Ted Wilson Reviews the World: A Watermelon


Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of the world. Today I am reviewing a watermelon.

It’s summertime, which means watermelons are still available to purchase just as they are any other time of year — but what makes summertime watermelons stand apart from the rest is that they don’t taste like a sheet of paper.

I recently bought a watermelon because I wanted my groceries to weigh 10 lbs. more than usual for the exercise. Unfortunately the watermelon I purchased was too large, and halfway home my arms gave out, so I had to abandon my groceries and roll the watermelon the rest of the way.

With watermelons there is always a certain amount of mystery. Will it be ripe? Will it have been hollowed out by a worm and replaced with hundreds of baby worms? You never know.

I had a good feeling about the one I’d purchased though, but when I cut it open I was met with the most surreal sensation. It was ripe — that wasn’t the issue. The strange thing was the pattern of the seeds looked just like Jesus’s face. Not Jesus the biblical figure, but Jesus my mechanic.

I thought it was a practical joke, or maybe a subtle marketing campaign on behalf of Tech Auto Repair. In Japan they can grow square watermelons, so it wouldn’t be that much of a stretch to think someone could grow ones with seeds in the patterns of a specific human face.

I think the campaign backfired because now the next time I see Jesus I’ll have to pretend I’m not picturing my knife slicing into his face and red juice running out.

The other issue with the seeds was I kept getting them stuck in my teeth. Normally I don’t care if I have food stuck in my teeth because my charm and confidence allow me to gracefully overcome such superficial trivialities, but I always worry about the possibility of a seed taking root in my gums. Getting a tooth removed is expensive. I can’t imagine what it costs to get an entire plant removed.

This watermelon was quite delicious and made even more so with the addition of feta cheese. I don’t know what part of the cow feta cheese comes from but it’s the perfect accompaniment to a watermelon.

BEST FEATURE: I saw my neighbor watching me while I ate the watermelon and I could tell she wanted some too and I’m not proud to say it but I enjoyed the power I held over her.
WORST FEATURE: I found some worms in the rind when I was done.

Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing a Crayon.


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