Being Scared to Death Is Part of Being a Mother

After the birth of her daughter, in 2014, Sarah Menkedick was surprised to find herself racked with anxiety. Rather than enjoying joyful days out in the world, Menkedick spent her days obsessing about everything that could potentially hurt her child. She was living in Mexico at the time, and at one point became so paralyzed by fear that she stopped going outside. Once she got treatment and had her anxiety under control, she started to research her condition. She discovered that while postpartum depression is increasingly discussed and screened for, postpartum anxiety isn’t even given its own diagnostic category. She began speaking to other mothers and found that her anxiety wasn’t unusual—in fact, it was almost considered standard behavior for new mothers. From the time that women become pregnant, they are expected to avoid any potentially risky behavior—even when that risk is infinitesimal—in the interest of their unborn child, and those expectations only multiply once the child is born. 

The result is Ordinary Insanity: Fear and the Silent Crisis of Motherhood in America, a wide-ranging and deeply researched book. Menkedick looks at all the ways women are expected to embrace what she calls the “ordinary insanity” of constant worry and self-sacrifice, and the racialized ways in which fear is used as a way to control mothers’ behavior. She argues that much of our quotidian parenting worries are the product of a society that not only ignores or miscategorizes the hazards mothers face (postpartum depression, maternal death and infant mortality, strictures on how to behave while pregnant) but that places too much onus on the mother to protect her child from all possible harm. We’re anxious, she writes, because we are taught that not to worry is a parenting failure. Reading her well-researched book, shot through with first-person accounts of the personal experiences of postpartum depression and anxiety, I felt by turns heartened to know that my fears were shared by others, and discouraged to know that my maternal obsessiveness and fear of judgment wouldn’t be going away any time soon.

Menkedick wrote her book long before COVID-19. Now that so much has changed, I wanted to talk to Menkedick about what this time is like for mothers. What happens when the garden-variety causes of maternal anxiety balloon into one of the scariest situations we’ve faced as a society? 


Anna Altman: I spent a bunch of yesterday—Mother’s Day—rereading a lot of the accounts of postpartum depression and anxiety in your book. 

Sarah Menkedick: Oh god.

AA: Which is a little bit harrowing! But in general so much of what you wrote about being a mother really resonated with me: your feeling that you had a vision of what kind of mother you would be, and then finding that rather than this bold nonchalant one that you were more quiet and interior; about that the things you love—quietly reading while your daughter drew. It’s really lovely, and so generous of you to share so much of yourself.

SM: Thank you, that is really nice to hear because there was some debate about that. The book started out more personal, in the same vein as my first one, Homing Instincts. That’s where I’m happiest as a creator. I could just report on my interior landscape all day. My first book was about that transition into stillness and this different way of being and then this book started out as being like, okay, I’ve descended into this really disturbing fear. It started out as a personal account of me trying to like come to grips with this and what it meant. My agent very gently was like, we need to make this a little bit more narrative. Creatively and personally, I had to push myself. I had done magazine reporting, but not on a book level. I had to start from scratch without anything personal. 

I intended to find these women and the book was going to be their stories and no me. I interviewed these women over and over and I tried to get as much depth in their stories as I could. But my big thing with nonfiction, and the reason why I was resistant to doing a more issue-driven, researched and reported book is because I really like a deep, emotional read. I was paranoid the whole time that the book wasn’t going to have any feeling in it. There’s a certain interiority that you just can’t get from someone else’s story ever. If I wanted to convey what this actually felt like I could only convey that if I was writing out of my own interior experience. 

AA: It’s interesting to hear you say that you because one of the things I really loved about your book and one of its great successes, I think, is the way that you integrate the voices of so many different kinds of women. I was really amazed at how open and articulate these women were about their experience and it sounded like many of them hadn’t ever really articulated this to anybody—not to their partners, not to their family. How did you find your subjects, and what was it like forging those relationships? A lot of them seemed really personal. It seems like this was like a huge emotional labor in addition to reporting and writing labor.

SM: It’s so cheesy to be like, “it was a healing journey,” but I don’t think I realized the degree of shame that I had about this until I started talking to other women. The first woman I talked to shocked me. When I first met her, I very much remember having this feeling of, Well, she looks normal. There I was, in throes of all my craziness, thinking of myself as totally normal, totally together. And in the coffee shop she looked, of course, the exact same way. It’s so backwards. She was so open about her behavior—that she had to put all the plastic bags in the basement, for example, because she was afraid of her child suffocating. I was doing similar things but I was still rationalizing to myself that I was being extra cautious. Hearing her talk so frankly about her experience was the first time that I felt relief. That it’s okay to talk about this. There was something freeing in that. 

AA: Your book talks so much about how motherhood and worrying go hand in hand and not only when that worry is pathological. Assuming that a child’s basic needs are met, then we worry about whether to breastfeed or bottle feed, what toxins are in the things that we’re feeding them, keeping our children away from screens or whatever it is—which at this point seems so quaint. What happens when the baseline expectation of maternal worry meets a situation like the one that we’re in? A global pandemic, which is genuinely really frightening and life changing? How do you mitigate against the worry becoming too big? I remember talking to a friend about your book a couple months ago, before we had heard of the coronavirus, and she had joked that it would be easier in some way if instead of worrying about toxins or whether formula is bad for your child, what if we had to worry about bears or war or an actual threat. Now that we have something that’s real and true and focuses our fear that’s also revealing so many other things that are scary—like our lack of safety net and the fragility of our economy—how have things changed about the way you thought about worry and the way that mothers worry? 

If you’re a white middle-class mother, and you’re obsessing about whether one hour of PBS is too much, that’s controllable, private nonsense. It just doesn’t matter.

