There are two ways people handle not being able to sleep––lie in bed staring up at your dark ceiling in an attempt to Pavlov your body into unconsciousness, or accept your fate and scroll through your phone in the hopes that its light will burn out your retinas. Maybe that second one’s just me. But we’ve all had our fair share of sleepless nights. This list ranges from the day-to-day experience of insomnia to imagined countries where no one can sleep, and from garden-variety sleeplessness to the world of dreams or sleep walking. Will these books cure you of insomnia? No. But they will distract you from something even worse: late night existential dread.
More than a third of all adults experience insomnia and the number rises in those over sixty-five. Marina Benjamin writes on her personal experience with the condition and adds new dimensions to both our understanding of sleep, the night, and how we perceive darkness. In her usage of literature, art, philosophy, psychology, pop culture, and more, Benjamin pays close attention in her musings to the relationship between women and sleep detailed throughout history.
Russell’s novella imagines a near future where hundreds of thousands of Americans have lost the ability to sleep. Trish Edgewater recruits for the non-profit Slumber Corp, which connects sleep donors to the needy afflicted. However, the discovery of the first universal donor, Baby A, lands Trish in a moral dilemma as the disease takes a terrifying turn and she discovers the secrets her employers have been keeping.
In another novel about the sleepless apocalypse, our narrator Biggs has just lost his wife Carolyn to an insomnia that is wreaking havoc across the nation. Sleep has become a precious commodity in this world. The telltale signs of red-rimmed eyes, slurred speech, and a clouded mind have yet to manifest in Biggs so he while he can still sleep and dream he sets out to find Carolyn–encountering others fighting against sleeplessness along the way.
Insomniac musicologist Franz Ritter takes to his sickbed and spends the entire night moving between dreams and memories, revisiting the span of his long life. At the heart of all these memories of his life-long fascination with the Middle East and the thinkers he admires is his elusive, unrequited love, Sarah, a fiercely intelligent French scholar.
Nineteen-year-old Mari is reading in a Denny’s when she meets a young man who insists he knows her older sister–who has fallen into a deep sleep for the past few months–thus setting her on a late night odyssey through Tokyo. In the space of a single night, the lives of a diverse cast of Tokyo residents—hotel owners, prostitutes, mobsters, and musicians—collide in a world suspended between the surreal and the mundane.
In an isolated Southern California college town, a freshman falls asleep in her dorm room and doesn’t wake up. Mei, her roommate, can’t rouse her, or the paramedics that carry her away, or even the doctors at the hospital. Then a second girl falls asleep, and then another, until a quarantine is announced. The National Guard is contacted, classes are canceled, and stores run out of supplies. Why won’t the affected wake up, and what are they dreaming of?
A fourteen-year-old boy named Niannian watches as one fateful night the residents of his small town deep in the mountains of Balou don’t go to sleep. They sleepwalk instead, at first carrying out their usual day-to-day activities like tilling fields and roaming the streets, before devolving into their baser impulses and growing increasingly violent. Niannian and his father work throughout the night to try to help their neighbors.
Tommy Pico’s Feed, the fourth collection in his tetralogy, explores loneliness and growth. Pico interrogates ideas of life and death—what it means to live a full life, what it means to know your life could be shorter than others’. He plays with form and structure, asking the reader to reconsider these themes with each tracklist, each conversation at the High Line in Brooklyn, each text-like word. He recalls and recreates memories, hoping the speaker and readers will find their own answers about life.
Pico, also known as Teebs, moved from the Viejas Indian reservation of the Kumeyaay nation to attend Sarah Lawrence College as a pre-med student. Now based in Brooklyn and Los Angeles, Pico has written four books IRL, Nature Poem, Junk, and Feed. He co-curates the reading series Poets with Attitude, the podcasts Food 4 Thot and Scream, Queen!, and is a contributing editor at Literary Hub.
I talked to Tommy Pico about how we’re all hungry for something, making mixtapes, and always needing a place to return.
Arriel Vinson: Tell me about the title of this collection. It’s called Feed, but there is so much lacking for the speaker—love, the idea of life, access, etc.—rather than a fullness.
Tommy Pico: It’s not about arriving at a fullness, it’s about understanding what it is that ultimately nurtures you. I think the speaker is on kind of an endless search to process and refine what that is: is it poetry? Is it friendship? Is it song? And maybe some things that were adequate nutrients in the past don’t work anymore. Some things you loved, you can’t really digest anymore. Today, especially, with the endless feed of the internet? Sometimes you need to restrict some streams of intake. Sometimes you need to log off.
AV: There’s a line in the beginning of Feed that says “the reason why we don’t have the conversation is because we’re afraid we already know the answer.” Even though this is about a current conversation between the speaker and someone else, the quote feels like a theme in this book. Can you say more about how this idea works throughout the piece/the life of the speaker?
Some things that were adequate nutrients in the past don’t work anymore.
TP: This is part of the process that I think the main dude is going through. I wanted to point to places in the poem where the person is given the opportunity to change and takes it up. This whole series of books started with IRL, a book that stacks evidence after evidence that the main character should change, the main character clocks all this growth, and then ultimately decides to choose pursuing dudes rather than art. He’s given the opportunity to change and doesn’t. I think Feed is that person choosing something new. There’s a different moment in the poem, later on in their lives, where Leo doesn’t let our hero off the hook, and he has to have an honest, real time admission of feeling—rather than not having the conversation, “because we’re afraid we already know the answer.” Instead of creating conflict by avoiding conflict, they resolve conflict by confronting it.
AV: Feed uses both song titles and lyrics to explain the speaker’s feelings. We move from Beyoncé to Salt-n-Pepa to Drake. Why does music speak in this collection, and what does that do?
TP: I just miss making mix tapes for people, lol. I wanted to make one for the reader but also for Teebs and for the book and for writing in general and I think what might be my last foray into poetry. It’s been a hell of a time, but I don’t know that I have anything left to say in poems. And let’s be honest, songs are so much better than poems tbqmfh.
AV: The form/language in Feed is also its own. There is text language, line breaks in some parts, paragraphs in others. Tell me more about not sticking to one form and how that decision was made.
TP: I was commissioned to make a soundscape for the High Line park in New York in 2018, for the launch of their Spring ephemeral garden. The idea is that you would listen to it as you wandered the grounds. It came at the same time Vignettes Gallery and Gramma Press in Seattle commissioned me to make a soundscape about the difference between loneliness and being alone, that you would listen to while walking around Seattle. Both commissions came on the heel of a self-imposed curriculum where I could only listen to food podcasts, watch food movies and tv shows, read food books, could only eat things I cooked, and made myself cook with friends in their kitchens twice a week. When I braided those in the summer of 2018 to create the body of this work, I wanted to approximate a walk through the High Line, a walk through memory, a travelogue, that had the juxtaposed feel of the microclimates of plant life in the High Line. It’s curated to recall wilderness & wildness.
