TED WILSON REVIEWS THE WORLD: VAPING

Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing vaping.

The new thing that everybody is talking about that isn’t called cupcakes is called vaping. It’s when smoking is done using electronic cigarettes instead of boring old paper ones. What is an electronic cigarette, you ask? It’s the future of cigarettes. Picture a regular cigarette but made of metal, and it gets the internet. Objects that get the internet are becoming commonplace. I saw a thermostat that gets the internet — I guess so you can send your friends messages to tell them whether they should bring a sweater when visiting. When I was a kid, hosts would provide the sweaters.

Personally, I’ve never been a fan of smoking. It’s smelly and bad for you and a very expensive habit. Some people really enjoy it though. So much so that they smoke an entire pack a day. That’s like me with raisins! But I don’t smoke raisins, I eat them.

Anyway, electronic cigarettes are making smoking cool again. Only the elite can afford such high-end smoking devices, and boy do people who vape look classy! Poor people are still stuck using things like pipes or just putting a lit pile of tobacco in their hands and leaning over it.

For evidence of how cool vaping is, look at this rendering of Cary Grant with a traditional cigarette versus with an electronic one.

I didn’t think Cary Grant could be cooler, but there you have it.

However, there are some real downsides to vaping. For one, you can’t put your electronic cigarette out in someone’s face if you get angry at them. More importantly, metal things rust, and electronic cigarettes are wet all the time from being sucked on. Now instead of cigarette butts on the street, we’re going to have rusty metal lying around and anyone who hasn’t had their tetanus shot is going to be in real trouble.

And even though I’m not a smoker, I’m going to be sad to see The Marlboro Man become a robot, because robot cowboys remind me of Yul Brynner in Westworld and he was scary.

BEST FEATURE: Exciting flavors beyond tobacco, such as rose, steak, and watermelon!
WORST FEATURE: Everyone will want to try your electronic cigarette and you won’t get enough to yourself.

Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.