TED WILSON REVIEWS THE WORLD: THE LOLLIPOP I BOUGHT

★★★☆☆

Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of the world. Today I am reviewing the lollipop I bought.

The good thing about lollipops is you can leave one mid-lick and come back to it days later. It’s a lot harder to do with an M&M for instance. Once it starts to melt in your mouth you can’t take it out to save for a better time. Not unless that better time is two seconds after you take it out of your mouth.

It’s this strength of the lollipop that is also a weakness, because it’s almost impossible to tell if someone took a few licks of your lollipop while you weren’t licking it. Sure, you could get a DNA test, but who has time for that? I do.

When I unwrapped a recently purchased lollipop, I had the distinct sense that it had been licked already. Some people will buy things, use them, then return them. I could easily picture some wiseguy buying a case of lollipops, licking each one a few times — essentially getting the equivalent experience of a full lollipop — and then returning them all.

I worried that had happened to me, so I mailed the lollipop to a DNA testing facility who could either quell or confirm my fears for a small fee. In a few weeks, when they mail the test results and my lollipop back, I’ll know whether I can safely continue licking it.

Aside from my doubts about the possibly used nature of the lollipop, it was an otherwise good experience. It was on sale for 39 cents. Not a lot of things cost 39 cents these days. For that price you could only manufacture about 23 pennies. So all in all, 39 cents for a lollipop, licked or otherwise, is a pretty good deal. Especially when you consider that when you’re done with it, you can turn it into a Q-tip by adding some pocket lint to the ends. I’ve done that and can vouch for its effectiveness.

When I was younger I didn’t like to waste things so I always ate the lollipop stick. All kids my age did. That’s what happens when you grow up during a war. I’ve probably eaten several hundred lollipop sticks in my lifetime. They’re not that nutritious but still perfectly digestible.

BEST FEATURE: Kids who see you with candy will be very envious. It’s kind of an ego trip.
WORST FEATURE: There’s a piece of gum in the middle of the lollipop but I’ve never been a fan of fusion foods.

Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing Todd.