stay up for as many nights as it takes.’ My mother interested the youngest of us, my little sister, in leading the rosary, a part of Roman Catholic practice. In our hands, it is an instrument for invoking and sustaining energy that maybe the Church does not account for. To keep her from falling asleep, my mom put my sister in charge. She would lead the chant; she would call, we would respond. Late into the night after being with my father all day at the hospital, we would just sit in our little living room and chant, chant, chant. That is casting a circle, invoking the deities. Proclaiming gratitude and asking for a favor.

There are ghosts everywhere. How could there not be? The violence of survival, some of us don’t make it. How do you tell a story that doesn’t necessarily belong to you, that you inherited? How do you stay true to it, or what is your responsibility to stay true to it? I always had this idea, being an outsider person in my own family, and in a lot of families it’s really common to attribute your characteristics to another living person. I never had anyone I was like, so I invented this story in my head of how I was like this missing auntie — my dad’s favorite sister who died in a terrible house fire and my grandfather almost died trying to rescue her from the fire. When he brought her out, it was too late. That’s my little ghost.

“There are ghosts everywhere. How could there not be? The violence of survival, some of us don’t make it.”

The Writing Life on the Road: Jeff VanderMeer’s Tallahassee

Call-and-Response

This manuscript that I am working on is like a call-and-response. Every time I would read something, it would prompt a response for me. It’s all paired with past and current observations and of course like everything, it amplifies. So it started as list-making, or talking back. I actually wrote a long poem in nine parts called “The Other House” in which I responded to the entire manuscript [The Yellow House by Chiwan Choi] and it was born from notes that I wrote for my own sake and they evolved into a poem. There was so much more written. A lot of it is in different voices. There’s direct speaking and then there’s interrupted thoughts which can sometimes appear in parentheses, or there are asides which can sometimes appear as italics, and then there are sequential numerations that are like the speaker actively trying to work out the thought. A lot of it is working through trauma and trying to reconcile the past that is inherited. A lot of the stories I inherit about our family and our people are directly tied up with a specific position in nature. Everything in my memory is about plants and animals and how you treat them. Not in some romantic way. It’s visceral and painful.

“Everything in my memory is about plants and animals and how you treat them. Not in some romantic way. It’s visceral and painful.”

The City as a Literary Community

The writing community — I have come in and out of it. In college, that seemed easy because you’re in a little bubble and you’re writing and reading on campus. Once you graduate, you lose it. I was a PEN emerging writer so that was helpful; I wrote and met good people and had good mentors in that program. After that, I ended up getting an MFA. To be a writer, I had to get another job. Thank God, poetry is a gift economy. Thank God, poetry will never be profitable. So I am totally under the radar, my only responsibility is to make the best work I can. When I went to graduate school, I liked my program. I liked my mentors and I liked my peers. I was productive. Afterwards, some of us kept meeting. I went to Otis College of Art and Design. I felt acknowledged, respected, and looked to as a standard by my chair and my peers. After that, for a year, some of us would meet and write. That’s part of my writing community — having someone to be responsible to. If you keep doing work outside of it being marketable, you find people and people find you and eventually it finds a payoff. It’s good to keep doing the work.

On Staying with Your People: At Home in Bicultural Los Angeles

Geographically and culturally, I have only ever lived in Los Angeles. I was born here. I grew up in Boyle Heights. I’ve only ever lived here. I went to college at Cal State LA. I worked for LA Unified, so I drove all over the district subbing at schools. I have never had a desire to live anywhere else. I love being from here and I love working from here and I just feel like I embody the city and I’m proud. In that way, I have never been separate from my people. I’ve made sure I live where I feel at home speaking my languages and I can contribute in some way. That I can talk to my neighbors and it’s not weird. My parents were very deliberate in raising my sister actively bicultural, which means they had rules about when English was allowed and when Spanish was mandatory. We did a lot of rituals that were related to our culture. We did our religious sacraments but we also went to powwows, and we also had quinceañeras and we had to be at the family’s every Sunday. My sister and I performed in dance troops for at least ten years each — actively bi-cultural, encouraged by our parents because when they were new in the US, in the north in the 70s, some of the worst racism they faced was from other Mexican Americans who were born here and looked down on them for not being born here. Culturally, geographically that is my heritage. And I’ve never had to go looking for it, it’s always been around.

“I just feel like I embody the city and I’m proud. In that way, I have never been separate from my people.”

Be our Guest for Masquerade of the Red Death: Redder and Deader… If You Dare!

“And now was acknowledged the presence of the Red Death. He had come like a thief in the night. And one by one dropped the revelers in the blood-bedewed halls of their revel, and died each in the despairing posture of his fall.” —Edgar Allan Poe, “The Masque of the Red Death”

Early bird tickets to the Masquerade of the Red Death: Redder and Deader are now on sale for just $35! Tickets include a mask, unlimited beer and wine, and a specialty cocktail for the first hour. The price increases to $50 on October 1, so get your tickets today!

The Masquerade of the Red Death
Thursday, October 25, 2018
8:00 PM
Littlefield
635 Sackett St.
Brooklyn, NY 11217

Last year, we packed the house at Littlefield with hundreds of revelers who sipped “Red Death” cocktails and danced the night away. This year, Electric Literature’s fundraiser will take the Edgar Allan Poe theme to the next level, with “Masquerade of the Red Death: Redder and Deader.” Guests are again encouraged to wear red or black, and masks will be provided. But unlike last year, not everyone may survive the night…

Dress Code: Red and Black Festive Attire
Music by DJ Colleen Crumbcake
Book Giveaways
21+

Electric Lit, Inc. is 501(c)3 non-profit, and your ticket purchase is tax-deductible minus the cost of goods and services.

Electric Literature is grateful for the support of our generous sponsors.

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Electric Literature is also grateful for the support of our generous patrons who have sponsored tickets for our contributing writers to attend the Masquerade:

Terry McDonell
Meredith Talusan
Cynthia D’Aprix Sweeney

Become a Patron

Can’t make it to Brooklyn for the event? You can still support our mission of making literature more exciting, relevant, and inclusive with a charitable donation. Everything Electric Lit publishes is free to readers, and we pay every one of our writers. Each gift of $50 sponsors one of our writers to attend the Masquerade for free so we can celebrate them as guests of honor. Patrons giving at the $100 level will be acknowledged at the Masquerade on electricliterature.com.