SM: I don’t want to be overly simplistic here because I don’t want to be like, well, it goes to show how little we have to really worry about. That’s too basic. But I do think that to some extent. To use the screens as an example, this just illuminates how much of our parenting gets caught up in what Judith Warner called “controllable private nonsense.” Especially if you’re a white middle-class mother, and you’re obsessing about whether one hour or two hours of PBS is too much, that’s controllable, private nonsense. It just doesn’t matter. What’s fascinating now that we’re in the middle of this pandemic and everybody’s stuck in their houses, and a lot of people are trying to work a full time job and raise children, is that you have all these experts who’ve been hand-wringing about screen time for years and now they’re saying, Oh, it’s fine. All of a sudden it’s fine. That’s really revealing. Not only do we lean really hard on experts to tell us what’s okay, but maybe all those restrictions aren’t actually as rigid and determinative as we thought. It’s reflective of this larger issue in U.S. parenting, which is that if you are educated enough and well off enough to be reading the New York Times Parenting newsletter to figure out what the American Academy of Pediatrics recommends for your child at a particular age, then you’re probably wasting your time obsessing about screen time. And the people that we really need to worry about, we’re not really doing anything for. It’s missing the point entirely. 

The question for me is, what is that masking or replacing? I think that becoming a mother is the first time that many women have to confront the fact that something really awful could happen and how could you survive that? In my 20s I was hitchhiking alone across South America, taking all these huge risks and never really thinking about it. There’s this life transition in my 30s, where I became a little bit more aware of the fact that I’m not immortal. Having a child really was the first time I was like, I’m going to die, and that’s terrifying. What if something happens to me? What if something happens to my child, and I’m responsible for it? And the American response, especially for a certain type of mother, is to try to micro-control every single aspect of my child’s life to make sure that they’re super optimized and nothing bad will ever happen. What’s happening right now reveals how a lot of my anxiety is just a waste. Why am I spending all this time trying to get some futile sense of control? We think that if we research the right sunscreen brand or helmet that we can be on top of everything. That’s the insanity that it is to be beholden to this other human being and be totally in love with them and not able to really control what happens to them and what they become. 

AA: Your point is really well taken and I love that phrase “controllable private nonsense.” But on the flip side, for people who are in a state of heightened anxiety, maybe they just gave birth or they’re experiencing postpartum depression, and then it’s like, now this, what can we do to take care of those people when they’re so isolated? People are afraid of something quite real right now, and it might lead to unhealthy choices, or overlap with behavior that could be pathological.

There’s this notion that if anything is uncertain during pregnancy it’s just not worth the risk even if the risk is literally .0001%.

SM: That’s a super important point. I remember I read an article in a journal where the authors of this editorial on risk and pregnancy said that doctors are constantly formalizing this relationship between uncertainty and danger in pregnancy. And that’s really devastating for women because we all live with uncertainty all the time. You can’t control everything. But there’s this notion that if anything is uncertain during pregnancy it’s just not worth the risk even if the risk is literally .0001%. That can create a pathological normal, where women are dramatically modifying their lives to avoid even infinitesimal risk and already we’re willing to see that as good parenting. The risk of that is even higher during this time. When you pile all that up, it has a real impact. It’s even harder now because it’s something none of us have ever lived. It’s even harder for people who are walking a much finer line between debilitating anxiety and normal fear to say, yeah, you should take the risk. I think it’s really necessary for that reason to be more vigilant about when that fear starts to totally overtake a life. 

AA: You have a chapter in your book about psychoanalysis and the pressure on mothers, more than on parents, to make sure the child is well adjusted, learns all the things they’re supposed to—that you’re this sort of “mother-therapist.” We’ve been talking about how much pressure mothers are under at a time like this. What kind of advice would you give moms to let themselves off the hook a little bit?

SM: I keep telling myself that motherhood is a very textured experience. It’s never entirely good or entirely bad, and it’s not even-keeled. You have this beautiful moment where, you know, my daughter and I are lying in bed and there’s sunlight on her little face and she’s giggling and it’s perfect. And then two seconds later, the kid is screaming at you and refusing to leave the house if they don’t get a Starburst. You’re like, this is awful, I hate being a mother. It toggles between those things constantly. Rozsika Parker, a psychoanalyst that I cite, calls it maternal ambiguity. She defines it as living in this space between love and hate. I’ve felt a lot of angst about having it be one way or the other and now I’m just trying to not freak out and accept that sometimes it’s really great and really poignant and sometimes it really sucks and it doesn’t really matter how I feel about it. 

AA: What do you think has changed to allow more writers to treat this as a subject worthy of respect? 

SM: All of a sudden there was this curiosity. And now there’s been this surge of books in the last five years, which is great. But I think there’s still a tendency of, if you’re going to write about motherhood, it better be something critical and somewhat snarky with a sweet moment thrown in. I have mixed feelings about that. For women in particular, there’s this notion that negative and snarky is somehow more real. There’s definitely such sentimental crap out there about motherhood, too, and often the difficult parts of motherhood are invisible and I see the need to be really critical of the institution of motherhood, but at the same time, leaning too hard into that deprives the experience of its power. That’s something that I grappled with in this book. How do you find empowerment as a mother and how do you empower mothers without essentializing all women or falling into sentimental drivel? The Blue Jay’s Dance does that. It was powerful, beautiful writing and a celebration of womanhood that did not feel trivial or cliché. I don’t think our generation has an example of that yet. Snark is so much the thing of the day.

Introducing Brazil’s Best Classic Writer You’ve Never Heard Of

Introduction to The Posthumous Memoirs of Brás Cubas by Joaquim Maria Machado de Assis, published by Penguin Books, an imprint of Penguin Random House, LLC. Translation copyright © 2020 by Flora Thomson-DeVeaux.

Fifteen pages into Memórias Póstumas de Brás Cubas, when the narrator, delirious and on the brink of death, is carried off by a gruff, talking hippopotamus, I remember putting the book down and staring out the window for a breath, delighted and taken aback. This was my first encounter with Brás Cubas. It was 2010, I was a sophomore in college with a few semesters of Portuguese under my belt, and this book was not what I had expected.

The Posthumous Memoirs of Brás Cubas by Joaquim Maria Machado de Assis

The average non-Brazilian reader might be forgiven for not expecting anything whatsoever. After all, The Posthumous Memoirs of Brás Cubas was Joaquim Maria Machado de Assis’s first novel published in English, 70 years after its release and nearly a half century after its author’s death. “The name of Machado de Assis will probably be unknown to nine out of ten people who pick up this book,” hazarded one of the early reviews of William Grossman’s pioneering 1952 translation. One would be hard-pressed to alter that figure today, even after Brás Cubas has won over such illustrious writers as Susan Sontag, Salman Rushdie, John Barth, and Philip Roth.