AV: Feed raises a lot of questions about love and loneliness, whether that be between romantic or familial relationships. The speaker is trying to define loneliness, but also figure out why we’re alone. Why was this a theme you wanted to explore?
With the endless feed of the internet, sometimes you need to restrict some streams of intake. Sometimes you need to log off.
TP: In my personal life, I had basically just spent three years on book tours, finding that performing on the road could actually pay my rent. There was so much freedom in that! I had spent the previous 10 years only knowing at most a two mile radius in New York. I made friends, real ride or dies, in places like Baltimore, Philly, Seattle, San Francisco, Providence, Portland, Chicago, St Louis, etc etc etc. while on the road, reaching more and more people, but I missed the homies. The grind was constant and I found myself in hotel bathtubs—the height of luxury in my mind—wishing that my friends could be with me.
I was also reading a lot about these projects to try and find extraterrestrial civilizations on exo-planets, how pointless that seemed to me, how much like dating that seemed to me, and I just thought: what if life is actually super rare? What if multicellular life is actually super rare? What if “civilization” is actually the rarest resource in the galaxy? What if we’re all that there is? Would that make you feel like life is even more precious, or would that make you nihilistic?
AV: This collection also deals with the idea of loss and life. In one section, the speaker says “I would love to imagine being alive in five years but I have these bones u know?” right after talking about a cousin’s death. Why is life a privilege in this collection?
Forming your worldview around death makes growing any older seem audacious.
TP: It’s literally in the text. The average age of death on my reservation is 40.7 years old. I’m 35. Even though I don’t live there anymore, I still get the texts from my mom on her way to funerals and anniversary masses and graveyard cleanings. Forming your childhood and your adolescence and your worldview around death makes growing any older seem audacious. I don’t have time to spare! I don’t have years to toss things in an editing drawer! These shits have to happen now!
AV: Throughout Feed, the speaker wrestles with memories — of the mother recognizing her aging, of the father being drunk one night, etc. How did memory shape the way you wrote Feed?
TP: Memory isn’t necessarily the past. Memory is a craft, like writing. I think it can be a jumping-off point for starting to imagine writing a poem or a book or whatever because what you remember has a resonance. There’s something particularly loud about it. If you investigate that, I think you can probably connect the theme of that memory to something you’re interested in exploring in your writing.
AV: Feed is very concerned with place as well. The speaker wonders if we’re the only outpost of life in this large world, but we are also asked to think about Indian territories being taken/destroyed. How is setting significant in Feed, and what did you want the readers to take away from it?
TP: I think the person is very concerned about grounding, about finding his footing as he’s consistently traveling and going on dates with exoplanets in far flung galaxies. Having a topography to come back to, whether that’s familial or platonic or terrestrial, was something I wanted to keep referencing. I think by the end he realizes he makes home wherever he goes. As for the reader, I want them to keep reading lol.
AV: What are you working on now? TP: I’m working on one film in particular and a few other screenplays in general and getting ready for another book tour and two podcasts (Food 4 Thot and Scream, Queen!) and maybe making out with someone in a movie theater that gives us double gin & tonics and a tater tots + queso.
I’ve encountered a lot of artificial intelligences, both the ones I’ve trained for my blog AI Weirdness, and the ones I’ve written about for my book on artificial intelligence, You Look Like a Thing and I Love You: How AI Works and Why it’s Making the World a Weirder Place. I focus on the machine learning algorithms that exist today, the ones that sort spam, tag photos, and drive cars. We call them AI, but they’re as different from the AI of science fiction as a toaster is from a person.
In the book, I spend a lot of time explaining why today’s AIs, with their tiny worm brains, don’t understand their tasks or the human world. They won’t be taking over from people, but they also won’t be saving us by questioning bad orders.
In science fiction, though, anything can happen. I’ve been working on my book for two years, and just in that time, a wealth of new science fiction stories have used AI to examine life and humanity. I’d like to step into the world of fiction and talk about some of these stories.
When I mention that this novel includes an AI named Black Swan that generates band names, paint colors, weird recipes, and terrible poetry, readers of my AI Weirdness blog posts about band names, paint colors, weird recipes, and terrible poetry will understand why I was excited about this story. The book is epic in every sense of the word (including being about 1000 pages long), with room in it for every terrible thing you could possibly imagine happening during an apocalypse. But it also has moments of humor and tenderness, and I’m tickled that a goofy AI is part of it.
Murderbot is one of my favorite narrators ever, with its snarky self-awareness and totally relatable social anxiety. (Breq, from Ann Leckie’s Ancillary Justice series is another, published too early for my list, but among excellent company on this list by Tansy Rayner Roberts and Rivqa Rafael.) Among the many great things about the Murderbot books is a keen awareness of what it means to have a mind and body that are owned by a corporation and designed for its purposes. Murderbot is aware of the flaws in its original corporate design and is able to do something about it; today’s AI, often designed in ways that are less than competent, or which prioritize corporate profits over their users’ interests, doesn’t have the ability to fix these problems.
As its title indicates, this novel digs deep into questions of autonomy and personhood. In this future vision of North America, the ability to own and hack sentient AI has lead neatly to the ability to own and hack sentient humans. Any future that has human-level AI intelligence will have to deal with these issues head-on, and Autonomous makes them vividly, warningly real in the parallel struggles of enslaved human and AI protagonists.
Second in the same universe as Tchaikovsky’s award-winning Children of Time, Children of Ruin has minds running on all kinds of strange hardware, artificial, biological, and even somewhere in between. It would be spoiling the surprise to reveal the natures of the minds that encounter and try to understand one another; only know that their differences are delightful and their similarities crucial, even as they push the definitions of mortality in their various ways.
“On the Life Cycle of Software Objects” in Exhalation by Ted Chiang
Speaking of mortality! I move now to a short story, published in Ted Chiang’s astonishing collection Exhalation, which asks tough questions about life and mortality, and our responsibilities toward the lifeforms we create. Just recently an update to one of the most common machine learning toolkits, Tensorflow, made a bunch of algorithms suddenly out-of-date, unable to run on modern systems unless someone goes to the trouble to update them. Ted Chiang’s story vividly anticipates this, asking what will happen to virtual lifeforms as their codebase inevitably ages. It’s a realistic look at what would happen if we did make artificial general intelligences, as opposed to the highly-specialized narrow AIs we have today, and a strong argument against doing so.