Become a Sponsor

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Hillary Clinton Won’t Have To Worry About Being Reviewed By Michiko Kakutani

It may be a lazy summer Friday, but the book world is buzzing with exciting news. Legendary NY Times chief book critic Michiko Kakutani is stepping down, the Man Booker Prize longlist has been released, and Hilary Clinton’s upcoming book promises to tell the world what exactly happened in 2016.

Michiko Kakutani steps down as chief New York Times book critic

It’s the end of an era in book criticism as we know it. Pulitzer-Prize winning book critic for the New York Times Michiko Kakutani is ending her reign as a feared and respected voice for literature good and bad, as she will be stepping down as the publication’s chief book critic. Kakutani has garnered a reputation for her honest and sometimes scathing book reviews, making and breaking the careers of writers in her 30+ years in the position. Among the authors she has reviewed are literary legends Toni Morrison, David Foster Wallace, and J.K. Rowling. Her reviews not only deemed books good or bad, but sifted through the social implications nestled in the fiction and non-fiction books. Kakutani is relinquishing the prized role to write more essays about politics and culture in the Age of Trump. We know her work will be just as brutal as ever.

[Vanity Fair/ Joe Pompeo]

Man Booker Prize longlist filled with literary big-names

The Man Booker Prize for Fiction has announced its 2017 longlist, and it is graced with English-speaking literary titans. A notable selection is Colson Whitehead’s Underground Railroad, which has already won the National Book Award and the Pulitzer Prize. Arundhati Roy, who made a comeback with her second novel, Ministry of Utmost Happiness, is featured on the list. The Man Booker Prize is for writers of any nationality who write in English and are published in Britain (American writers first became eligible in 2014). This year, four Americans made their way onto the list: Whitehead, Paul Auster, George Saunders, and Emily Fridlund. In September, judges will announce the shortlist, the longlist trimmed down to six works. The winner will be revealed on October 17, granting the recipient a hefty prize of 50,000 pounds.

[The NY Times/ Sophie Haigney]

New Hillary Clinton memoir addresses pressing questions

Hillary Clinton will address the question that has been on our minds since November: how did it all go so wrong? Aptly titled What Happened, Clinton’s most personal memoir yet will offer insight into the former Secretary of State’s experience as the first female presidential candidate from a major party in the United States. In addition, it will explore her thoughts and feelings during one of the most dramatic and messy campaigns in modern U.S. history. According to the book’s publisher, Simon & Schuster, the introduction reads as follows: “In the past, for reasons I try to explain, I’ve often felt I had to be careful in public, like I was on a wire without a net. Now I’m letting my guard down.” The book will also include a fair share of discussion about Russian interference in the election. Now number 17 on. Amazon, What Happened is scheduled to be out on September 12.

[The Washington Post/ Hillel Italie]

Why Do We Still Crave Epiphanies?

Ted Wilson Says Goodbye to the World

Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of the world. Today I am saying goodbye.

After eight years reviewing the world, this column has come to an end. I’ve recently encountered some health concerns and have been given only six weeks to live. While I’m not suffering from any specific malady, I am rather old, and at a recent checkup I pressed my doctor on the matter and she said, “for all I know it could be as little as six weeks.” I’m hoping to beat this thing called old age but the outlook is not good.

With such a prognosis, and also because Electric Literature has cancelled this column, this is my final installment of Ted Wilson Reviews the World that will be published publicly. I will continue reviewing everything in the world in the privacy of my own home, where I do a lot of other private things I can’t tell you about. My reviews will be kept in a notebook, to be revealed only upon my death or if a home invader should find it.

Reviewing one item per week for the last eight years has allowed me to review a lot, but not nearly everything. My hope is that with what little time I have left I can fulfill my pledge of reviewing the world even if that means three-word reviews such as “too many holes” or “not a cabbage.” I also may not be able to devote the time required to spellcheck or fact-check anything.

I would like to thank The Rumpus for originally publishing my column, and Electric Literature for publishing my column up until they decided they no longer wanted to.

I now feel a bit foolish for having spent money on this commercial.

For the next six weeks you can contact me by any of the methods below. (Please sign up for my email list if you’d like to be notified of my funeral arrangements.)

I am on Twitter.com: @iamtedwilson
My email is: iamtedwilson@gmail.com
Call me sometime: (617) 379–2576
All my reviews are here: iamtedwilson.com

Your Friend Forever,
Ted

P.S. Please enjoy this audio review of my review of the alphabet.

The Brief History of a Small-Town Deli

By Eddie Joyce

Presenting the eighth installment of The Bodega Project, where authors from across New York reflect on their communities through that most relied-on and overlooked institution, the bodega. Read the introduction to the series here.

I grew up in Tottenville, out on the southern tip of Staten Island, the southern tip of the state. The last town in an overlooked borough. A peninsula out past the Outerbridge, which, remarkably enough, was named for an actual person: Eugenius Harvey Outerbridge. Growing up, we always thought it was a geographic description. The bridge at the outer end. Of what? Everything. Yet somehow still part of New York City. Put it this way: if you took a small town in Indiana and filled it with New Yorkers, you’d have Tottenville. If that sounds incongruous, well, there you go.

George’s Deli was on the corner of Yetman Avenue and Amboy Road, up the block from three schools, and across the street from Our Lady Help of Christians (OLHC), an old red brick Catholic church with a single turret. Every Sunday, after noon mass, an altar boy, still wearing his white cotta and red rope belt, was dispatched to George’s to buy a six pack of Schaefer for Monsignor Brennan and Father Burke. Aspects of this story may have been apocryphal. A six-pack, for example, seems a little light.

George’s proximity to the church struck a discordant note. A darkness not so much on the edge of town but right in the heart of it. Across from the church no less. A bad element hung around there, teenagers who wore denim jackets dotted with the patches of heavy metal bands: Iron Maiden, Judas Priest, Black Sabbath. Playing video games, smoking cigarettes, and (gasp) doing drugs. Or maybe they were “on drugs.” Our parents weren’t sure. Either way, it was bad. What drugs? Didn’t matter. This was the eighties and all drugs were the same: one huge frying pan that sizzled then scrambled the egg that was your brain. As a result, we weren’t supposed to go into George’s. I only went in there on Saturday mornings, after basketball practice, to get a quarter water and a pack of gum. It was dark inside, even during the day; the video games in the back glowed with alluring light. The floors were wooden and a cat strolled around, up on the counter and back behind the register. Being in there by myself gave me an illicit charge; years later, I would feel a faint echo of it whenever I walked into a bar by myself in the middle of the day. Looking for trouble, as my mother might say.

