Ted Wilson Reviews the World: Spaghetti

★★☆☆☆ (2 out of 5)

Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of the world. Today I am reviewing spaghetti.

Eating spaghetti is like eating a big plate of flavorless hair. I know this because I once ate a big plate of flavorless hair when a jokester presented it to me as spaghetti. The two are no different. That’s how I was able to eat all that hair without noticing.

But spaghetti doesn’t have to be used as spaghetti. If you take a cheese grater to dried spaghetti, it will turn into a flour-like powder which can be used to make other pastas, like rigatoni, macaroni, or others. Wet spaghetti can be squeezed into a ball in your hands and when dried it makes a pretty good paperweight.

Despite its transformative properties, most people just eat it as spaghetti. I recently went to an Italian restaurant to ask the customers what it is they liked so much about spaghetti. Unfortunately I couldn’t get past the maître d because I didn’t have a reservation.

I tried standing outside and mouthing my questions to customers through the window, but people kept turning away.

Given how cheap spaghetti is, it’s not so surprising people eat it. Price is a big factor in people’s diets. That’s how places like McDonald’s and Burger King survive. They make food so cheap that people are willing to forgive the flavor. If either of them started selling spaghetti they could really clean up!

But they’d also have a lot of messes to clean up because spaghetti is really easy to spill. Did you know that 36% of spilled meals are spaghetti? And that’s just in America. It’s probably a much higher percentage in Italy.

As much as I don’t care for spaghetti, I still eat it a lot because years ago I inherited a bunch from a cousin who passed away. He was a spaghetti collector. Some say hoarder but I say collector. It sounds less tragic that way, and I don’t want his life’s work to go to waste.

BEST FEATURE: It gives you an exaggerated sense of your own strength when you break a handful in half.
WORST FEATURE: It’s impossible to break in half a handful of wet spaghetti.

Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing an alligator.

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