Ted Wilson Reviews the World: Noma

★★★★☆ (4 out of 5)

Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of the world. Today I am reviewing Noma.

The city of Copenhagen is home to Noma, one of the world’s fanciest restaurants. Don’t get confused by the sign outside which looks a lot like it says “’Nomo,” and then walk right past the place like I did. I ended up wandering around the neighborhood for a couple of hours, and got so hungry I had to stop and eat dinner somewhere else beforehand.

Upon entering Noma, the entire staff was waiting to greet me, like a surprise birthday party but without any cake or balloons. Or presents. Sad, because it was actually my birthday. Frankly, I was a little creeped out to know that they had been watching me from afar and knew when I would walk in. What if I had picked my nose while they were watching me? Not that I ever do that.

Despite being fancy, there is no need to dress up at Noma. One customer was wearing salmon colored shorts with a wrinkled button down shirt, as if he had just woken up on a yacht. He made me feel out of place in my tuxedo.

The food at Noma is some of the most delicious and complex I’ve ever tasted. Much better than anything I could make at home, unless I lived in the Noma kitchen. I asked and they said no, but were extremely polite about it. Everyone was so warm and accommodating — like how your family would treat you if they found out you had a terminal illness but you didn’t know it yet.

The whole experience was unparalleled, but I couldn’t help get a little melancholy. Each plate was a serving of death. Dead plants and dead animals. Dead stillborn babies (fruits). Plate after plate of delicious, thoughtful, carefully crafted death. It reminded me that one day I’ll end up on a plate being served to Earth as she swallows me up. I ran to the bathroom so I could cry.

When I finally left I noticed a newly built footbridge just outside that crosses the river. I only wish I had spotted it sooner because then I wouldn’t have started undressing in preparation for my swim. A woman and her son spotted me wearing nothing more than my underwear and a cummerbund. It was hard to explain.

BEST FEATURE: One of the chefs named Rene told me he liked my smile.
WORST FEATURE: Some of the celebrities I saw were Wolf Blitzer and Judd Hirsch, neither of whom I care for.

Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing Miracle-Gro.