In 1985, when I was in the fifth grade, a fire destroyed the old church. We watched it happen from our classroom down the block, black smoke billowing out of the elongated windows on its side. The fire was found to be the result of an electrical issue but the bad element from George’s was blamed. If they were on drugs, they were probably pyromaniacs too. They watched the fire as well, from across the street. They gathered outside George’s, skipping school, laughing. I remember watching them laugh and thinking they were evil. Not just bad but evil, like the devil. Only an evil person could laugh at a burning church.

(I was an altar boy in training at the time. Pure as the driven snow. Puberty, with all its occasions of sin, was mere months away. By the time it arrived, mass was being held in the school gym and I was an actual altar boy, on the long road to lapsed. To this day, I blame that fire for my fall away from the faith and by illogical extension, the bad element outside of George’s. Those fire-starting, drug-addicted, heavy-metal-head, Satan worshippers.)

Some time after the fire, I was with a friend who wanted to go into George’s. This friend was bolder than me and I didn’t want to seem timid in front of him. In we went. The store was empty. We took our time, checking out the video games before buying Yahoos and Yodels. (The adolescent version of pairing Cabernet with a ribeye.) We walked out of the store and turned right, in the direction of my house. By the time we saw them, it was too late. A large group gathered around the dumpsters behind the deli. We put our heads down, hoping to pass unnoticed. No such luck.

“Hey carrot top,” one guy said, stepping out in front of me. I’d seen him before. He was burly, had a mustache. He was old, even for this group, almost a grown up. One of his eyes wasn’t right; it curled into the corner near his nose. He was holding a small dart with a red plastic flight. He stepped very close to me. He raised his hand, pumped his arm, like he was going to throw the dart in my face. I flinched. His friends laughed.

“I’ll throw this in your eye,” he said, pumping again. I stumbled back. He smiled. We walked away, trying not to look too nervous, but I was scared shitless. My knees kept knocking into each other.

I never went into George’s again.

Years went by. I became a teenager, grew tall, broadened out. After a while, I didn’t go into George’s not because I was scared but because there was no need to go.

Also, it was no longer George’s. It was now called Rose & Paul’s Deli, though in a hurried, slurry Staten Island accent, it sounded like Rosenpalz, some Shakespearan character who didn’t make the final cut in Hamlet. (Even when it was George’s, I never associated it with the name George. In my head, it was Georgia’s, like the state, which made a certain sense. It was a place, not a name.) Rose & Paul’s was a cleaned up cousin of George’s, but sold the same fare: after-school snacks, milk and bread, beer.

The summer before I left for college, I got a job as a cleaner at my old intermediate school, IS 34. Over the summer, public schools get a once over: stairwells painted, floors waxed, classrooms cleaned. The other guys — the school’s janitors during the year — viewed me with an understandable mix of distrust and disdain. I wasn’t much use and I asked too many questions. We worked in the mornings and after lunch, well, everyone went their separate ways. I went to the gym to shoot jumpers. I didn’t see anyone again until five when I punched myself out and one of them punched everyone else out. This happened every day, except on Fridays.

On Fridays, we all went to the library after lunch. One of the janitors, Whitey, who liked me, sent me up to Rose & Paul’s to buy a case of cold Budweiser tall boys. The first time, when I balked, he told me to say it was for Whitey. Sure enough, when the woman behind the counter saw me carry a case of beer up to the counter, she asked me for ID, a scowl on her face.

“It’s for Whitey,” I said.

“Oh, okay,” she said, taking the twenty he’d given me. “Tell him I said hello.”

I’d carry the case back and we’d sit in the library with the windows open, drinking beer while Whitey told stories. Around four, they’d call it a day, ask me to punch them all out. (I guess they trusted me more after a few beers.) Whitey took home whatever beer hadn’t been finished. They lined the empties up on one large table, in the corner of the room. I didn’t drink much at the time, especially during the day. (College, with all its occasion for sins, was mere months away.) But I nursed a beer or two, to feel like part of the crew. After I punched everyone out, I went back to Rose & Paul’s and bought a pack of gum. I chewed every piece while I walked home, hoping it was enough to cover the smell of beer on my breath.

I’d carry the case back and we’d sit in the library with the windows open, drinking beer while Whitey told stories.

This happened all summer, every Friday. The empties piled up, until the entire table was covered. It worried me, that pile of empty beer cans. I kept thinking the kids would come back to school early and see it. But on the Friday before Labor Day, a few days before I left for college, Whitey dragged two large gray garbage cans into the library. He placed them at the end of the table and pushed all the empties into them. A few fell on the floor, spilling beer, but a quick mop with some ammonia and that was that. Good as new.

“And that’s how you do it,” Whitey said, winking at me. It felt like some hard-earned wisdom was being passed along, though to this day, I couldn’t tell you what it was.

I left Tottenville the next week. Not forever though it felt like it. I was only in Rose & Paul’s one other time. The following summer, I tried to buy a case of beer, using the “it’s for Whitey” trick. But it doesn’t work at ten on a Saturday night, especially when you’re already drunk.

Rose & Paul’s is now Mikey Bagels. (Every deli on Staten Island, it seems, has some association with bagels. Bagel stores have spread across the Island the way bodegas have spread across the rest of the city.) Last week, I stopped in to see it. The store is bright and open with big windows and a handful of tables. On a Wednesday midmorning, it was doing a brisk business: moms chatting over coffee, teachers tucking in to grab tall cans of Arizona iced tea, blue collar workers ordering egg sandwiches. At the far end, where the video games used to be, a television, turned to ESPN, hung over the coffee makers. The attire was working class casual: sweatpants and jean jackets.

Not a bad element in sight. The drugs, however, are definitely there. Tottenville — like all of Staten Island, like almost every working class white part of the country — has been devastated by the opioid epidemic. Before I stopped at the store, I drove around the town for a while, saw a handful of strung out guys strolling the streets. I haven’t lived in Tottenville for twenty years but it was still unsettling. And when it’s widespread as it is, you can’t blame a bad element.