A pair of short stories in N. K. Jemisin’s collection How Long Till Black Future Month? looks at possible futures for artificial intelligences that have emerged on their own, and their complex relationships with the human world. Essential are compassion and coexistence, yet humans generally don’t make this easy. The AIs in “Trojan Girl” hide from the human world—in a nod to the pervasive problem of algorithmic bias, the earliest and least creative of these hide behind Caucasian avatars, “a human minority who for some reason comprised the majority of images available for sampling in the Amorph.” The AIs in “Valedictorian” are also separated from humanity—but has humanity walled them out, or walled themselves in? If generally-intelligent AI did someday emerge, would we be able and willing to recognize it?
The theme of recognizing personhood also runs through Nicky Drayden’s novel Prey of the Gods, in which a future South Africa must come to terms with various forms of divinity and magic that thread through the history of the land and its people. At the same time that humans and gods are figuring each other out, sentience is spreading like a virus through their personal assistant bots. Most of the humans don’t realize this, treating their bots like inanimate things. We see some of the same issues today. With today’s AI unable to handle many of the tasks we most desperately want it to do, like voicemail transcription or customer service chats, many companies are turning to a hybrid approach that sometimes substitutes in remote human workers when the AIs falter. Of course, these remote workers sometimes end up being treated poorly by customers who don’t know they’re human, echoing the plight of the bots in Prey of the Gods.
Many stories of clockwork creatures are really stories of AI. This vivid, warmhearted story is set in an alternate version of 1940s Europe where a persecuted man builds his daughter an artificial grandmother to replace the Bubbe who has died. What was first a resented replacement becomes a vital comfort, as the family flees house and homeland. It’s a story of adaptation to new circumstances and new modes of being, and echoes the theme of many of these recent AI stories, of seeking humanity in others.
The last AI story in this list is actually a collection of poetry. While other stories explore AI minds, Love, Robot focuses lavishly on hardware. With its clockwork and circuitry, its wires and its servo motors, the feel is very retro. The poems deal with the beginning, middle, and end of relationships – the feel is tender and quirky, with the NSFW section particularly so.
Personhood, autonomy, weirdness, and human rights—even if the AIs of science fiction are worlds ahead of the AI of today, they are still entirely relevant to the ways we use these technologies. In a world where screens and oceans can separate us from the people we’re interacting with, or where impersonal algorithms can be used to hide biased decisions behind veneers of plausible deniability, science fiction holds important lessons in recognizing the humanity of the people whose lives we touch.
In the middle of Carmen Maria Machado’s new memoir In the Dream House, CARMEN, stylized in all caps like a play script, sits across from the woman with whom she’s been in an abusive relationship (THE WOMAN IN THE DREAM HOUSE). The scene is set (“the curtain rises”) and we’re shown, “the house inhales, exhales, inhales again.”
This moment, setting the tone in its quiet terror, is an example of what makes Machado’s memoir so extraordinary. The construction and style of playwriting is the perfect way to show what is so hard to describe: that trauma objectifies us in the strangest ways, that we can feel like figures moved around on stage by something unseen. This othering works because that’s how memory works; we look back in time to see ourselves talking and acting but we’re powerless to stop it. And there, at the end of this scene, we have the Dream House, which breathes and terrifies and haunts throughout the memoir. This small scene is one glimpse into how In the Dream House is not only a memoir but a masterclass in what genre can do.
Genre is Machado’s sandbox; her short story collection, Her Body and Other Parties, troubles genre as often as it indulges in it, cherry picking from science fiction, horror and apocalyptic fiction. Dream House takes this to a delightful extreme. It picks up tropes, motifs and imagery and mixes and matches with joy. We see the dream house as soap opera, folk tale, self-help book and, running throughout always, the gothic. In Dream House, with its doppelgängers, hauntings and descents into trauma, Machado shows us that there is nothing more gothic than our own memory.
Surely, no genre is more ripe for gothicizing than the memoir. To write about yourself is to double yourself, and looking back at your own life with present-you eyes is definitely uncanny. The point in a memoir at which we confront the worst parts of our memory is the ultimate descent: into trauma, into the bottom floors of our minds, into madness. These are all characteristics of gothic literature, the joys found in reading The Castle of Otranto, the fear waiting for us in Jane Eyre’s red room.And yet, for whatever reason, most memoirs not only ignore but resist the innate gothicness of memory; instead, they provide an artificially neat story, with no significant hauntings. Machado has the guts and the chops to embrace the fundamental eeriness of her project, and thus invent something new. It’s a retelling of an experience that feels at once uncanny and uncomfortably familiar to the reader. All of the ways in which memoir has the potential to be unsettling are heightened by the use of gothic standbys. And in memoir, the gothic can take new forms in ways that reinvent a centuries-old genre.
No genre is more ripe for gothicizing than memoir.
In the classic gothic novel, a woman descends within a house, usually down stairs—away from the light, into the unknown. Memory sometimes works this way in a memoir, with the author delving further back into her past (although it’s more common to start all the way at the bottom of memory, as it were, and then ascend). But Machado also gestures toward descent in other, surprising ways. Footnotes draw us to the bottom of the pages as we read, directing us to an encyclopedia of folk motifs. “Choose Your Own Adventure” moments give us the allusion that we can control something that’s already happened even though it will remain unchanged. “Go to page ____ if you _____,” as if memory offered any possibility, as if we can change what’s already been done to us.
Doppelgängers abound in Dream House, too. This is where the possibilities of gothic memoir really shine. Machado moves through the book with different pronouns: she is “I”, “you” and “CARMEN” at various points. By moving swiftly through pronouns and disrupting point-of-view, she others herself and renders language itself uncanny. At the same time, the act of writing about yourself is its own doubling. Machado is our unreliable narrator, reminding us how tenuous the connection between memoir, storytelling and the truth of memory can be. And, to complicate further, when a book is built in a way that purposefully mimics tropes from other genres, is the book itself a doppelgänger?
And throughout the memoir, there’s the most recognizable gothic trope of all: the haunted house. The dream house itself serves as a character, as well as a place that haunts and is haunted. There is doubling here again: the dream house is at once the physical house where the abuse took place and the structure of memory we navigate while we read. Within it, you can lose your mind to the point that you feel like you are the one doing the haunting. The house transforms with every chapter: The Dream Houseas memory palace, The Dream Houseas Murder Mystery, The Dream Houseas Modern Art. A house can be so many things at once when you lived there during one of the worst times in your life. It takes new shape again and again so that we can understand it. Shapeshifting: another gothic trope.
In the gothic there is always something we know is there but can’t see until the time is right: the monster in the house.
