TED WILSON REVIEWS THE WORLD: DONALD TRUMP

★★★☆☆

Hello and welcome to my week-by-week review of the world. Today I am reviewing Donald Trump.

You probably know Donald Trump as the world’s most successful billionaire. Not only does he have a lot of money and a pretty wife, he also has a sports car and his own TV show. I don’t have even one of those things. (I did have a pretty wife once.) Fans of Donald’s TV show were probably very excited to learn last week that he is also now a Presidential candidate!

I’m sure it’s a nervous time for Donald. Sure, he may seem confident on the outside, but on the inside he must be wondering about his future. If not elected President, it would be his first failure in life. For the sake of his self-esteem, I hope he wins. There’s a good chance he will, too, because not only does he have a lot of loyal fans, but historically, voters seem to favor white males, and Donald scores very high as one of those.

However, it’s unlikely he will win the dyslexia vote, as many people’s brains could mistakenly rearrange Donald’s name into any of the following unfortunate anagrams.

Dump Lardton
Dr. Tampon Lud
Old Damprunt
Don Tardlump
Mr. Adultpond
Mold Runtpad
Turdmop Land
Rump and Dolt

None of those are people I would vote for. It’s not too late for Donald to legally change his name to something more likable such as Andy Sugarplum or Billy Prizecake. If he wanted to really inspire confidence in voters, changing his name to Mr. President would likely garner many votes.

A lot of people make fun of Donald’s hair. I think it’s mean to make fun of someone because of their physical appearance. Some of us have bad hair days but Donald is the victim of several bad hair decades. Even with all his money, he can’t afford to get plastic surgery on his hair follicles because there is no such procedure. I asked my doctor. And yes, Donald could invest in a hat collection, but he shouldn’t have to deny who he is. I like that he stands proud, uninhibited by traits most people regard as flaws. In this new world, where a white woman can have the courage to pretend to be black, America could have its most courageous President in Donald Trump — a man who refuses to be change for anyone, because for himself, he’s perfect.

BEST FEATURE: His eyes. People get distracted by everything else happening on his head so they often overlook his beautiful eyes.
WORST FEATURE: Too many bodyguards. I’d love to get close enough to make friends but it’s not physically possible.

Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing sunlight.