In 1960, in The Brazilian Othello of Machado de Assis, the critic and translator Helen Caldwell spoke of the author as Brazil’s “Kohinoor,” the diamond plucked from India to adorn Queen Victoria’s crown. Translations, needless to say, do not steal the original; English renditions of Machado de Assis’s works do not deprive Brazilian readers of their jewel. Still, Machado de Assis has yet to find his place in the Anglophone canon. Each generation seems to have its “Machado moment,” glimpsing the diamond of his work anew—a rediscovery by turns intimate, wondering, and “indignant,” as Caldwell put it in The Brazilian Master. Who is this master, and why haven’t we heard of him before?

Who is this master, and why haven’t we heard of him before?

For a beginning student of Brazilian literature, on the other hand, Machado de Assis seemed to be everywhere, as inescapable and imposing as the mountains of Rio de Janeiro. Born in that city in 1839, the mixed-race son of a humble family, the grandson of slaves, Machado—as he is familiarly known in Portuguese—rose from obscurity and relative poverty to be- come a fixture of literary life, and then a cultural patriarch. He wrote profusely, if not furiously: a largely self-educated, voracious reader, he began his career as a typographer’s apprentice, then a copy editor, journalist, theater critic, and censor. He penned hundreds of newspaper columns under various pseudonyms, wrote poetry and plays, made the bookstores of the swank Rua do Ouvidor a perennial haunt, and inserted himself into a number of literary societies before cementing his reputation with a series of novels. He was the founding president of the Brazilian Academy of Letters. At his funeral, in September 1908, he was mourned by statesmen and writers alike. A legend in life, he became a monument in death.

The Posthumous Memoirs of Brás Cubas occupies an almost mythical position in Machado’s trajectory. By 1880, Machado had written four well-received novels: Resurrection (1872), The Hand and the Glove (1874), Helena (1876), and Iaiá Garcia (1878), books in which marriage is either the end point or the fulcrum of the plot, and young women struggle in more or less melodramatic and scheming ways to secure their places in society.

And then came Brás Cubas. The novel was a long step outside the bounds of convention: the memoirs of a man, composed from his grave, dedicated to the worms gnawing at his corpse. It is full of disconcerting and playful images, mischievous mental creations brought to life. The narrator sees the idea for a grand invention somersaulting before him on a metaphysical trapeze; his thoughts take wing and nestle up against his lover’s thoughts on a moonlit windowsill; he lectures readers on the importance of cross-eyed fakirs and takes them into the brain of an envious hatmaker.

The novel was a long step outside the bounds of convention: the memoirs of a man, composed from his grave, dedicated to the worms gnawing at his corpse.

For those reading the serialized narrative in the magazine Revista Brazileira, the story stretched from March to December 1880 and would be published in book form the following year. Over the course of a hundred and sixty-odd chapters, the protagonist introduces himself, dies, is born, grows up, fails to make much of anything of himself, and complains with gusto about the task of writing and about the failings of his readers, looking down his nose at them and dismissing them from the heights of his gravebound superiority.

This peculiar work, despite the status it would come to attain, was at first received with no small perplexity. A handful of critics offered mild praise; others weren’t so charitable. The reaction was so icy that Machado’s brother-in-law had to give him a pep talk. “And what of it if the majority of the reading public didn’t understand your latest book? There are books that are for all, and books for a few—your last is of the second sort, and I know that it was quite appreciated by those who did understand it—moreover, as you well know, the best books are not those which are the most in vogue. Do not mind or think of public opinion when you write. Justice will be done, sooner or later, you may be sure.”

Indeed, this strange book would, in retrospect, be cast as the start of a new era for Machado de Assis. As a student of Brazilian literature, I became aware of the unique place it occupied in the mythology of the national canon. From certain angles, it seems that there is a before-and-after Machado de Assis—an author with whom subsequent generations have been forced to reckon—and that within Machado de Assis there is a before-and-after Brás Cubas. While the hard distinction between the first and second phases of his work (Romantic and conformist in the former, formally experimental and unsettling in the latter) has been rethought in recent decades as scholars have traced the roots of Machado’s experimentations back to previous works, something remains of the image of the dead narrator springing full-grown and grinning from the head of his creator, inexplicable and epoch-making.

In 19th-century Brazil, Machado was seen as an 18th-century writer; in 20th-century Brazil, he was seen as a 19th-century writer; and outside Brazil, by the 20th century he was starting to be seen as a 21st-century writer.

What was it that made Brás Cubas so strange? Writing in the 1990s, the Brazilian critic Wilson Martins commented that in 19th-century Brazil, Machado was seen as an 18th-century writer; in 20th-century Brazil, he was seen as a 19th-century writer; and that outside Brazil, by the 20th century he was starting to be seen as a 21st-century writer. The 18th-century tag comes courtesy of the book’s evident debt to Laurence Sterne; the list of striking commonalities between the Posthumous  Memoirs and Sterne’s The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman (1759–1767) includes both works’ digressiveness and formal experimentation. On the first score: in trying to tell the story of his life, Tristram famously gets so distracted that he gets around to narrating his birth in only the third volume; whereas Brás takes only ten chapters to do the same, he is given to wandering down all sorts of tangents and chastising readers when they fail to follow his zigzagging train of thought. On the second score, both books have daringly short chapters, some of which are composed entirely with punctuation, or less still: Tristram decides to cut ten pages from his Life and Opinions, for example, leaving a gap in the numbering, while Brás’s chapter “Of How I Did Not Become a Minister of State” is one long, disappointed ellipsis.

Even for those who had followed Machado’s increasingly whimsical crônicas (newspaper columns in which he, under a variety of pseudonyms, recounted and reflected on current events), it was jarring to find him plunging into the disagreeable head of a ghost with memoiristic ambitions. Perhaps the least unsettling thing in the book is its prose, which is master- fully elegant and largely law-abiding, though it conceals many a pitfall for the translator.