When we picture haunted houses we imagine long corridors with doors that lead nowhere or doors that won’t open at all. A memoir can work like that, too. You navigate another person’s memory and find questions with answers that aren’t easy and questions with answers that don’t exist. This is one reason memoir, though rarely explicitly gothic, always has an element of the gothic to it. In the gothic there is always something to be found, something we know is there but can’t see until the time is right: the monster in the house. Often, we think of writing memoir as a cathartic way to face deep traumas and truths within ourselves; but the craft of writing memoir also offers the unique opportunity to choose where those dead ends and closed doors are placed, and what we discover behind them. The memoirist gets to both build the house and haunt it.
In Dream House, the house is inhabited by two people in love—past Carmen, the one Machado calls “you,” and the unnamed woman—but it’s also haunted by their pain. Like most ghosts, this relationship is at once absence and presence, then and now: lovers in a house, but cohabitating with something darker. To marry the gothic and the memoir is the perfect way to illustrate the harsh realities of abuse, because abuse rarely feels linear; in an abusive relationship, a source of comfort becomes strange and unfamiliar, a secret monster. By moving in and out of time and manipulating tropes, Machado creates an uncanny and unsettling portrait of how a once loving and exciting relationship can decay and self-destruct. Every ghost has a before-and-after: what they were and what they’ve become. Reading Dream House, you witness the optimism of a new relationship turn into something awful. What should be a place of safety becomes a site of anguish and hysteria. The spectre of abuse, the pain and shame of it, lurks around every corner in Dream House.
Machado cites studies of abuse between queer women, using objective research along with the gut-punch of her own experience. Machado’s memoir introduces The Queer House to the genre when she shows us the house she shared with “the woman.” It’s a house with closed doors, that presents itself as benign to outsiders but is filled with horror: this is the house of abuse. About halfway through the memoir, light is shone on something that we don’t talk about within the queer community, something we rarely look at directly—if the house is queerness, then queer abuse is our monster in the house.
No one’s experience with abuse is the same, just as each queer couple’s dynamics differ from others’. But In the Dream House exists as an unsettling, spiraling account of queer abuse as it happened to one woman, in one house, in this way. The abuse illustrated in Dream House is hard to witness, like most accounts of abuse are, but it demands acknowledgement. Much in the way that gothic literature and horror forces us to look at things we’ve long avoided in our own lives and in the world, the gothic memoir marries the toughest moments of personal and universal experience. It serves a dual purpose; it’s a very real moment in one person’s life and a crucial piece of a larger narrative, a hard look at something that’s always been around us. The abuse is there, but no one talks about it. The ghost is here, in the house with us, and confronting it is the only way to push through.
There are moments in Dream House that feel impossible to confront for Machado and, in turn, for the reader. She’s in the car with the woman from the Dream House and the woman is driving fast enough to kill them both, and the fear is heady and suffocating as you read. But you cannot look away. She’s in the Dream House and the woman is beating her fists on the bathroom door. We read, and feel the thudding within ourselves. The story feels wholly personal and internal, but also painfully, painfully universal.
In the Dream House may be the first book that could be described as a “gothic memoir,” but it also highlights all the ways in which the memoir was always already gothic. The gothic is all about ghosts (real and imagined) and just like ghost stories, memoirs are all about witnessing. In Machado’s descent into memory, we see a necessary portrait of a queer relationship rarely shown. And just as much as the relationship with “the woman” illustrates the realities of queer abuse, the memoir’s plot twist—yes, a memoir has a plot twist—reminds us of the depth of queer joy. Finishing Dream House is like walking back up the staircase, into the light.
We’ve ruined the planet, I say as I drive my daughter to piano, remembering
my sister and I fighting about who sat in the front seat
in our rusted car the color of menstrual blood where you could watch the road
through the floor, fighting for the chance to choose the music
on the tape deck, and then I see it: island of plastic bags the size of Texas
I’ve read about, but this time: 8 track players, rotary phones with blank faces,
an IBM Selectric, floppy disks each the size of a man’s open hand
about to slap a girl. That’s my childhood, I’d say, on the tour of my life,
as the girls and I drive through my past, along the Gulf,
watching chrome and bad plastic floating in too-warm waters.
Meanwhile I’m still fourteen in New Orleans and a man drives a truck
alongside, keeping pace with me, as I walk faster, truck the color of green
hospital scrubs, man calling out, over and over,
Hey, baby, do you want a ride?
Of Resist
I want to tell my daughter about the suicide pills—
when in the car, on the way home from school, she explains
seventh-grade science. She says proudly, nuclear fission,
and we both agree: it is a beautiful phrase.
She names isotopes. Uranium-238. She explains
a nuclear chain reaction and I remember my first week of college,
when students in the mailroom gave us ballots to vote:
Should the university health services stock suicide pills in case of nuclear war?
Student organizers insisted we should have the option to die.
Suicide after a nuclear war would take on a whole different context than it has in this life.
Cyanide was the poison. I imagined us, seventeen-year-olds, lining up to drink a vodka-
colored poison from a shot glass, then one by one, dropping to the ground.
A student said he would vote for the referendum “just as an idea—just to put the word
“suicide” beside “nuclear holocaust.”
I could only imagine it as a scene from Sylvia Plath’s Bell Jar, my favorite book at
thirteen. I would swallow the pills as Esther Greenwood did and secret myself
away, in a cellar or somewhere beneath the earth, where no one would find me.
*
To put the word beside: daughter death war
To put the mother back in the girl’s body
in the car in the mailroom on the college green
in the cellar
*
I used to think motherhood was the gradual extinction of self because I knew nothing
about extinction and I had a new baby and I wanted to be alone—and putting the baby
down early meant we are burying her in the dirt, we’re tumbling her small body in an
empty grave, she’s a swaddle of cotton, deep into the ground, the place she’ll go years
from now though she doesn’t know it and I can’t bear to think of her death, and although
I strive to keep the knowledge of my death from her, though she knows, she knows, and
as she gets older, she brings it up, especially at bedtime—
“You remind me so much of Toad,” my partner says one day as I’m lying on the couch, refusing to go outside.
“I remind you of a toad?” I ask, aghast.
“No, of Toad, like Frog and Toad.”
I wish for a second that I could lick my eyes, just to freak him out, just to make him watch what he says. I’m not familiar with Frog and Toad, though I know he’s referenced this children’s book before and that it probably isn’t an insult. I’m too tired to investigate further and anyway, I’d really rather get back to the comic book I’m reading. So, I settle back on the couch as he goes outside to rake leaves.
Six months later when my partner’s parents tell us they are going to play a recording of a Frog and Toad story, “Cookies,” for their gathered children and their partners, I do my best not to roll my eyes. My partner grew up on Arnold Lobel’s sweet stories about these two amphibians and the last thing I want to do is spoil that, but while he was learning about sharing and playing from an orange toad and a green frog, I was watching Showgirls. Let’s just say our parents had very different ideas of what a kid needed to be successful in the world—and very different means to bring about that success.