I drove around the town for a while, saw a handful of strung out guys strolling the streets. I haven’t lived in Tottenville for twenty years but it was still unsettling.

My mood improved at the store. I bought a cup of coffee and eavesdropped as the moms one table over debated the merits of having a pool in the backyard versus joining the South Shore Swim Club. An old friend, a teacher at IS 34, stopped in to get a snack. We hugged. She’s the librarian now, works in the same room where Whitey lined up all those empties. She asked after my family and I asked after hers. We promised to get together, the way old friends do even when they know they won’t. She had to run back to school for a meeting. I walked out a few minutes later, took my coffee to the car and drove back to Brooklyn.

About the Author

Eddie Joyce is the author of Small Mercies. He is working on his second novel. He was born and raised on Staten Island. He lives in Brooklyn with his wife and three daughters.

— Photography by Anu Jindal

The Bodega Project – Electric Literature

— The Bodega Project is supported by a grant from the New York City Department of Cultural Affairs.

Planting a Tree in Israel Without Staying to Watch It Grow

Rona wants to move to Paris or Rome or Tel Aviv but instead she lives in a small town in Ohio as a stay-at-home wife of a doctor who gets stuck in bed with migraines. “Stinkbugs fell from the ceiling onto my head while I slept, and the Food Lion in town was forever out of vegetables,” Rona says. She thinks if her husband prescribed her a good tranquilizer, she might arrive at “the state of mind conducive to sleeping ten hours straight with the TV and lights on.”

The characters in Dalia Rosenfeld’s debut short story collection, The Worlds We Think We Know, are often stuck between their connection to their Jewish culture and their displacement from it. Rona, for example, walks around town reading Sholem Aleichem, a 19th century Yiddish author. She gets these books from her mother who thinks if her daughter spent enough time “back in the shtetl,” she would stop complaining about her life in Ohio. When a neighbor recognizes what Rona’s reading and says the writer’s name out loud, pronouncing the guttural ch, Rona’s smitten. “I had hoped we could talk about literature a little longer,” Rona later says as the man admires her breasts in the bathtub. “That was half the reason I had taken off my clothes. The other half, as I have already suggested, was pure physiognomy.”

Rosenfeld writes funny and poignant stories about the struggle to feel at home in the world. In “Swan Street,” a couple moves just because the husband feels fidgety. He trips over a hole in their yard in Israel and declares he cannot live in a country with a permanent frost beneath its soil. In another story, the narrator tells an old man that her parents tried to raise her “to be the kind of Jew who could plant a tree in Israel without having to stay and watch it grow.”

A handful of Rosenfeld’s characters are spouses with not enough to do, so they spend time reading great novels and getting involved in small-town misbehavior. “I’m not sure why my husband let me lie in bed all day,” Rosenfeld writes in one story. “Maybe because he loved me? Or because he knew that it was safer for me to live in Isaac Bashevis Singer’s 1920 Warsaw or Jane Austen’s Pemberley than in dinky Lorraine?”

The rich stasis — the humor and modest drama — of Rosenfeld’s storytelling is reminiscent of Rivka Galchen’s work. In one great Galchen story, the narrator has so little meaningful activity to occupy her time that she focuses on not doing things. “I was trying to eat a little less often, it’s true,” Galchen writes. “I could be like those people who by trying to quit smoking or drinking manage to fit an accomplishment, or at least an attempt at an accomplishment, into every day.” Galchen and Rosenfeld write characters that crave engagement but are overwhelmed by the thought of pursuing it. In “A Famine In The Land,” Rosenfeld’s narrator grows frustrated with her sleepy bar mitzvah mentee:

“I cursed his parents for not enforcing a proper bedtime, and then myself for not knowing when that might be. Nine o’clock? Ten? How many hours did a preteen require these days? It was not enough to know that I needed twelve.”

The lush melancholy of this collection is bolstered by the characters’ deep intelligence and wit, and that spirit coalesces into a final piece called “Naftali,” a story about a woman vying after a man she will never be able to have. The narrator says, “It was easy for me to love [Naftali] without knowing him. He lived in Jerusalem, a city that belonged to my heart like no other.” But even in the holy city with the Jewish man of her dreams, this protagonist feels uncomfortable with her heritage. “I created only more chaos,” she says of her conversations with Naftali. “I could have given up then, admitted to myself that while we might have shared the same roots, there was no point in carrying on like an archaeologist, trying to produce evidence of an unbroken past.”

A Burial Story About Far-Away Family

Jewish history is shredded through with displacement, and many of Rosenfeld’s characters are caught in the position of a having a long cultural history and no sense of home. “The streets were full of people like me,” Rosenfeld writes, “carrying their burdens from one place to another, stopping once, but never more than that, to admire the bougainvillea cascading over fences and stone ledges.” Naftali never stays in around Jerusalem for long, and says, “A Jew must always keep a packed bag under his bed, in the event he has to leave in a hurry.”

Rosenfeld expertly uses sadness and humor side by side, and her characters, while often vying for something more, are full of life. Couples in Rosenfeld’s stories agree to flirt a bit at parties, “just enough to keep a small cosmopolitan spirit alive, and to stay off antidepressants.” One narrator goes out for a drink with one of her husband’s visiting colleagues, a woman named Sophie, and after half a glass of wine is punctuating her conversation with joyful slaps to Sophie’s knee. She says, “While we talked, we got hungry and ordered food, first a plate of polenta fries, then a dish of asparagus, and finally the $25 steak special, which we took turns eating with one fork, even though the server had brought us two.”

That’s what reading Rosenfeld’s writing is like: You sit down to commiserate over your pain, and before you know it you’re laughing and ordering more drinks — more plates of food.

11 Fictional Restaurants We Wish Existed

From a spy-packed Parisian brasserie to a North Atlantic chowder house, we’d love to eat and drink at these iconic literary haunts

Adam Gopnik, the terrific essayist who frequently finds a way to incorporate food into his work, once wrote, “Going to a restaurant is one of my keenest pleasures. Meeting someplace with old and new friends, ordering wine, eating food, surrounded by strangers, I think is the core of what it means to live a civilized life.” I would agree with Gopnik while adding another related, but no less keen or civilized pleasure — reading about a restaurant.