We may get a clearer sense of how odd the book seemed by looking at the company it kept. Machado’s contemporaries and immediate predecessors could mostly be found writing urban society dramas or origin stories that dwelled on the fusion of the nation’s “three races”—the Portuguese, Native peoples, and African slaves. (This was the sort of weighty narrative I think I expected to find when I sat down to read Brazil’s greatest novelist.) Their prose, for the most part, has aged, while Machado’s remains eerily fresh. “Death does not age one,” as Brás reminds us, exasperated, in Chapter CXXXVIII; a skeleton’s smile is eternal, and Machado’s style, while intricate, is anything but overly fleshy. When held against paeans to the lush Atlantic forest and self-sacrificing indigenous heroes, Machado’s novels seemed to many of his contemporaries rather lacking in national spirit, a grave defect for a country still working to define its culture and identity in relation to its former imperial power. As Machado would write in a famous 1873 essay: “One sometimes hears an opinion regarding this topic that I consider erroneous. This is that the only works of true national spirit are those that describe local subjects, a belief that if correct, would greatly limit the resources available to our literature.” If Shakespeare could lift plots from Italy and Spain, why couldn’t Machado dip his pen into a Sternean inkwell?

If Shakespeare could lift plots from Italy and Spain, why couldn’t Machado dip his pen into a Sternean inkwell?

John Gledson, a Machado scholar and translator, wrote that his attempts to read the master had been frustrated until he read a series of analyses by the literary critic Roberto Schwarz that gave him the key to interpret him. Gledson sums up one of the major arguments as follows: the seemingly arbitrary, disconcerting structure of The Posthumous Memoirs of Brás Cubas, “narrated by a frivolous, blithely inconsistent member of the ruling class, is itself socially inspired—there could hardly be a tighter connection between form and content.” In other words, Brás is far more than a reheated Tristram Shandy: his disconcerting freedom as a narrator is rooted in his disproportionate perch in a highly arbitrary Brazilian society. Machado’s appropriation of the Sternean form becomes a critique of his country’s relationship to power, albeit one so finely executed and so unwilling to be didactic that it would be perceived as such only belatedly. (In the case of one of his other masterpieces, Dom Casmurro, it took over a half-century for critics to grasp that the central fact of the narrative may be all in the narrator’s imagination. Their eyes were opened by none other than a Machadian translator, Helen Caldwell, who suggested that the protagonist, Bento Santiago, might not be an embittered, betrayed husband, but rather a cruel “Brazilian Othello.”)

Beyond the structural characteristics that refer back to the power dynamics of Brazilian society, the reader looking to appreciate the brilliance of Brás Cubas is faced with more hurdles—namely, issues of historical memory. Slavery haunts the novel in ways that might have been immediately present and uncomfortable for Machado’s contemporaries, but whose subtleties lie in contextual knowledge not readily accessible to modern readers. Brás’s perplexity at the cruelty of the yellow fever epidemic that swept through Rio in 1850, for example, is comprehensible on its face, but it takes on a different light entirely when we read that the plague had a distinctly racial bent. The city’s African population was largely spared, thanks to inherited immunity to the virus that caused the disease, while European immigrants and the white population were hardest hit. The disparity was so stark that some attributed the disease to revenge by Benedict, the black saint, after white churchgoers’ refusal to carry his statue on their shoulders during an 1849 religious procession. When another character fantasizes about mustering a half-dozen good men to throw all the English out of Rio de Janeiro, the sentiment becomes both slightly more understandable and more sinister when we know that the English government was working to strangle the Atlantic slave trade and had recently affirmed its right to stop Brazilian ships and search them for suspect cargo. The novel’s meanings far overspill its historical context, of course, but a fuller understanding of these time-bound elements—remote for Brazilian high school students today and downright otherworldly for the English-speaking reader with little knowledge of Brazil— enriches it immeasurably.

This deadpan treatment of the subject is quite deliberate. One of Machado’s most famous stories, from the post-abolition period, opens this way: “Half a century ago, slaves ran away quite often. There were many of them, and not all of them cared for slavery.”

As a non-white man working within a structure of power, Machado used his perch to defend the freedom that was being begrudgingly conceded.

Not only was Machado the grandson of former slaves, but he also served for decades in the Ministry of Agriculture at a time when Brazil was shamefully inching its way toward abolition. A fascinating study by historian Sidney Chalhoub, Machado de Assis historiador, shows how Machado was directly involved with the enforcement of the “Free Womb Law,” an 1871 measure that decreed that the children of slaves would be born free. As a non-white man working within a structure of power, Machado systematically used his perch to defend the freedom that was being begrudgingly and belatedly conceded. And as a non-white man in an overwhelmingly white literary establishment, he constructed a white narrator who can be casually amused by brutal injustice, holding up a grotesque mirror to a nation where slavery was then still legal. 

Take the opening to Chapter LXVIII. In the first sentence, Brás lets us know that he was strolling through a place called Valongo. What he does not tell us—in part because he doesn’t need to, given the dark familiarity of the name for Rio natives, and in part because he has no inclination to make his reflections on the subject anything but glancing—is that the Valongo was the city’s old slave market. By the time of the scene in the novel, the Americas’ largest slaving port, which alone may have received as many as a million enslaved Africans (nearly triple the total number brought to the United States), had been officially deactivated; but Machado would recall smuggled slaves being sold in broad daylight, years after the ban. Shortly after Brás’s stroll, in 1843, the Valongo wharf was chosen as the site to welcome Emperor Pedro II’s bride and renamed the “Empress’s Landing,” its irregular cobblestones covered over with even flagstones. After the monarchy fell, the area was used as a landfill. Only in the first decades of this century, thanks to the excavations prompted by the World Cup and the Olympics, did parts of the old slave wharf see the light again. Not too far off is the site of the Cemitério dos Pretos Novos, the common grave of tens of thousands of newly arrived Africans who succumbed even before they could be sold.

The sentence reads, Tais eram as reflexões que eu vinha fazendo, por aquele Valongo fora, logo depois de ver e ajustar a casa: “Such were my reflections as I strolled through Valongo, just having visited the house and made the necessary arrangements.” Brás’s reflections are shortly interrupted by the spectacle of a black man, his former slave, brutally whipping his own slave, a sight that he finds first bothersome, then philosophical, then rather funny. This notorious chapter is so short and so dense with meaning that any attempt by a translator to contextualize within the narration itself would bloat the prose and blunt its wickedness. And yet to leave the sentence as such, without any context, would be to impoverish it immeasurably.