The second I hear about Toad’s cookies and Frog’s mechanisms for cultivating willpower, I realize three things. First, I love them so much I could weep. Second, he was right; I am just like Toad. (And not only because I love cookies.) And finally, they’re obviously a queer couple. They made me feel understood not just as a person, but as a queer person in love.
They made me feel understood not just as a person, but as a queer person in love.
The Frog and Toad stories, collected in four volumes, follow the adventures of two dandy amphibians. Within the narrative, the relationship between Frog and Toad isn’t explicitly presented as romantic and since they neither kiss nor share a household, many children (and adults, no shade) might not pick up on the romantic element. But I’m not just projecting onto these tweed-jacketed queerdos. Author Lobel came out four years after the books did, and his daughter, Adrienne Lobel, has speculated that the stories represented Lobel peeking his head out of the closet door. Though Lobel never explicitly stated that Frog and Toad are queer, it’s safe to say that had the books been created and published in a different time and place, that truth would be unquestionable.
One of the most challenging parts of being queer is not having a lot of queer couple role models around. Many queer people are born into straight households and grow up without an example of what queer love and commitment can look like. What my partner and I have found, though, is that in the pages of Lobel’s queer love story, there is a blueprint for how to live and thrive as a queer couple. The beloved characters are good role models for children in any number of ways, demonstrating positive ways of coping with anxiety, frustration, and boredom. But having discovered them as an adult, I’ve also realized that they’re the model of a queer relationship I always needed.
Toad is grumpy, short (in stature and temper), playful, and frequently contrarian. Frog is agreeable, clever, thoughtful, and rarely without a plan. Together, they care for one another, explore their world, and treat each other’s vulnerability with tender love and respect.
When Toad loses a button and makes Frog spend a whole day looking for it, only to find it back at home, he takes all the wrong buttons they found that day and sews them onto his jacket, which he then gives to Frog. Frog sends Toad a letter in the mail to cheer him up and then sits with him for days until the random snail Frog gave his letter to delivers it. Autumn arrives and Frog rushes to Toad’s house to rake up the leaves while Toad rushes to Frog’s to do the same.
Queer kids don’t often get to see this kind of simple, ordinary, yet extraordinary love between two characters who are men.
Time and again, these two hold each other’s hearts with love and joy, each trying to find ways to encourage and care for the other. And, while their tenderness and attentiveness is an example for any romantic relationship, it is all the more significant for the fact that we get to see it manifested by a queer couple living their everyday lives as a queer couple. Queer folks, and kids in particular, don’t often get to see this kind of simple, ordinary, yet extraordinary love between two characters who are men.
In that first story I ever heard, “Cookies,” our valiant heroes take up the greatest debate of modernity: How do we stop eating cookies before we finish the entire batch? Toad has made the best cookies he’s ever had and rushes to share his baking success with Frog. As the two munch, they decide they should exert some willpower to keep themselves from eating them all. First, Frog puts the cookies in a box, but Toad points out that boxes can be opened. Then, Frog puts a string around the box, but strings can be cut, so he places the box on a high shelf. But the ladder he used to put the box out of reach, Toad notes, could also be used to retrieve the box again. Finally, Frog decides that the best way to have willpower is to feed all the cookies to the hungry birds. He does. Toad is devastated. (The author wrote “sad,” but I know he was devastated because I am Toad.)
Normally, I wouldn’t be inspired by a story that seems to champion the exhausting good food/bad food divide, but Toad’s reaction changes everything. When Toad is sad about the loss of the cookies, Frog points out that they “have lots and lots of will power.” You can keep it, Toad tells him. He’s “going home to bake a cake now.”
Up until that moment, the moral of the story seems to be about self-control and gluttony, but as soon as Toad says he’s going to go bake a cake—which is, of course, a lot more food than the remaining cookies—that moral is undermined. What, then, is the point?
As with all Frog and Toad stories, there is no perfect moral—but there is always a lesson, and the lesson is not in how Frog and Toad deal with cookies but in how they navigate their differences. People are different, the story says, and if you want to make a relationship last, you have to learn how to take care of your own needs—and make space for someone else’s. This theme only reveals itself after Toad makes the decision to leave and bake a cake—and Frog doesn’t protest.
The lesson is not in how Frog and Toad deal with cookies but in how they navigate their differences.
This challenge—handling differences with love and grace—is a relatable one for me and my partner. We differ about almost everything: which way the toilet paper should face, how much money we should spend, what our sexualities mean to us, what the point of life is, what to do with our spare room, how many vases we need, how we express our genders, the list could go on forever. And sometimes, when we are hurting or tired or—let’s be real—hungry, we treat our relationship as a zero-sum game, as if one’s joy comes at the cost of the other’s pain. We fight over all those banal things, things that make us feel foolish after the fact.
But most of the time, we remember that we’re just two people in love, trying to make it work. We look for lost keys that aren’t really lost at all. We send each other funny emails and re-watch videos we’ve already seen apart so we can hear each other laugh. We sneak around to clean up the house, shoving the pile of laundry the other’s been dreading into the wash, only to find the other person washing the dishes.
No matter how many times we frustrate or hurt each other, we remind ourselves to hold one another’s heart with love, tenderness, and joy, balancing the care for one’s self with the care for another.
Frog and Toad are relationship goals, not just for my partner and me, but for all queer couples. They get that love is made up of minor moments, all the small gestures that build a lifetime together. Love is not a declaration you make and then forget, but an active process: finding joy in simple things like buttons, sending letters and waiting for their arrival together, raking up leaves for someone you love, and making a cake for yourself when your partner gives your cookies away to a bunch of birds.
This kind of love, this kind of commitment, doesn’t take anything from the individual, but allows everyone to become freer and stronger together. There are no blueprints for queer love except the ones we claim for ourselves. And though our relationship is often complicated in ways others do not understand, realizing Frog and Toad have been there for my partner and me all along has buoyed us through even the darkest of times.
Mauritians have thorough introductions at the ready when asked where we’re from. We pull out our phones, swipe to show pictures of our obscenely pretty island as well as “normal” life—our food, typical houses, vibrant towns and cities. The photos help to quell some of the questions I know will come my way: “is there just like, sand everywhere?” “do you have internet?”—never mind that we have one of the most competitive economies in Africa and a particularly fecund artistic heritage.
Glib condescension usually tails writers from Africa, from islands, from the “Global South”: there’s the notion that our literature is embryonic, of anthropological interest, since—in the case of Mauritius, say—our literary tradition, as it were, only really emerged in the last century or so. Thank the ancestors, then, for Ananda Devi, whose work will not be denied.
