Ted Wilson Reviews the World: Ice Cream Headaches

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Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of the world. Today I am reviewing ice cream headaches.

Roughly ten times a day I will randomly spin around as fast as I can to see if anyone is looking at me. About three out of ten times someone is. All that spinning makes me dizzy and gives me a headache, but not nearly as big of a headache as when I eat ice cream too quickly.

If you’ve ever been so consumed by the thought of consuming ice cream that when you get it you just can’t stop, you’ve probably had to stop because of the debilitating pain. This is the result of what I believe are ice crystals forming between your brain cells, and your brain begging for relief.

The first recorded ice cream headache occurred about five minutes after ice cream was invented. Yet still to this day, with centuries of ice cream headaches to learn from, people still can’t help themselves.

I’m not going to say that people who get ice cream headaches kill themselves, but I’m also not going to say they don’t. I’ll let you look at the statistics and decide for yourself: 100% of people who have committed suicide have also at some point in their life had an ice cream headache. Think about it.

There are a few methods for how to deal with an ice cream headache.

  1. The most obvious is to distract yourself from the pain by creating an even greater pain, such as punching yourself in the face or slipping your fingers in between the steps of a moving escalator.
  2. Some people enjoy pain and find it arousing. Perhaps you can learn to be one of these people. Your ice cream headache might turn into an ice cream orgasm.
  3. Personally I prefer to scream at the top of my lungs to drown out the pain for even just a split second.

If you‘re ever walking past someone with an ice cream headache, and they fall to the ground and grab your ankles begging for you to kill them, don’t say no right away.

BEST FEATURE: Once the headache ends there’s a bunch more ice cream waiting to be eaten!
WORST FEATURE: Sometimes the headaches get so bad they make my eyes bleed. I don’t mind, but it can really scare strangers.

Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing Vladimir Putin.

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