The politely bemused initial reaction to this tour de force of a book is partially captured in the prologue to the fourth edition, as reproduced here: in January of 1881, the historian Capistrano de Abreu wrote to Machado, wondering whether Brás Cubas might properly be considered a novel at all. Elsewhere in the letter, he described the reading experience as deliciosa— e triste também, delightful and sad at the same time.

Brás’s bleak disregard for his fellow man in both life and death is as plain on the book’s face as its absurd humor.

My first reading was pure delight: I thrilled at the narrator thumbing his nose at readers and critics alike, leaping around the events of his life, crafting and discarding metaphors in the same breath, existing in blithe contradiction. But as I revisited the book in undergraduate and graduate seminars over the years, the hilarity of that first encounter seemed to fade away. More and more, what I saw was Brás’s bleak disregard for his fellow man in both life and death, which is as plain on the book’s face as its absurd humor. In the end, it was the process of translating the Posthumous Memoirs that unveiled the darkest parts of its history—and also helped me to laugh at its jokes again.

In part, getting to know the book better has been an exercise in dismantling my initial wonderment. By this I don’t mean ruining the book’s bitter fun—far from it. But to regard the novel as wonderfully inexplicable is to accept a blinkered view that cuts out the very real world from which it emerged; that became untenable as the process of parsing the text thrust me ever deeper into its time and place. While almost entirely shorn of jungles and beaches (as one contemporary of Machado’s would complain, “Não há uma árvore!”—there’s not so much as a tree in his urban, people-focused landscapes), the novel bears deep and abiding marks of its Brazilian origin. Many readers—including me—are swept off their feet by Chapter VII, “The Delirium,” in which Brás, hallucinating in his last days, is able to contemplate the frenzied march of hu- manity from his deathbed. The chapter is a remarkable, un- hinged jaunt through time, narrated by a man who, “on the verge of leaving the world, felt a devilish pleasure in jeering at it.” Prepossessing as the scene is, what the translation process and the exercise of historical contextualization reveal is the brilliant, cruel absurdity behind seemingly tamer or more elliptical passages in the novel, such as the chapter silently set in the city’s old slave market.

If Brás Cubas already seems like an anomaly in Portuguese, the strangeness is doubled, or squared, when it is appraised outside the Brazilian context. Looking to insert Machado into their literary constellations, both Carlos Fuentes and Harold Bloom called him a miracle: the heir of Cervantes or Sterne, shooting up unexpectedly from poor tropical soil. And then there’s the nickname that stuck to him, bestowed by the great Brazilian poet Carlos Drummond de Andrade: o Bruxo do Cosme Velho, the Wizard of Cosme Velho, a reference to the Rio neighborhood where he spent most of his adult life.

Not a miracle, not a mage: my Machado de Assis is an illusionist. There’s magic in the final effect, to be sure. But behind it are pure craft and skill, as well as the manipulation of human behavior—misdirection, playing with our assumptions, our vanity, our foolishness. These past few years translating his work have been an apprenticeship, spent staring at a deft-fingered master and doing my best to replicate his tricks for a new audience.

8 Stories by LGBTQ Women Writers From Around the World

Five years ago, my second collection of short stories, Amora, was published in Brazil to unexpected acclaim, taking home one of the country’s most important literary prizes. A surprise to everyone, not least of all me. The Prêmio Jabuti catapulted me into the limelight, making me a spokesperson for writing by LBTQ women. I was invited to give lectures and teach courses; I was asked about LBTQ women writers in Brazil and around the world, besides the ones everybody already knew about; I was pushed to name references, inspirations, and so on. Fierce nerd that I am, I decided to embark on a postdoc project to help me dig up some names. I called it “Lesbian Geographies,” and it riffs on a concept coined by Eduarda Ferreira and Kathe Browne in the field of Social Sciences and which I’ve applied to the study of literature, using geography to map and analyze the prose and poetry works of LBTQ women writers. When I first started I thought it would be easy. It was just a matter of finding works, adding them to a list, reading them. No biggie. I’d begin there and once I was done, start on the analysis. I was wrong. Today I’ve got more than four hundred names of women writers who’ve authored a crazy number of books, and I’ve encountered a wide range of genres and themes that have led me to rethink these geographies, to rethink the spaces these authors occupy in the world (media, market, audiences, etc.), as well as the poetic and fictional spaces they create. 

The word “amora” in Portuguese means blackberry, but it’s also a pun on the Portuguese word for love, “amor,” which is a masculine noun (go figure). Adding the particle “a” queers amor, making it feminine. Amora, is divided into two parts: “big and juicy” (short stories) and “small and tart” (prose poems) that depict lesbian protagonists of various ages and social backgrounds across a series of situations. Amora is not so much a book of love stories as it is a book showcasing multiple forms of affection as well as other scenarios rarely featured in mainstream Brazilian literature (with the exception of work by Cassandra Rios, who was truly a bestseller). My concern has always been to present lesbian protagonists in different contexts, not necessarily romantic ones, to move them beyond love in order to reveal their complexities and nuances in everyday circumstances. Amora was born not out of the references I was being asked to provide so much as their absence in my journey as a reader.

Below are some books and stories by LBTQ women writers from around the world that you can read in English. I hope they nourish you as much as they have nourished me.

Editor’s note: This article was translated from Portuguese to English by Julia Sanches.

Madwomen: The "Locas mujeres" Poems of Gabriela Mistral, a ...

Madwomen: The “Locas Mujeres” Poems of Gabriela Mistral, translated from the Spanish by Randall Couch

A posthumous work edited and translated by Randall Couch, this volume highlights the worries and anxieties of Mistral as a poet and social worker. The madwomen portrayed here are intense, strong, and humane. Needless to say, Mistral was awarded the Nobel Prize for Literature in 1945. 