Devi’s talent, radical vision and prodigious work ethic has earned her a plethora of awards and cemented her place in Francophone literature. She was born in 1957, into a small but effervescent literary scene; at 15, she won a short story competition organized by Radio France Internationale, inscribing herself in a world where Mauritian literature was dominated by the name of Nobel prize-winner J.M.G. Le Clézio. Her novels, with their supra-beautiful prose and sometimes supremely violent depictions of local life (poverty, misogyny and toxic masculinity in particular), paved the way for other Mauritian writers to find homes for their work, and win serious accolades in the process; without her trailblazing efforts, English-language readers might never have heard of Nathacha Appanah, another multi-award-winning author (The Last Brother and Waiting for Tomorrow were translated into English by Geoffrey Strachan). Many Anglophones still haven’t heard of Barlen Pyamootoo, Shenaz Patel, or Carl de Souza, but they should all be names on your radar soon: Devi’s a harbinger of translated Mauritian literature, too.
Devi’s Eve Out of her Ruins, her laurel-garnered work originally published in French in 2006, was translated by Jeffrey Zuckerman and published on both sides of the Atlantic in 2016; this November sees the release of The Living Days, her latest title to be translated into English (also by Zuckerman), set in a city in turmoil: London.
Ariel Saramandi: I think you’re an extraordinary writer of cities. You’ve written of the beautiful, shattered fracas of Port Louis (Eve Out of Her Ruins, Rue La Poudriere), and in TheLiving Days you show the insidious way gentrification operates in London, glazing land with the power of money and pretty glass buildings, strangling life.
The Living Days is a novel of austerity, and I’m very interested in the way the decaying city and the body become one in your work. I’m thinking about this particular quote, here:
All that would remain of her would be the short, trampled grass she had always been. An entire city had gone over her body. An entire city had entered her body. Its weight, its matter, its texture, its place beneath a blue or gray or black sky.
Was this melding of city and body something you were conscious of, while writing the novel?
Ananda Devi: What a beautiful, poetic comment! Yes, absolutely, cities have a deep resonance for me, it’s as if they are bodies from which my stories and characters can grow and expand and feed to become part of an organic, volcanic whole. It’s perhaps not so strange, given that I was born in a tiny rural village and grew up in a quiet and rainy little town, that the turbulence, harsh sensuality and raw energy of a city like Port-Louis would fascinate me from a very young age onwards. I remember, as an adolescent, going with my father to Port-Louis and sitting in the car for hours on end, watching everything that was happening around me, taking notes, writing stories in my head and absorbing the otherness of this turmoil and glimpses of these different lives. All my senses were assailed. Several of the short-stories in Solstices, my first book, published when I was 19 years old, were directly inspired by these observations. And of course, Rue la Poudrière emerged from the city, this toxic, menacing and magnetic playground.
I did not realize at the time how much the sense of place would come to be an essential part of my writing. It just seemed to happen naturally. But by the time I wrote Indian Tango, set in New Delhi, I was more conscious of it.
That’s what brought this novel into being, after all these years: the realization that we were standing on a brink.
As for The Living Days, I had this novel in mind since I was a student in London towards the end of the 1970s, and I knew I would write it one day. But the time had to be right. I had to be able to bring together these disparate sensations and experiences: the heady freedom of student life in London, the terror of fascism, the loneliness of the old, the dance on the cusp of death… and, by the time I did write it, the sensation of a world ending. That’s what brought this novel into being, after all these years: the realization that we were standing on a brink, on the verge of toppling over, and in London, the myriad lights of consumerism were starting to shatter and disintegrate, leaving people more naked than ever. I wrote this novel in 2012, before Brexit and its madness and chaos, but this end-of-the-world feeling seems to me even more urgent now. Where in the rural setting of Pagli or Soupir, I had to delve below the surface to find the fault lines, the incipient earthquakes, the tragedy of loss, in the cities, whether Port-Louis, New Delhi, or London, I felt freer to roam, to wander, to allow my characters to be tossed by this powerful force and to shatter or to emerge stronger. There is a magic to cities, that’s for sure. I too am crazy about them…
AS: You were a student in London in the 1970s; you set this story in 2005; the novel was published in 2013. I’m interested in knowing your thoughts on The Living Days and of London today, six years after it was published, 40 years after you lived in the city, as England implodes after the Brexit vote, and—if the economists are correct—as another global recession is on its way.
AD: As I said earlier, this novel had a very long gestation period. But somehow, it seems we have come full circle, from the 1970s, when racism, the rise of far right extremism, the divide between rich and poor, and the rejection of immigrants poisoned this society, to the present time, when these same poisons are rampant. I must say that when I wrote the novel, in 2012, setting it in 2005, I had absolutely no idea that Brexit would happen! I had no idea that Trump would happen either. I was flabbergasted when both events took place.
Even as recently as that, I believed that the democratic process, and simple common sense and judgment would prevent this populist drivel from gaining ground. How wrong I was! In fact, the opposite has happened. And I believe that the rise of social media has contributed significantly to this. Although we thought that the internet had abolished frontiers and brought the world together, in actual fact the mechanism of social media has narrowed both confines and minds. You can now live virtually in a bubble where you only read and hear what you want to read and hear. There is no balance, no differing ideas, nothing to offset people’s often uninformed opinion. It’s a world of make-believe, of self-delusion and narcissism, while in other places, the machine of war and disintegration is taking its toll on entire populations.
Looking at all of this from a historical perspective, I feel we are living in a terrifying time where past horrors are being revived.
What feeds these wars, these conflicts, this disintegration? What is the economic purpose of war, if not to enrich those who manufacture all the military machinery, to give power to a few while subjugating the many? It’s a horrific vicious circle that’s throwing destitute people literally into the sea to try to swim to safety, while those who could offer them this safety, and whose governments are directly and indirectly responsible for the chaos, prefer to hide behind their prejudices and the illusion of material comfort. Looking at all of this from a historical perspective, I feel we are living in a terrifying time where past horrors are being revived.
The Brexit chaos is like watching the crew of a ship squabbling on a sinking boat without any of the other passengers being able to do anything about it. It is like an absurdist play by Ionesco and would be grotesque if it were not so tragic.
I do not believe the bubble will last long. When the illusion is dispelled, it will be too late to take action, whether it is about the climate or peace. The feeling of urgency is now far greater than when I was writing the novel, and yet, it also suffuses the novel, which gives it a more topical feel than it might have had a few years ago.
AS: Abandoned children, children left to fend for themselves, poor children who have terrible—sometimes monstrous—parents are often found in your novels. In some of your most powerful work, these children are Mauritian Créole, or of African descent more generally (I think of Eve in Eve Out of Her Ruins, Jeremiah in The Living Days). As a Mauritian writer of Indian descent, raised well away from the slums of Port Louis, what propelled you to write these stories? Was there the belief that they wouldn’t get told, otherwise?
