Ted Wilson Reviews the World: 2016

★★★★★ (5 out of 5)

Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of the world. Today I am reviewing 2016.

I’ve been alive for a long time and I have to say 2016 is my favorite year so far. In fairness to some of the other years, I can’t remember them that well because they were so long ago. It’s sad how much of one’s life is forgotten.

There were a lot of great moments this year, from Britain gaining independence from the European Union to Josh Duggar being cured of his desire to molest people.

But what’s foremost on our minds this week is the recent string of celebrity deaths. Have you ever noticed how celebrities die together? So do elderly couples, twins, and even strangers. When one stranger dies, another dies almost instantly. It’s spooky.

While all the celebrity deaths were certainly sad, the bright side is those celebrities got to become celebrities. And if that wasn’t enough, now they’ve moved on to whatever they think the next stage of life is, which is usually much better than regular life.

As a Jehovah’s Witness, Prince died hoping to beone of the 144,000 allowed into Heaven. If Heaven isn’t full already, I think he had a good chance of getting in. Much better than the odds of someone without a ticket trying to get into a Prince concert.

Selfishly, I miss some of the celebrities who passed, especially Gene Wilder and Anton Yelchin. They both had such a gentle and kind manner about them. It was nice to be reminded that people like that still exist.

The newest President of the United States was elected this year, and while I’m personally not a fan of electing people suffering from severe mental illnesses into office, many voters disagree. The good news is these voters are now so filled with enthusiasm to see their candidate elected, that their joy and cheer is bound to spread across the nation!

Scientists discovered a new species of octopus which they are calling a ghost octopus. This is exciting news for people who like ghosts, and exciting news for the ghost octopus population. It must be lonely to be an undiscovered species on this planet — living among 7.5 billion humans and none of them even knowing you exist. Congratulations and welcome to our consciousness, ghost octopi!

One great thing that happened this year is I got a new car. I already had one but wanted to challenge myself by learning to drive two at once. It’s both a physical and mental challenge.

The best solution I could find — while not perfect — is to put one car in neutral and push it with the other car. If I need to turn, I pull to the side of the empty car as it’s coasting and nudge it gently. To stop, I pull in front of that car and let it smash against my rear bumper. I plan to buy a third car to see how far I can take this.

There were a few more wonderful things that probably happened this year but I have no proof of:
1. An orphan was adopted and given a puppy.
2. A thief successfully stole the iPhone she needed to feed her family.
3. You loved someone even if they didn’t know it or love you back.

BEST FEATURE: Pretty sure I saw a UFO. May have been a lightning bug. Pretty neat either way.
WORST FEATURE: Westworld.

Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing 2015.

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