Yellow Rose from Flower Stories by Nobuko Yoshiya and translated from the Japanese by Sarah Frederick

A short story that in a way inaugurated the shōjo genre (stories written for girls), Yellow Rose follows Katsuragi Misao, a young college graduate who takes a teaching position at an all-girls school outside Tokyo so she won’t have to get married. On the train there she meets Urakami Reiko, a future student (even though she doesn’t know that yet). An immensely moving and imaginative narrative.

Thus Were Their Faces by Silvina Ocampo

Thus Were Their Faces by Silvina Ocampo, translated from the Spanish by Daniel Balderston

Thus Were Their Faces is a collection of forty-two insanely obscure yet marvelous stories written between 1937 and 1988. I read once that Silvina Ocampo creates a world that leaves readers dizzy and dazed with unfamiliarity, and I completely agree. If you like Borges and Cortázar. . . Except Silvina Ocampo is much better.

Notes of a Crocodile

Notes of a Crocodile by Qiu Miaojin, translated from the Chinese by Bonnie Huie

The book is narrated by a lesbian, but we don’t know exactly who she is, maybe because the book is set in the post-martial-law era of 1980s Taipei, when people were denied the right of assembly, free speech, and publication. I love a good coming-of-age story and this certainly is one. It follows a group of queer young misfits as they experiment with art and love, and discover the meaning of friendship.

We All Loved Cowboys by Carol Bensimon, translated from the Portuguese by Beth Fowler

Coming-of-age meets on-the-road in this novel that follows Cora and Julia as they decide to go on a trip together to make peace after a fight that took place years ago. Along their journey, they realize they have to face the future, make plans, figure out who they are, and start their lives for real. If you want some non-cliché images of (southern) Brazil, this is a good place to start.

Rilke Shake by Angélica Freitas, translated from the Portuguese by Hilary Kaplan

A collection of fun, innovative, and daring poems. Angélica Freitas is one of my favorite contemporary Brazilian poets. Her books are a delightful mix of refinement (she references Gertrude Stein and Ezra Pound) and simplicity (she has Gertrude Stein take a bath and fart while she relaxes. What could be simpler?). 

Short Stories by LBTQ Brazilian Women Writers

There are a great deal of LBTQ women writers in Brazil, most of whom are published by small independent houses. But only a handful have been translated into English, a lot of it published in literary journals and online magazines.

The following are two writers I love. I’ve read everything they’ve ever written. None of their books have been translated into English yet, but you can read some of their writing at the links below. Here’s hoping this helps get some more Brazilian fiction in translation by LBTQ women writers out there.

Blog da Cidinha
Photo by Elaine Campos

The Stunt Double” by Cidinha da Silva, translated from the Portuguese by JP Gritton

It bears mentioning that Cidinha da Silva’s prose is intricately bound to Orishas and the contemporary world. This is the story of a young boy who’s taken to see a psychiatrist on account of some strange games he had played. There he describes his dreams, which feature superheroes, iron men, and swords of justice, and says that he one day hopes his life will have that kind of meaning.

Luciany Aparecida_photo credit_Louise Queiroz

What Males Want” and “Sunday Dress” by Luciany Aparecida, translated from the Portuguese by Sarah Rebecca Kersley

You’ll learn a lot about Luciany Aparecida’s phenomenally interesting creative process from these pieces. In the first story, the narrator describes in detail her method of killing men twice a week, while the second is the story of a woman pregnant with her thirteenth child who decides she can’t bear to spend the rest of her life giving birth. 

10 Nonfiction Books on Why We Need to Defund the Police

Why have the police become one of the most common perpetrators of violence in today’s America, rather than a measure of safety? It has been made clear, over and over again, that the killing of George Floyd is far from one cop being “a bad apple.” We have seen police violence escalate, tear gas and rubber bullets used on peaceful protestors. We have seen that the U.S. policing system is deeply rooted in anti-Black, racist structures of power that uphold white supremacy. The past week’s events have shown us, once again, that our national crisis is beyond a matter of police reform; it is long past time that we hold the police accountable for their brutal actions, and start thinking of more viable options for our future.  

To quote Alex S. Vitale, author of The End of Policing: “It’s time for everyone to quit thinking that jailing one more killer cop will do anything to change the nature of American policing. We must move, instead, to significantly defund the police and redirect resources into community-based initiatives that can produce real safety and security without the violence and racism inherent in the criminal justice system.”

Although by no means comprehensive, here are ten books to start learning more about the U.S. police system—and why we should consider defunding the police. If you’re also moved to take action against police brutality, here is one list of compiled resources for supporting the cause. 

Invisible No More: Police Violence Against Black Women and Women of Color by Andrea Ritchie 

What stories, voices, and deaths are ignored by mainstream media? For example, police sexual violence is rarely punished, although, as Ritchie notes, it is the second most common police misconduct. Invisible No More meticulously documents how police brutality disproortionately affects women of color, drawing on real-life accounts from Black women, Indigenous women, trans women, non-binary people of color, and others. Ritchie, a police misconduct attorney and the author of Say Her Name: Resisting Police Brutality Against Black Women (2015), not only compiles a narrative of often-silenced voices, but also demands a radical re-approaching of what we define as “safety.” 

The End of Policing by Alex S. Vitale

It’s not enough, says sociologist Vitale, to educate, retrain, or otherwise reform police within our current system. It’s modern policing itself that’s the problem—police authority as we understand it is incompatible with the public good. Vitale examines a wide body of international research to argue for the abolition of policing and the implementation of alternatives like harm reduction and restorative justice. (PSA: Verso has made the e-book 100% free on their website. Open access for all!)

Policing the Black Man: Arrest, Prosecution, and Imprisonment, ed. Angela Davis

A discussion of racialized police brutality wouldn’t be complete without acknowledging the prison industrial complex; the two go hand in hand in persecuting—and frequently incarcerating—people of color, specifically Black men. In this well-researched yet approachable anthology, scholars come together to discuss the policing and mass incarceration of Black men. From legal analyses to historical contextualizations, racial profiling to implicit bias, the anthology covers a wide range of approaches and topics. 

When Police Kill by Franklin Zimring

In 2017, when the book was published, approximately 1,000 people died every year from the police; in 2019, the statistic had not changed: 1,099 died from police shootings. Zimring, a UC Berkeley criminologist, provides a comprehensive, data-driven analysis of what exactly those numbers entail (Black people are twice as likely to be shot), why police shootings in the U.S. may vary from that in other countries, and how gun violence plays out within our police system. 