What’s so great about literary restaurants? First and foremost, I’ve found that restaurants — plus cafes, bistros, pubs, diners, really any manner of food establishment except maybe an automat, though full disclosure I’ve yet to come across one in a novel — transport you to and immerse you in the author’s imagined space more vividly than other settings because they play to multiple senses. At a restaurant, we hear the diners chat to each other as the glasses and forks clatter, we see the decor and observe the clientele, smell the cooking and taste the dishes. Restaurants are great for character building, too — you can learn a lot about someone based on what they order, whom they eat with, and how they treat the waitstaff, which incidentally I find holds true in real life, so tip appropriately.

Fictional restaurants, far from real life’s rent hikes and health inspectors, are often cozier, more delicious, more delightfully bizarre or over-the-top luxurious than anywhere I’ve actually eaten, and that’s why I’d absolutely go to these eleven restaurants — and bars for good measure — if only they existed.

1. Brasserie Heininger in Alan Furst’s spy novels

Alan Furst is obsessed with Paris — the Hammett Prize-winning mystery writer returns time and again to the world of dark, smoky, seductive 1930s-era Paris, including many scenes set at the Brasserie Heininger. The brasserie is more than simply a fictionalized version of a classic Parisian restaurant — it’s also a smoky spy den. If I could go, I’d be sure to ask for table 14; in The World at Night, a bullet hole is cracked into the mirror above the table right before the Bulgarian head waiter is shot dead while sitting on the toilet in the ladies’ bathroom.

2. Try Pots in Moby Dick by Herman Melville

On a cold Nantucket evening, what’s better than settling down at an inn where you can dive face-first into a bowl of clam chowder “made of small juicy clams, scarcely bigger than hazel nuts, mixed with pounded ship biscuit, and salted pork cut up into little flakes; the whole enriched with butter, and plentifully seasoned with pepper and salt.” Granted, chowder is the only dish they serve at Try Pots (your choice of cod or clam), but see it as a delightful quirk, like the restaurant’s floor, which is paved with clamshells.

3. The Angleterre in Anna Karenina by Leo Tolstoy

The 19th century Russian aristocracy weren’t exactly known for their restraint, and the meal which Oblonsky and Levin share at The Angleterre is fit for two kings, which incidentally is how the wait staff treats them throughout their lavish, multi-course meal. On the menu? Turbot, oysters, cabbage soup, roast beef, capons, poulard a l’estragon, macedoine de fruits, Chablis, and Champagne, among other treats.

4. The Three Broomsticks from the Harry Potter series by J.K. Rowling

J.K. Rowling knows how to create delightful magical spaces (see: all of Diagon Alley and especially the bookstore, Flourish and Blots). That includes the wizarding world’s pubs: the Three Broomsticks is a local Hogwart’s hangout in the village of Hogsmeade, and I’d love to join the students and teachers for a pint of Butterbeer or a glass of Firewhiskey, mulled mead, or red currant rum.

5. Speakeasy in The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald

Faux-speakeasies and Prohibition-era cocktails are a dime a dozen in modern day New York, but there’s nothing like the real thing, particularly if the bar is created by F. Scott Fitzgerald — a man who knew how to have a good time. The den where Nick Carraway and Gatsby go to lunch and drink illicit booze is also a hothouse of dubious characters, including the man responsible for fixing the 1919 World Series. Pass the moonshine, please.

6. Whistle Stop Cafe in Fried Green Tomatoes at the Whistle Stop Cafe by Fanny Flag

The Whistle Stop Cafe is a warm, cozy spot where everyone is welcome to come and enjoy home-cooked Southern food, including the titular green tomatoes fried in cornmeal. Flag’s cafe was inspired by one that her great-aunt Bess owned in Irondale, Alabama, and she once admitted, “Strangely enough, the first character in Fried Green Tomatoes was the café, and the town. I think a place can be as much a character in a novel as the people.” Just one hint: skip the BBQ.

7. Unnamed Restaurant in Sweetbitter by Stephanie Danler

Danler’s fictional, unnamed restaurant was inspired the Union Square Cafe, the popular New York City restaurant where she worked as a waitress while earning her MFA at the New School. Instead of trying to nab a reservation in the dining room, I’d grab a seat at the bar and enjoy the delicious food while watching a kind of dinner theater — the many tensions and romantic entanglements that Danler seeded among the restaurant staff.

12 Fictional Bookstores We Wish Were Real

8. O’Connell’s in White Teeth by Zadie Smith

Smith excels at capturing the London which exists outside the posh streets of Kensington and the tourist attractions around Buckingham Palace and the Tower of London. Take O’Connell’s: an Irish pool house run by Arabs, it has no actual pool tables and the menu is bare bones, or short and sweet, depending on what you’re in the mood for — which better be eggs, chips, beans, and mushrooms, because that’s all they serve. Of course you go to O’Connell’s less for the eggs and more for the conversation, which covers “everything from the meaning of Revelation to the prices of plumbers. And women. Hypothetical women.”

9. La Céleste Praline from Chocolat

This 1999 novel tells the story of a wandering chocolate-maker named Vianne Rocher who comes to the small French village of Lansquenet-sous-Tannes and opens a chocolaterie during the season of Lent. Vianne’s sugary creations aren’t appreciated by the local priest, who fights to shut her down. He loses, of course, to Vianne’s mouth-watering confections, like a gingerbread house “with the detail piped on in silver and gold icing, roof tiles of Florentines studded with crystallized fruits, strange vines of icing and chocolate growing up the walls, marzipan birds singing in chocolate trees.”

10. The Cat’s Pajamas in 2 A.M. at the Cat’s Pajamas by Marie-Helene Bertino

The “second best jazz club” in Philly may be the most delightful in terms of atmosphere, from its charming name to its quirky, likable staff and regular patrons. I’d easily hole up at The Cat’s Pajamas for a long night of house drinks, jazz, and shimmying — something which happens regularly at the Cat and which needs to happen more in everyday life.

11. Dorsia in American Psycho by Bret Easton Ellis

The Dorsia is the ultimate in ridiculously expensive yet horrendously disgusting 1980s New York City power-dining. Though I wouldn’t want to actually eat dishes like blackened lobster with strawberry sauce or baby softshell crab with grape jelly, I would stop by to see the spectacle and then take pleasure in doing something that didn’t exist when Ellis was working on American Psycho — writing a scathing review on Yelp.