AD: I do not like being called “the voice of the voiceless”—it sounds overly pretentious. However, I did quote Aimé Césaire’s powerful words once: “Ma bouche sera la bouche des malheurs qui n’ont point de bouche” (“my mouth will be the mouth of those calamities that have no mouth”). It is true that when I wrote Rue la Poudrière, I did feel that my protagonist had no say and no voice, and was being irrevocably crushed by the gigantic hand of fate in the form of her parents, her pimp, society and the city itself (and the bulldozers looming over her at the end of the novel, that will crush the entire neighborhood). The silence of Mauritian society concerning the descendants of slaves was deafening. Their own memories were long repressed, until they began to reclaim their ancestry. But it isn’t only their silence that runs through my books. It’s that of everyone who is denied a say, or whose story will never be told.
The silence of Mauritian society concerning the descendants of slaves was deafening.
I realized after having written many books that my characters often had an impediment that prevented them from speaking out or being listened to: Gungi becomes mute, Mouna has a harelip, Pagli and Josephin are thought to be crazy and thus not worth listening to, and so on. Even in my last novel, Manger l’autre, the protagonist is aware that her obesity prevents people from hearing her, because they only see her external appearance and thus ignore her intelligence. Deep down I think all this comes from my own silence, my shyness as a child, my reluctance to speak out in front of others (even though I have conquered this over the years and am no longer stricken with stage fright!), and the feeling that few people are really listening. It’s no coincidence that I entitled my autobiographical book Les hommes qui me parlent (the men who speak to me).
AS: Othering is central to the novel: I think it’s particularly brilliant the way you show how Jeremiah believes himself to be mature, wise, sexy—cognizant of his looks, and of what the exoticization of his own body could bring him: “They’ll be kneeling before me. They’ll be my way out of Brixton” he thinks. But of course he’s a child; he has no idea of what those thoughts would entail if acted out, he’s 13 years old, for him it’s all play. His thoughts are only revealed to us after he’s met Mary, and we’ve seen the way Mary sees him: as a vulnerable child.
If there is a characteristic that unites all my protagonists, it is their ambiguity. They are never entirely good or bad.
AD: If there is a characteristic that unites all my protagonists, it is their ambiguity. They are never entirely good or bad. They are complex, strange, and ultimately human. But it’s a facet of humanity that goes beyond the mundane, the routine, the mediocre, everything that drags us down and makes us less than we can be. And so, Jeremiah is a kid, but a kid who has become an adult because of the environment in which he lives and because he feels responsible for his mum and sisters. This Otherness is thus the complexity we see in him as he transitions from child to something more, not quite adult but almost, the fluctuating tides of growing up that brought him to Mary and that will make him stay. Which means that what we see is something closer to ourselves than we think, but we just don’t recognize it. It’s a similar kind of ambiguity that we see in Eve, in Eve de ses décombres. Admittedly, she is older, she is seventeen and for a girl, closer to an adult than Cub is, but she is also both a child who never grew up and a woman able to face danger and confront it headlong, able to fight even if she knows there is no way of winning. This is why, in these environments, children have a deeper knowledge of life than in other societies, and have this cold, almost cynical view of the world that makes them see people for what they are. Their gaze is truly unflinching.
AS: There’s also this wonderful section where Mary, for perhaps the first time in her life, is “the Other.” The white body becomes foreign, unwelcome:
She discovered pockets, open spaces that each group had appropriated and where she felt like an intruder. The pointed glares and closed-off expressions were a stern warning that she ignored anyway with a courage that astonished her. Even the aromas changed: guavas, paprika, smoked meat, dried fish […] bits and pieces of civilisation thrown in a bag and mixed together energetically without actually combining them, violence clashing against violence, these momentary alliances engendering dizziness—the foreigner she was entered as her risk and at her peril.
There’s an extraordinary act of mimicry later on, too:
In spite of the fear that seized her as she got on the 159 bus, she kept going. She followed a group of women to the local market, watched what they were buying and picked up the same things […] copied their way of weighing the vegetables.
What was going on in your mind as you wrote this scene?
AD: It came from this idea that, even if they were all living in the same city, they inhabited different worlds, almost different planets that never collided. Although Mary has not had an easy or overly protected life, she has never had the opportunity to see how this other world lives. She has become almost mummified, frozen in her narrow house, in her memories, in a past that never bore its promised fruits. And so, when she steps over the line, over the frontier that separates her from Cub’s world, she is swept into a tidal wave of sensations, colours, perfumes, images that she has never experienced before. Because she is so fascinated with Cub, she wants to know his life, to know his tastes, his likes and dislikes, and thus becomes a pale ghost following these women and trying to understand how they live. She will even try to cook Caribbean dishes, although, ironically, Cub’s mother herself didn’t cook them and Cub never ate them. It’s as if her foray into his world is fated to fail, because it is so little, and far too late, but at the same time it expresses her deep love, her tenderness, her willingness to follow this path away from herself and towards him. They, however, see her presence in their world as an invasion, because this is how it has always been. There is no true common ground, in the end.
AS: “They weren’t human. Nor were they animals. They were relics.“
They climbed onward like giants, as if they owned the earth, and that was how they saw things, free for the taking, as was their right, and each step they took as they ran was a claim on a bit more land, they swallowed up kilometers of pavement, swelling their unrelenting desire like wildfire.
These are highly evocative descriptions of white supremacy and its mechanisms in The Living Days.
I’m particularly struck by the idea of ever-returning “relics,” and the way you deftly use time in the novel. Mary’s dementia is fascinating in this respect: it makes time in the novel a much more convoluted thing, one randomly coalescent in places, and defies the idea of strict, linear, epochal time. Wars, austerity, nationalism, racism come like tides, and in her mind these aren’t separate events; they aren’t “relics” to be safely stored away in history books, and forgotten about.
Some people have this sense of power ingrained in them, and it is a primal power.
AD: This scene was there in my mind from the beginning, I knew it would happen, but it also scared me, I tried to delay it while knowing that I was heading towards it inexorably. I had this experience as a student, when a fellow student took me to a footbridge over St. Pancras station, and told me that this was where most suicides happened in London. Later on, as I was going home, the tube car was invaded by a raucous group of completely drunk football fans who started teasing the women and verbally aggressing the men. One sat down on a woman’s lap and another pinched a young girl’s breasts. I was terrified of what was going to happen. I got out of the tube at the next stop. Nothing happened to me, but the terror in the eyes of these women, who were unable to do anything, and of the men who couldn’t do anything either, has stayed with me ever since. So this male supremacy, and white supremacy, and their feeling of complete immunity and of “owning” the world, yes, it’s impossible to measure it, it’s as if you are suddenly made to realize how little of that power is in your own hands, how terrifyingly weak you are. These two scenes from the book are directly related to these two experiences from my student days, but also to my observation of society since then, the realization that some people have this sense of power ingrained in them, and it is a primal power, a kind of remnant of biological urges to dominate, it is not something that is reasoned or that can be reasoned with, it does not belong to human rationality but to biological instincts. This is why I call it a relic, a relic of these primeval urges, of our base biology, but consolidated by a society that has done nothing to curb them, to change them, to “socialize” them.
