TED WILSON REVIEWS THE WORLD: A FRUIT SALAD

★★☆☆☆

Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of the world. Today I am reviewing a fruit salad.

Why is it that a pile of fruit is a fruit salad, but a pile of meat isn’t a meat salad? It’s just a pile of meat. I went to culinary school to find out the answer!

Unfortunately, when I arrived, I was told all the classes were full. That’s when I remembered a movie where a man gets into college by pretending to be black. That gave me an idea! What if I went to butcher school instead? After wandering around for several hours hoping to find one, I got tired and stopped for lunch.

I ordered a fruit salad despite the menu offering only a vague description of what the salad included, saying it contained “seasonal fruits.” What kind of meaningless gibberish is that? I can buy any fruit I want at any time of year. Fruits don’t have seasons!

When the salad arrived I learned why they didn’t get into specifics. There was not a single fruit I could identify and I’ll bet neither could the chef. There was a firm, white fruit the waiter told me he thought might be a “pare.” I’ve never heard of such a thing so I didn’t eat it. I never eat anything new if I can help it because you never know what might give you a tummy ache. Or worse: cancer.

The salad wasn’t very filling so I ordered two more. Then I ordered a third because one fell onto the floor and ants took most of it. If the salad had some meat in it to begin with, I never would have needed additional salads, and then those ants would have starved to death. So many problems would have been fixed.

If the ingredients had been a pare with some type of pig-watermelon hybrid animal, it would have made the difference between a fine salad and a spectacular one. Sadly, neither technology nor God has willed such a thing into existence yet.

There was one thing about this salad I really liked, and that was how it smelled like a smoothie. Like a solid, lumpy smoothie. It reminded me of the odor at a smoothie place I went to once looking for a Slurpee. The worker there had a very nice smile. Eating this salad was like tasting that guy’s smile.

BEST FEATURE: So much mystery! I like mystery. It makes me feel like a detective.
WORST FEATURE: I got a seed stuck in my teeth for three weeks and had to use tweezers to get it out.

Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing Christmas Eve, 2001.

About the Author

More Like This

The Life of a Male Writer, Told By the Women Who Couldn’t Write His Story

In "The Sweetest Fruits," Monique Truong reimagines Lafcadio Hearn through the women who loved him

Sep 6 - JR Ramakrishnan

This Cookbook from 1942 Is a Textbook for Making a Better World

Revisiting "How to Cook a Wolf" in the era of climate change

Aug 29 - Abby Walthausen

When Your First Date Is Orchestrated by an Otter

Shawn Wong recommends "Bottles of Beaujolais" by David Wong Louie

Aug 28 - David Wong Louie