Cliff Huxtable Stole My Heart, Bill Cosby Broke It

For a long time, when people asked me what television shows I liked, I had only one show from which to choose. As a kid, I wasn’t allowed television on weekdays, but my parents made The Cosby Show the sole exception. It was not only permitted; it was pretty much a requirement. I was more or less fine with this, or at least this is what I recall. Without fail, on Thursday nights at 8 p.m., Ganeshananthans assembled to watch Huxtables, and I loved it.

What made my parents choose Cosby as the exception to their rule about television, which they considered generally useless? Maybe it was that the Huxtables weren’t white, as my family is not; we are Tamil, and Sri Lankan, and American, not always in that order, and had no prayer of seeing a family demographically like ours on the small screen. (This is still true.) But we could throw our allegiance to Cosby’s fictional black family and see some things that we recognized. Maybe it was that Bill Cosby as Cliff Huxtable was a doctor, like my father; perhaps it was that lawyer Clair Huxtable was a strong and intelligent and opinionated and beautiful woman, like my mother. There is also more than a chance that we saw my brother in goofy Theo, the only Huxtable boy among five children. Or maybe I was the recognizable one: before I went to college with Felicity or high school with Dawson Leery, I was about the same age as the youngest Huxtable daughter, Rudy. (I suspect it would be a lie to say I was as incessantly cute. In fact, I was definitely jealous that I wasn’t.)

We could throw our allegiance to Cosby’s fictional black family and see some things that we recognized.

Compelling as all these factors were, though, none of them could have won my family’s viewing loyalty without the necessary, indefinable, and joyous chemistry between the show’s seven (!) leads. I was comfortable with the Huxtables’ safe, upper-middle-class, black professional identity, sure, but more than that, I was comfortable with their comfort with each other, a dynamic that to this day I have never seen rivaled in a sitcom. They were more than merely funny and physical; they were also unapologetically and intelligently weird and quick and particular. As a child, I had only a subconscious interest in the representation of people of color on screen; I did know, though, that I craved Huxtable level familiarity, humor, play, silliness, and wit. They felt, from their very first season, their very first episode, rich and real — wholly imagined.

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The small intimacies and inside jokes of their family were irresistible on-screen. In Clair Huxtable I saw a wife and mother who let her partner lean on her, and I don’t mean metaphorically. A Huxtable daughter receiving a scolding was likely hearing from parents entangled at the foot of her bed like cats; Theo entering the living room might find Cliff and Clair lounging on each other on the sofa. Even as the dapper duo jointly chastises their children, the attraction between them remains magnetic and undeniable. In one episode, Theo gets in trouble with the police for riding in a car driven by a friend who only has a permit — but his parents are bickering, and he hopes this will help them forget to punish him. To his dismay, he returns home one afternoon to find them on the couch, clearly about to make out. Go upstairs, they coo at him, staring at each other in reconciliatory delight. We’ll be up to punish you shortly. Theo vanishes as instructed, and the couple discusses possible penalties while Cliff buries his nose in Clair’s neck. Cosby’s sparring partner, the indomitable Phylicia Rashad (née Ayers-Allen), is a notably gorgeous woman, but more importantly, the writers made the character of Clair smart and sexy. She wants her way and mostly gets it, while her husband makes eyes at her.

The house of the Huxtable family seems to rest on this foundation. The magic of Clair walking into her own living room after a long day at work, only to see Rudy upended on her father, both of them asleep! I have no idea how we ended up like this, dear, Cliff Huxtable says when she wakes him up, and it seems innocent and sweet. Don’t wake her up, Clair cautions him. Shaking his whole body, he demonstrates that it would be impossible to do so.

We trusted Cosby; I too could have fallen asleep there, believing completely that nothing bad would happen to me.

It’s impossible now, watching this show, to see it without the invisible but insistent subtitles of my jaded heart. When Cliff Huxtable whirls Clair around, I imagine a chorus of women next to her. When he emerges from his OB-­GYN practice, I wonder at his profession, which involves closely examining women’s bodies even as it gives him the safe veneer of someone interested in the lives of children. When he polices his daughters’ behavior or hassles their dates, I am distinctly unamused. Some people may be able to separate the artist from the art, and I don’t know that I hold that against them. But I loved The Cosby Show because I found it intimate, and in the face of recent knowledge, that intimacy feels newly dangerous. As a kid watching The Cosby Show, I imagined my body in a space with their bodies — a safe and loving space. Today, as I rewatch, one person in that half hour seems sickeningly unsafe.

We know now that some women entering Bill Cosby’s real home say they were in danger. He has been accused of drugging and assaulting them. The intimacy I admired in the show as a child and thought a signifier of safety seems to have been turned to his advantage when he wanted to prey on women who sought his professional guidance and mentorship. Armed with his avatar, Cliff Huxtable, Cosby wasn’t silly; he was vicious.

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Going back in time and television to think about why I loved this family so much, and why I felt they had been taken from me, I found a YouTube clip of that same conversation from the pilot between Theo and Cliff. Someone has reedited it so that it involves Theo asking his father for a definition of sexual assault. I couldn’t finish watching. I clicked away, away, away, so that I was no longer in Theo’s messy teenage bedroom, no longer watching his authoritative, kindly father at the foot of the bed. I thought of the women and their stories.

Family and dear friends: the people in whose homes or upon whose shoulders you might doze off in complete safety, and without them minding. (Even now I am given to these lapses at the houses of favorite pals.) I think too of the comforting proximity of my own parents, who let me doze on them, in cars, at concerts, on planes, at people’s houses, always gently chiding me to remove my glasses first so that I didn’t break them. To me, the physical familiarity that was such a vital part of the Huxtables’ undeniable fun looked dear and close and warm. I recognized it, perhaps because I often watched the show snuggled up on one parental shoulder or the other. And like the Huxtable children, when I was small I often looked for an excuse to clamber into my parents’ bed. On other sitcoms, children snoozing near parents are astonishing, and played almost exclusively for comic relief. I can’t wait until the kids are out of here, the parents say to each other. Or: Now we can have fun. But on The Cosby Show, a stray child diving into the bedclothes is routine, and Cliff and Clair obviously sometimes want their children there. The physicality of being related is present in every single scene.

