Ted Wilson Reviews the World: The 2016 Presidential Election
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☆☆☆☆☆ (0 out of 5)
Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of the world. Today I am reviewing the 2016 Presidential Election.
If you’re like me, you voted for Donald Trump. If you’re also like me, you did it by accident because you had a brownie crumb stuck in your eye and it was hard to see what you were doing and there was a long line of voters behind you and you felt a lot of pressure to hurry up so you just checked off whatever and hoped for the best.
A lot of people voted for Donald Trump intentionally though, and it’s hard for me to understand why. I asked someone wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat why she voted for Trump but she told me to shut up. This made me understand her even less. That’s when I realized I’m never going to truly understand another person’s very specific life experience that causes them to think someone like Donald Trump could be a good choice to elect as President.
Divisiveness and anger seemed to be the prevalent themes for this election on both sides. Trump supporters hate Hillary supporters, and Hillary supporters hate Trump supporters. Beyond that, I’m not sure what anyone really was talking about.
That’s when I got the idea that if we all had a common enemy, we could come together. So I went to my polling place on election morning dressed in my Halloween costume as an alien. At first people just assumed I was a Trump supporter because they seem to wear lots of costumes, but then the Trump supporters thought I was a Hillary supporter making a statement about undocumented immigrants.
I had hoped people would think I was an actual extraterrestrial coming to conquer the planet, but this worked just as well. Everyone on both sides hated me. That’s when I pulled off my mask and said, “See? We can all come together in the face of a common enemy. We’re not so different after all.”
I spread my arms wide, expecting people to start hugging me, but one man claimed I was lunging toward him and he pepper sprayed me. Then someone posted a video of it online, my email got hacked, and people threatened to kill me.
There’s literally no part of Donald Trump that I like, but I’m reluctant to hate him. It’s clear he suffers from a mental illness. I would never hate someone for having cancer the same way I would never hate someone for being mentally ill.
When Donald Trump was born, he was an innocent baby and whoever raised him spent a long time hating him. Now he’s spreading that hatred because it’s all he’s ever known.
I guess in that way we’re all a lot like him. We all love to hate.
BEST FEATURE: Bobby Jindal’s unintentionally hilarious hidden camera announcement for his bid for the Presidency.
WORST FEATURE: The legitimization of bigotry in the eyes of bigots.
Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing a marshmallow.