Ted Wilson Reviews the World: Butter

★★★★★ (5 out of 5)

Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of the world. Today I am reviewing butter.

It surprised me to learn butter is made from milk, due to the contrast between milk’s grossness and butter’s deliciousness.

To make butter, first, a farmer has to squeeze a cow’s breast until milk shoots out and into a bucket. Then that farmer puts it into a butter churn and churns it about until it becomes butter. A simpler solution would be to go to the supermarket and just buy some butter. Then the farmer wouldn’t have to get up so early.

A lot of people will tell you to limit your butter consumption because it contains large quantities of fat, which can lead to health complications. Those are people who care more about rules than flavor. I am not such a person. I believe in breaking the rules even if that means risking heart failure. Some of the world’s most famous people have died of heart failure.

Anti-flavor opportunists created a butter substitute called I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter. Only I can believe it’s not butter because it says so right on the package. They may as well have called it This Isn’t Butter But We Think You’re too Dumb to Tell Even Though We Just Said It’s Not Butter.

Then there’s something called margarine but honestly I have no idea what that is.

I love butter so much I will sometimes eat a stick of butter all by itself. If it’s hot out, I’ll drink the stick of butter. Butter goes with any food, from salad to steak. I dare you to put butter on something and not like it — even non-edible things. Sandpaper won’t feel good if you lick it, but put some butter on and it will at least taste good.

I guess what I’m saying is sometimes I’ll fill my bath with melted butter and bathe in it. And I know this is not a common practice but I feel like I shouldn’t be ashamed for being who I am. And no, I do not derive any sexual pleasure from a butterbath. But if I did, that would be fine though. We’re all just people on this crazy planet and as long as no one is getting hurt, so what? That’s what I told my plumber when he had to unclog my drain which had become filled with congealed butter. Turned out to be a pretty expensive fix. Next time I want to take a butter bath I’ll do it at a hotel.

BEST FEATURE: It floats.
WORST FEATURE: They confiscate it at the airport even if you have a note from your doctor explaining it’s for a medical condition.

Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing smallpox.