Ted Wilson Reviews the World: Black Friday

★★★★☆ (4 out of 5)

Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of the world. Today I am reviewing Black Friday.

The best day to Save Big is the day after Thanksgiving, when retail outlets offer large discounts on a variety of objects that people only want if the objects have been discounted. If you are a recluse and you want the discounts but don’t want the crowds, this is possibly the worst time to go shopping.

Everyone who attends a Black Friday sale does so with the implicit understanding that they may be trampled to death. I like to drive around town, attending as many Black Friday events as possible — not to buy anything, but to contend with the crowds as a way to sharpen my senses and get some exercise.

I yell out things like “That’s mine!” and “Oh no you don’t!” while pretending to want something. The truth is, I don’t want anything. At least not anything that can be bought in a store. Not unless there’s a store that sells my wife coming back to life. There isn’t, I checked.

If you’re someone who wants to end up on the news, Black Friday events are a good place to do that. News cameras are always hovering around and will pay the most attention to whoever is clamoring for the most attention in the most extreme ways possible. I prefer to not draw attention to myself, so I wear all beige. It’s the most unremarkable color.

One of the unspoken benefits to Black Friday is all the physical touching involved. If you’re someone who craves human touch and rarely receives any, Black Friday can be a godsend. It’s a very intimate experience where a stranger’s butt can brush your hand, or a stranger’s hand can run its fingers across your lips while trying to pull your head out of the way. I suspect about 20% of attendees are there just to be touched.

But Black Friday isn’t just about shoving people out of your way to see who can spend their money first. Most people come away from Black Friday without any injuries at all. For them it’s a day about coming home with a bunch of stuff they bought and saying “Look at all the stuff I bought!” to whoever will listen. The aforementioned recluses come home and don’t say anything because all they’ve got is themselves.

BEST FEATURE: If you’re ethically flexible, it’s super easy to pickpocket people even if you’re just a beginner.
WORST FEATURE: Finding blood on the sole of your shoe at an event where someone dies, and not knowing what your involvement may have been because everything was just a blur.

Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing gasoline.