The pair often counsels their offspring as my parents did, inviting them to have private conversations that give the young people a modicum of dignity, even when they misbehaved. Admonishments are often paired with reminders of love. Here in their implausibly spacious Brooklyn home is a set of siblings who kiss their parents hello, annoy each other, throw food at each other, borrow each other’s clothes with and without permission, and hug. In early episodes, youngest siblings Rudy and Vanessa are at each other’s throats; second sister Denise admonishes her mother to control her children when they begin a fight at the dinner table. But Vanessa and Rudy also wander around the Huxtable household with entwined fingers as they bother each other. Theo gets in hot water when playing circus with Rudy results in her getting injured. This friction of love on the show felt — and feels — genuine and electric. The rub of affection and argument made possible all sorts of tender and difficult and odd conversations. The Huxtables were not only blacker but also smarter and stranger and more specific than other television families. More believable. Watching them is like being invited to a private club.

The Huxtables were not only blacker but also smarter and stranger and more specific than other television families. More believable. Watching them is like being invited to a private club.

Their jokes are often deeply character-based. They favor family stories or mannerisms or imitations; they construct elaborate pranks, skits, and musicals. They can easily put on and shed other skins because their basic knowledge of each other is so strong. In one episode, Cliff imitates a car Denise covets; in another, he compares a woman giving birth to a toaster ejecting bread. But such hilarity wasn’t Cosby’s sole responsibility: the child performers with whom he surrounded himself would often rise to meet him in inspired performances that matched him silliness for silliness. Theo and Rudy are especially good at this. In the first Thanksgiving episode, Cliff mimics Julia Child while teaching Theo how to carve the turkey. Theo asks Cliff, “Why are you talking like that?” “I have no idea,” Cliff says in response. “It just makes me feel more secure when I’m in the kitchen. Now try it, my boy. And talk it through.” Malcolm Jamal-Warner as Theo doesn’t leave the invention to Bill Cosby; he responds by creating his own growly Muppet-like voice, a character he holds even when his mother and sister dip their heads into the room to find out what’s going on.

In the most famous scene from the pilot, Cliff explains to underachieving Theo why he will need to go to college by setting up a dummy life with a dummy job and a Monopoly salary. The money is quickly eaten up by rent, transportation, and food. (And taxes! As Cliff informs his son, the government comes for the regular people first.) Theo, who had said he wanted to be a “regular person,” ends up with no money at all. He later tells his father that he understands his parents’ point, but that they should understand his. They are successful professionals, but maybe he was just born to be a regular person and they should love him anyway because he’s their son.

The studio audience claps a bit at this line masquerading as deep truth. This is where most shows stop, on the feel-good moment. But Cosby went for feel better. Cliff breaks back in. Theo, he says, that is the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard, and you are going to try hard at school because I said so. Also, Theo, I love you. I brought you into this world, and I’ll take you out.

Later still, the whole family conspires to teach Theo a lesson along similar lines, but on an even grander scale. With Cliff, Clair, Vanessa, Denise, and Rudy in special roles — landlord, building owner, restaurateur, modeling-agency secretary — they perform a “real world” to give Theo an idea of what it’s like to pay rent. When he laughs at their performances and asks for his family, they withhold their familiar selves from him. With its swift elevation of children to powerful status, the episode highlights exactly how little they know about how the world works. Rudy, ridiculous in an old-lady outfit, owns several buildings, and won’t make any exceptions to allow her brother to rent an apartment. Cliff, playing the role of a building super, tells Theo — aghast at the sight of his bedroom bereft of furniture — that he needs a reference, and will have to get his own replacement bed and chairs. Theo slowly rises to the dare, enlisting his friend Cockroach to join the pretend world as his boss.

In another episode, Vanessa fights with classmates who call her a rich girl. “None of this would have happened if you weren’t so rich,” she wails at her parents. Would you be friends with someone who had more than you? Less than you? Clair asks. Yes, Vanessa says. Well, then it’s those girls who have the problem, Clair says, and honey, you are rich: you have a family that loves you. Thanks, Mom, Vanessa says, and then adds, But when I grow up I’m just not going to have so much money. That way my kids won’t have any problems.

She is ridiculous. I can see why my parents liked this show so much.

My mother, it turns out, does not remember her own Cosby Rule. Is her memory trying to disavow? I am surprised. Maybe, she said dubiously, when I asked her recently, years removed from that house, that television, that ritual. She used a skeptical tone of voice she reserves for humoring me and which I am only able to align with Clair Huxtable in retrospect. Sure, my mother said, when she realized I had checked out all the library’s available DVDs and brought them home for Thanksgiving. You brought what home? o.k., let’s watch again. And so we did, my parents and I, our memories of 1984–92 stained by over sixty allegations of sexual assault against Bill Cosby, a man we had once thought of as the head of a family much like ours. Once again, I put my head on my mother’s shoulder

I told her: I felt dirty even taking the DVDs out of the library. She laughed a little, just to show that she got it, because it wasn’t funny. We were watching Clair — I had perhaps almost entirely disappeared into watching Clair — when one of them said: She defended him. Didn’t she? She had. I don’t remember if it was my mother or my father, but I realized: they couldn’t forget either.

And So, We Commence by J. Robert Lennon

You have to understand: my father too has a kind face. My father too is a doctor. My father too would say How. Much. when we asked him for things sometimes, Cliff-like. My father too has an elasticity of spirit and expression; he can be silly even as he is stern and loving, and when I first watched Cliff, I did not know which father preceded the other. Now I am horrified that I ever thought of these two men in the same way.

Still, I am impressed by the show’s lasting power. It does not appear in reruns as often as it might were its star’s legacy not crumbling. It’s sad that a show that did such a terrific job of portraying the generational transfer of knowledge will be erased because many people will be too uncomfortable to show it to their children. I don’t blame them. But look: the physical and emotional closeness I loved in my first viewing was enabled, I suspect, by the cast’s balance of five women and two men. Can it be, after all this news, that Bill Cosby made a show about women and their power? Is it possible to see the show this way? So often, Cosby humor arises from Cliff and Theo playing fools to the older women’s competent straight “men.” The boys attempt to hide their hunger for things they shouldn’t have: food, money, markers of status. Clair in particular is excellent at catching her husband, who is supposed to be as good as her and clearly isn’t. She is in control; her daughters are her avatars. Sondra, the oldest child, is an academic high achiever like her mother and goes to Princeton; Denise has her mother’s creativity, vivacity, and beauty; Vanessa possesses Clair’s keen sense of ambition and justice; Rudy wields a hefty dose of her mother’s charm, comic timing, and skill as a performer (in performance and social situations). The women are frequently powerful, competent, smart, and stylish, while the men are more often than not gentle jesters with aspirations to the same kind of discipline.