Unwarranted: Policing Without Permission by Barry Friedman

How has the rise of data surveillance and new technologies helped the police? Friedman, who is a constitutional lawyer, explores how the police often override the Fourth Amendment—the Constitutional rights “against unreasonable searches and seizures”—in the name of public defense. Friedman’s book shows how constant tracking and increased police militarization affect the lives of every U.S. resident. 

The Black and the Blue: A Cop Reveals the Crimes, Racism, and Injustice in America’s Law Enforcement by Matthew Horace and Ron Harris

“But aren’t there cops of color? Would they say that police are racist?” is a common retort one may hear. In The Black and the Blue, Matthew Horace describes his 28 years in the police department, rising through the ranks as a Black cop. But when a white colleague points a gun at his head, Horace realizes the extent to which racism is ingrained into the police system. Horace offers an insider’s account of the archaic power dynamics of the police, analyzing several publicized shootings and cases. 

Nobody: Casualties of America’s War on the Vulnerable, from Ferguson to Flint and Beyond by Marc Lamont Hill

The frequency with which police kill Black people means that it’s impossible to write a book about state-sanctioned violence in America without being immediately out of date. But in considering high-profile deaths from Trayvon Martin to Sandra Bland, Hill draws out truths about authoritative overreach, government neglect, and the wholesale disenfranchisement and exploitation of vulnerable communities that will still apply to the next tragedy (unless, of course, we abolish the police).

Policing the Planet: Why the Policing Crisis Led to Black Lives Matter, ed. Jordan D. Camp and Christina Heatherton

You may already know that the “broken windows” strategy of policing, focusing on strictly punishing petty crimes like graffiti and public drinking, drives a significant increase in police mistreatment of marginalized people, without clearly doing anything to prevent more serious crime. But how did this defective strategy spread, and how did it lead to crisis? Scholars, artists, and activists join together in this anthology to trace the failures of policing in America.

Fight the Power: African Americans and the Long History of Police Brutality in New York City by Clarence Taylor

To those who may view police brutality and grassroots movements for racial justice as a recent “trend,” Taylor’s book shows how they are part of an ongoing pattern. Focusing on New York City’s history from the 1940s onwards, Taylor contextualizes the New York Police Department’s violence and the various forms of Black community resistance that take place everywhere, from the church pews to the courtrooms to the streets. Drawing upon historical evidence, Fight the Power calls for a radical reduction of police power in New York. 

Beyond Survival: Strategies and Survival from the Transformative Justice Movement, ed. Ejeris Dixon & Leah Lakshmi Piepzna-Samarasinha

So yes, we say. Let’s defund the police. But what else can we do? In this collection,contributors write of “transformative justice,” a means of resolving violence on a community-based, grassroots level. The truth is, as Beyond Survival points out, there have been other ways of implementing accountability, redress, and equity in communities—practiced long before the implementation of our current-day police. Drawing upon a range of diverse voices, Beyond Survival outlines both concrete and creative ways we can redefine our system of justice. 

Any Friend of Pickles on Pizza is a Friend of Mine

An excerpt from Pizza Girl
by Jean Kyoung Frazier

Her name was Jenny Hauser and every Wednesday I put pickles on her pizza.

The first time she called in it’d been mid-June, the summer of 2011. I’d been at Eddie’s a little over a month. My uniform polo was green and orange and scratchy at the pits, people would loudly thank me and then tip me a dollar, at the end of shifts my hair reeked of garlic. Every hour I thought about quitting, but I was eighteen, didn’t know how to do much of anything, eleven weeks pregnant.

At least it got me out of the house.

The morning she’d called, Mom hugged me four times, Billy five, all before I’d pulled on my socks and poured milk over my cereal. They hurled “I love yous” against my  back as I fast-walked out the front door. Some days, I wanted to turn around and hug them back. On others, I wanted to punch them straight in the face, run away to Thailand, Hawaii, Myrtle Beach, somewhere with sun and ocean.

I thank god that Darryl’s boyfriend fucked a Walgreens checkout girl.

If Darryl’s boyfriend had been kind, loyal, kept his dick in his pants, I wouldn’t have answered the phone that  day. Darryl could make small talk with a tree, had a laugh that made shoulders relax—he manned the counter and answered the phones, I just waited for addresses and drove the warm boxes to their homes.

But Darryl’s boyfriend was having a quarter-life crisis. Ketchup no longer tasted right, law school was starting to give him headaches, at night he lay awake next to the man he loved and counted sheep, 202, 203, 204, tried not to  ask the question that had ruined his favorite condiment, spoiled his dreams, replaced sleep with sheep—is this it? One day, he walked into a Walgreens to buy a pack of gum and was greeted by a smile and a pair of D cups. The next day, Darryl spent most of his shift curbside, yelling into his phone. The front door was wide open, and I tried not to listen, but failed.

“On our first date you told me that even the word ‘pussy’ made you feel like you needed a shower.”

It was the slowest part of the day. A quarter past three. Too late for lunch, too early for dinner, pizza was heavy for a mid-afternoon snack. The place was empty except for me and the three cooks. They waved hello and goodbye and not much else. I couldn’t tell if they didn’t speak English or if they just didn’t want to speak to me.

“You know you’ve ruined Walgreens for me, right? I’m going to have to drive ten extra minutes now and go to the CVS to get my Twizzlers. God damn it, you know that I can’t get through a day without my fucking Twizzlers.”

I was sitting on an empty table, turning paper napkins into birds and stars and listening to my iPod at a volume that allowed me to think, but not too deeply. I couldn’t remember the name of the boy I used to share Cheetos with in first grade. I wondered if I had ever used every drop of a pen’s ink. All shades of blue made my chest warm. Our boss, Peter, napped around this time. Every day, at 3:00 p.m. without fail, he’d close his office door and ask us to please, please not fuck anything up. We never fucked anything up. We also didn’t get much done. I stared at a large puddle of orange soda on the floor and made a paper-napkin man to sit among the birds and the stars. “Oh God, tell me you wore a condom.”

