Ted Wilson Reviews the World: Cotton Candy

★★★★★ (5 out of 5)

Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of the world. Today I am reviewing cotton candy.

Scientists and religious zealots agree — cotton candy is the greatest of the candies. It’s delicious, texturally superior, fun to watch being made, and can be worn as a wig. At most, a chocolate bar can be worn as a mustache only after warming it up and smearing it above your lip.

You probably remember the first time you had cotton candy: A man you would not normally choose to associate with was spinning the candy into existence, spinning and spinning, leaving you almost hypnotized.

You wanted the cotton candy so deeply that you were willing to risk slightly brushing against the skin of this man’s hand as he passed the cotton candy to you. And the moment the pink, soft, sweet candy touched your tongue, you forgot that man had ever existed.

According to a pamphlet I found on the ground at the carnival, cotton candy was invented by Eli Whitney right after he finished inventing the cotton gin. Local townspeople thought he was a witch when they saw what he had done, and were ready to burn him at the stake. But when they tasted the results of his witchery, they relented.

It’s not easy to fill up on cotton candy. I once ate over two dozen servings at the carnival and still had room for a steak dinner afterwards. And then when I spotted the cotton candy vendor dining alone across from me, we went out to the parking lot and he made me more cotton candy out of the trunk of his car.

He said he could see the passion in my tongue and offered to sell me his cotton candy machine right there on the spot. In honor of Eli Whitney, and because this man said the cash could help him get away from things for a while, I ran to the ATM.

My kitchen was too small to accommodate a cotton candy machine, so I installed it next to my bed, allowing me to start and end my day with a delicious treat. Now sometimes I’ll even spin a 3 AM snack just because I can. I don’t need to wait around for a carnival to come through town.

BEST FEATURE: It’s super easy to break off a piece and feed to a bird.
WORST FEATURE: It’s even harder to get than Girl Scout cookies.

Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing a bloody knife.


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