Ted Wilson Reviews the World: Sprinkles

★★★★★ (5 out of 5)

Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of the world. Today I am reviewing sprinkles.

Not to be confused with sparkles, sprinkles are tiny, colored, flavorless cylinders made out of I think chocolate, or maybe just cardboard. I mistakenly asked the Walgreens employee for sparkles and she directed me to the arts and crafts section. I had glitter stuck in my teeth for a week. I should have brushed my teeth.

Sprinkles can take an ordinary cupcake and turn it into a cupcake that looks like a rainbow shattered and fell all over it, and then the leprechaun at the end of that rainbow hid inside the cupcake and the only way to get him is to eat it.

There are many ways to adorn your cupcake with sprinkles. Sprinkling them on is the most traditional way but I prefer to individually insert each sprinkle so it looks like my cupcake has hair — like it’s a little creature that I’m about to devour. I always enjoy eating things more when it feels like I’ve conquered them. That’s why I never allow myself to be spoon fed. It’s boring.

It’s not just cupcakes that can benefit from the addition of sprinkles. Try sprinkling some onto your meatloaf, spaghetti, or soup. It’s a great way to make your dinner special if it’s your anniversary and all you know how to make is soup. Your significant other will be like, “Soup again?!” Then when you pull some sprinkles out of your pocket and throw them onto the soup your significant other will shut up and eat the soup.

Or if you’re out of food altogether, sprinkle the sprinkles all over your tongue and watch what happens in the mirror. There’s an 80% chance you’ll eat them and I’m not even a psychic. I dare you to not eat sprinkles after you put them in your mouth.

What’s most amazing is that sprinkles never go stale. I bought a used van that ended up having 20 cases of sprinkles in it back in 1963 and I’m still eating them. I wish I knew the science behind the long shelf life of sprinkles and wish it could be applied to other foods. I found a sandwich in my luggage and it had definitely gone bad. I may as well have just thrown away that $8.99 at the airport vending machine.

It sounds silly to think that sprinkles may be the key to unlocking food shortages around the world, but the evidence speaks for itself. If anyone reading this is a scientist and needs some sprinkles to study, I’m more than happy to donate some of mine.

BEST FEATURE: If it’s warm enough, sprinkles can be melted together into a sprinkle ball that can be eaten like an apple.
WORST FEATURE: If you get too close to the sprinkles, their cylindrical shape makes them look like logs, which can be overwhelming if you think you have to eat a bunch of logs.

Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing Metallica.