As for your interesting comment about time, yes, there is no linear time in this novel, and this is what allows Mary to “revive” Howard from real and figurative death, it is what makes London exist simultaneously in all these different periods, and it will also allow her to prolong Cub’s life beyond the realm of possibility—because that’s her power. Mary is London, in a way, both ancient and new, wizened and beautiful, joyous and tragic, and completely immortal and intemporal.
You go to a coffee shop in order to focus on your craft. What do you order?
A. A black coffee.
B. An almond milk matcha.
What is your critically acclaimed debut novel about?
A. A man getting stuck on a subway train and revisiting the weight of all of the mistakes he’s made in his twenty- four years of life.
B. A sweeping family drama about migrants crossing the border and the brave white man who meets them and has the guts to tell their story.
What do you eat for breakfast?
A. I don’t, because I’m distracted by the hustle and bustle of the world outside me. I’m constantly on the move, engaging with strangers and enemies, friends and lovers.
B. I don’t, because gluten before noon muddles the mind and destroys the body. Actually, gluten at any time. Actually, all food.
How explicit are your sex scenes?
A. I describe the curve of her breast.
B. I describe the curve of her [CENSORED BY THE EDITOR FOR PUBLICATION].
What’s served at your local cocktail parties?
A. Microbrews and cocaine.
B. Cheese and cocaine.
What are you dressing as for Halloween this year?
A. I don’t dress up for Halloween because it’s a holiday for children and crass consumer- ists. So either that or Maxwell Perkins.
B. A serial killer, but one who hasn’t been caught yet.
If you answered mostly A’S
You are a New York writer. Your best work will be done in a notebook while standing on a subway platform, waiting for a train that may or may not ever arrive. The rats that have burrowed beneath your nonfunctional dish- washer are probably just a metaphor for your grandfather’s sins.
If you answered mostly B’S
You are an LA writer. Your best work will be done by dictation while you’re waiting in traffic. Your blog posts about the lighting in Tarantino films will one day have upwards of eighty views. Enjoy pretending to call yourself a novelist while you’re really just waiting for the right person to read your screenplay.
The Sunshine State has been the inspiration for so much great literature; authors like Lauren Groff, Kristen Arnett, and Karen Russell have used the wild natural world of Florida’s swamps and beaches as inspiration for their fiction. But perhaps no one has captured the spirit of Florida quite like Florida Man. He alone is as untamed as the Everglades; he alone is as resilient as an alligator. Writers are students of life, and who but Florida Man can say they have truly lived? Use this list of Florida Man headlines to inspire some writing as weird as the state itself.
It’s the spookiest day of the spookiest season, but you already had your party last weekend, and now you have to stay home and either hand out candy to grabby children or turn out all lights visible from the street and pretend you’re not home. What makes a night in both fun and seasonally appropriate? Horror movies, of course! So while you’re waiting for, or hiding from, trick-or-treaters tonight, put on a Nightmare on Elm Street marathon and make your way through some of the best stuff we’ve published about scary films.
Maybe you haven’t noticed this, but horror movies contain a lot of scenes of women eating—and not only eating, but eating voraciously. Laura Maw has noticed, and she thinks she understands. This essay is both a sensitive cultural analysis of a horror movie trope and a beautiful personal narrative of coming to terms with both the threat and the banality of hunger.
As a woman, to say that you have found eating uncomfortable at times is not particularly groundbreaking. The anxiety has become mundane because it is so common for women, but isn’t that in itself noteworthy? Horror invites us to sit with this disgust, this anxiety, to acknowledge our appetite, to refuse to let us suppress it. There is something uncomfortable and enthralling about watching a woman devour what she likes with intent.
This Best American Essays notable is about the physical experience of horror—both horror films, and the familiar horrors we encounter in our normal lives, the ways we brush up against mortality and violation and fear. Why do we seek out this physical experience—”the pupil dilation, the quickening heart, the sweat forming on your upper lip and the surface of your palms, and the nearly overwhelming urge to cover your eyes or run from the room”?
If those other viewers are anything like me, they watch horror movies because they recognize the horror, because its familiarity is strange and terrifying and unavoidable. It is the lure of the uncanny filtering into the cracks and crevices of the cinematic landscape and drawing us in.
Michael Myers wears a mask to hide his face while he kills—but is that the only mask he wears? Richard Scott Larson talks about watching Halloween obsessively as an adolescent, while he was starting to understand that his own desires were also considered monstrous.
The experience of adolescence as a closeted queer boy is one of constantly attempting to imitate the expression of a desire that you do not feel. Identification with a bogeyman, then, shouldn’t be so surprising when you imagine the bogeyman as unfit for society, his true nature having been rejected and deemed horrific.
The “final girl” is the one who’s left standing at the end of the film, the one who survives the carnage. But what do you call someone who’s still standing after childhood trauma? This short story is about horror films, but more than that, it’s about mother-daughter relationships—a deeper and more mundane form of horror than the kind in slasher flicks.
The one thing my mother and I share is a love for slasher films. When the first girl gets hacked up or sawed in half or stabbed in the breast, my mother says, “Now there’s real life for you.” And I glance at her sideways and think, you can say that again.
Unlike the “final girl,” the girl who dies first doesn’t have a catchy title. Lindsay King-Miller writes about the lost friend who taught her that we don’t all have it in us to be a final girl—and that we should celebrate the girl who dies first, because she’s not living in fear.
To survive a horror story you have to realize you’re in one. The girl who dies thinks she’s in a different kind of story, one that’s about her and what she wants: to dance, to party, to fuck, to feel good. She thinks she is the subject of this story, the one who watches, desires, sees, the one who acts upon the world. She does not feel the eyes on her, does not know she is being observed, that her fate is not to reshape the world but to be reshaped by it.
Yes, Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 is a cheesy horror-comedy hybrid in which women are menaced and their bodies are treated as set dressing. But so is adolescence. Sarah Kurchak writes about the many ways in which this movie taught her what to expect from the world.
Sure, this was, on many levels, a schlocky B-movie with so many of the expected hallmarks of the time — women in hot pants and peril, over-the-top gore. But it was a schlocky B-movie in which a woman faced men’s threats, both implicit and explicit, and was left breathing but almost unrecognizable at the end of it. That felt familiar.
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