Cosby made me his ardent viewer by showing a kind fatherly figure, one who deployed his authority and his wealth to help and protect his family — when in his real life he used those things to endanger and lie to people.

Or is this feminist reading simply my desire to redeem the show in the wake of the allegations about its star? Bill Cosby was ostensibly the sun around which the other characters orbited, even though he had a real rival for attention in Phylicia Rashad. The family was modeled on Cosby’s stand-up, which was modeled on his own family. Cosby made me his ardent viewer by showing a kind fatherly figure, one who deployed his authority and his wealth to help and protect his family — when in his real life he used those things to endanger and lie to people. Many of his accusers relate experiences that fall outside the statute of limitations for prosecution; there is one exception for which he recently stood trial. Horribly, it ended in a mistrial. A number of the stories from Cosby’s accusers include moments when Cosby allegedly took advantage of young women by leveraging his status as a mentor or a successful man with money and power. Knowing this, it is hard to watch him lecture the young actors on the Cosby set about how to conduct themselves responsibly with money. Be in the real world, he tells them. They take his advice and grow up.

Their “father” is the one unable to do so. Now, in the wake of the mistrial, Cosby seeks to resume his role as a giver of life advice: he plans a national series of talks aimed at helping others to avoid sexual assault charges. That reedited talk in Theo’s bedroom, gone even more haywire.

I, in turn, once the faithful viewer, seem to have outgrown my television. The Cosby Show, the family-friendly and yet still willfully weird creation of Dr. William H. Cosby Jr., Ed.D., was the number one show in America for five straight years. Once upon a time, watching it made me feel comfortable, smart, and included. Of course, that’s no longer true. And nothing I’ve watched since has quite matched it.

A few years ago, I stopped watching television almost entirely. I had two televisions, and they sat in my apartment, big and dark and blank. I gave one away when I moved. The second I abandoned in an alley. It was the television I’d inherited, a television I could afford. I let it go and left it for someone else to pick up. And then for about a year, I had no television. I didn’t miss it. I did not replace it until yesterday, when someone I trusted, upon whose shoulder I’ve slept, gave me an old television, and I thought, well, maybe I’ll try again.

“Lovewatch, Hatewatch (or, ‘I Brought You into This World and I’ll Take You Out’)” is reprinted by permission from Little Boxes (Coffee House Press, 2017). Copyright © 2015 by V. V. Ganeshananthan.

10 Things You Have to See from the New PEN Digital Archive

We scoured PEN’s incredible new digital archive for these gems.

Today, PEN America launched its long-awaited Digital Archive, a collection of more than 1,500 hours of audio and visual material available for free online. The project, which took five years to compile, spans more than 50 years of PEN cultural programming aimed at exploring the intersection of literature and freedom of expression. The Archive features speeches, discussions, and panels from some the world’s most renowned artists and intellectuals, covering a range of subjects from religion to free speech to the dangers and possibilities of new technology. Below is a list of ten items you shouldn’t miss from this exciting new resource.

1. Toni Morrison Discusses Freedom of Expression and the Writer’s Role

Toni Morrison receives the 2008 PEN/Borders Literary Service Award and discusses important topics including oppression, conflict, freedom of thought — and how writers fit into it all.

2. PEN World Voices: Writing the Story of Life in Fact & Fiction

A panel discussion, part of the 2008 PEN World Voices Festival, explores the increasingly hazy distinction between fiction and memoir. Speakers address how authors decide what information to reveal and what to withhold, when to be specific and when to keep it broad.

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3. New York Writers: Writing Through One’s Cultural Background

Six authors, including Cynthia Ozick and Fay Chiang, talk about whether and how their cultural backgrounds affect their work. They discuss the weight of the term “ethnic subculture” and the realities of marginalization and division.

4. Gabriel García Márquez: Everyday Magic

A tribute to the Spanish writer who popularized magical realism, this event includes Paul Auster reading excerpts of Márquez’s short story “Sleeping Beauty and the Airplane” and Salman Rushdie discussing his notable writing style in One Hundred Years of Solitude. The night ends with a message from Márquez, read to the audience by Patricia Cepeda.

5. An Evening of Forbidden Writing, 1986

Joseph Brodsky, Toni Morrison, Edward Said and others read the banned, forbidden, and exiled works of writers such as Osip Mandelstam, Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn, and Mila D. Aguilar. They delve into a discussion about political imprisonment, freedom of expression, and the immeasurable power of words.

6. 48th PEN International Congress — Opening Ceremony

This 1986 event stirred up quite a bit of buzz. The recording begins with introductory remarks from then-president of PEN International, Per Wästberg, and then-president of U.S. PEN, Norman Mailer. Later, Ronald Reagan’s Secretary of State George Shultz speaks, ending his remarks with the line, “Don’t be surprised by the fact that Ronald Reagan and I are on your side.” At the end, Mailer explains his controversial decision to invite Shultz.

7. Writers in Support of Salman Rushdie

A number of writers including Joan Didion and Norman Mailer show their support of Salman Rushdie and read from his book The Satanic Verses, which at the time (1989) had been pulled from shelves by three major booksellers. Speakers discuss the hazards of political leaders making judgements about books and the value of freedom of expression.

8. 1966 PEN International Congress — The Writer as Public Figure

Noteworthy cultural and literary figures, including Arthur Miller and Pablo Neruda, talk about how writers fit into the public eye. They question why people read classics — because their lessons and characters are universal, or because of their authors’ historical role? They ponder how technology and media effect the public personas of writers.

How to Write About Love and Atonement in the Midst of a Humanitarian Crisis

9. Making It In The Mainstream: Writers Who Reached a Larger Audience, and How They Did It

This is the sixth annual PEN-AAP symposium, in which five writers and their publishers/editors discuss what components are necessary to create a successful book and how to reach an expanded audience. The audio recording features Dominick Dunne and Terry McMillan, among others.

10. Thirty Years of Feminism: Literature and the Movement. Taboos — Striking Them Down and Striking Back

“Thirty Years of Feminism” was a multi-part event in 1992 about the influence of female writers. In this segment, participants discuss a writer’s relationship to taboos, gender discrimination, and how women can fight back against societal stigmas.