The phone rang then. I was about to call for Darryl. He started shouting about abortion.

I’d be lying if I said I don’t look back on this moment and feel its weight. I could’ve just let it ring—no one would’ve known. I didn’t. I hopped off the table, walked to the counter, picked up the phone, and heard her voice for the first time.

“So—have you ever had the kind of week where every afternoon seems to last for hours?” Her voice was heavy, quivering, the sound of genuine desperation. Before I could reply, the woman kept talking. “Like, you’ll water your plants, fold your laundry, make your kid a snack, vacuum  the rug, read a couple articles, watch some TV, call your mom, wash your face, maybe do some ab exercises to get the blood pumping, and then you’ll check the clock and thirteen minutes have passed. You know?”

I opened my mouth, but she kept on going.

“And it’s only Wednesday! I’m insane, I know. I’m insane.

But do you know what I mean?”

I waited a few beats to make sure she was done. Her breathing was loud and labored.

“Um, yeah,” I said. “I guess.”

“Yes! So—you’ll help me?”

I frowned, started ripping up an old receipt. “I think you may have the wrong number.”

“Is this Eddie’s?”

“Oh, yeah. It is.”

“Then this is exactly the right number. You’re the only person who can help me.”

I remember shivering, wanting to wrap this woman in a blanket and make her a hot chocolate, fuck up anyone that even looked at her funny. “Okay, what can I do?”

“I need a large pepperoni-and-pickles pizza or my son will not eat.”

“I can put in an order for a large pepperoni pizza. We don’t have pickles as a topping, though.”

“I know you don’t. Nowhere out here does,” she said. “You’re the sixth place I’ve called.”

“So what are you asking?” I rubbed my lower back. It had been aching inexplicably the past couple of weeks. I figured it was the baby’s fault.

“We just moved here a month ago from North Dakota.

My husband got an amazing job offer and we love it here, all the palm trees, but our son, Adam, hates Los Angeles. He misses home, his friends, he doesn’t get along with his new baseball coach.” She sighed.

She continued: “He’s on a hunger strike. A couple days ago he came up to me and said, ‘Mommy, I’m not eating a damn thing until we go back to Bismarck.’ Can you believe that? Who has ever said that? Who likes Bismarck? And that potty mouth! Seven years old and already talking like a fucking sailor. How does that happen?”

I wasn’t even sure if she was talking to me anymore. I looked at the clock and saw that I’d been on the phone for over five minutes. It was the longest conversation I’d had with someone other than Mom or Billy in weeks. Darryl too, I guess, but that felt like it didn’t count.

“I’m sorry,” I said, “I just still don’t understand how I can help with this.”

“There was this pizza place back home that used to make the best pepperoni-and-pickles pizza. I swear, I’ve tried doing it myself, just ordering a regular old pepperoni pizza and putting the pickles on after. He said it wasn’t right, and when I asked him what wasn’t right about it, he just kept saying, ‘It’s not right,’ over and over, louder and louder, and wouldn’t stop until I yelled over him, ‘Okay, you’re right! It’s not right!’ ” She paused. “I just thought maybe if I could get him that pizza, something that reminded him of home, this silly hunger strike could end and he could start to love Los Angeles.”

There was a long pause. I would’ve thought she’d hung up if not for that loud, labored breathing.

When she spoke again, her voice was softer. I thought of birds with broken wings, glass vases so beautiful and fragile I was afraid to look at them for too long. “It just feels like I’ve been failing a lot lately,” she said. “I can’t even get dinner right.”

I thought of a night two years ago. Dad was still alive and living with us. The Bears game had just started. He wasn’t drunk yet, but by halftime he’d have finished at least a six-pack. Some nights, I was the best thing that ever happened to him, his pride, his joy; he talked often of buying us plane tickets to New York City and taking me to the top of the Empire State Building. On other nights, I was   a dumb bitch, a waste of space; sometimes he’d throw his empties at me. I didn’t want to find out what type of night it was. My window opened out onto the roof. I climbed out of it to sit and smoke, try to find stars in the sky. I was about to light up when I looked down and saw Mom’s car pull into the driveway.

I watched as she took the key from the ignition, killed the lights. I waited for her to come inside. She didn’t. She sat in the driver’s seat, just sat. Five minutes went by and she was still sitting, staring out the windshield. I wondered what she was staring at, if she actually was staring at anything, or if she was just thinking, or maybe trying not to think, just having a moment when nothing moved or mattered—I wished that she was at least listening to music. She sat and stared another ten minutes before going inside.

There was a supermarket not far from Eddie’s. Pickles were cheap. “What’s your address?” I asked.

The cooks eyed me funny when I came into  the  kitchen with a brown paper bag. They looked only slightly less nervous when I pulled a pickle jar out of it.

“It’s okay,” I said. “I’m just helping this lady out.” They stared blankly at me.

“Her kid isn’t eating.” Silence.

“Can you guys get me a large pepperoni?”

They looked at each other, shrugged, and started pulling the dough. I chopped a couple pickles into uneven slices and wedged myself between the cooks, sprinkled the pickles over the sauce, cheese, and meat. I told myself that it only looked off because it was raw, but the cooks didn’t seem to know what to make of it either. One sniffed it, another laughed, the third just stared and scratched his head. They eventually shrugged again and put the pizza in the oven.

While I waited, I walked out of the kitchen and to the front of the shop. Darryl was off the phone and back inside, pouring rum into a soda cup. We stared at each other for  a moment. His eyes were red and puffy; his face looked strange without a smile.

I coughed, just for something to do. “Any calls?”

“Just one,” he said. “Midway through, the guy decided he wanted Chinese and hung up.”

“Cool. I picked up one while you were—when you—” I coughed again. “Cool.”

I thought about asking him if he was okay, decided to mop the floor instead. Peter would be waking up soon and didn’t need much to start yelling at us. Darryl sipped his drink and wiped down the counter.

I mopped half the shop before my mind began to wander. There was a slip of paper in the back left pocket of my jeans with an address and the name Jenny Hauser scribbled above it.

“I’m Jenny, by the way. Jenny Hauser,” she’d said after she thanked me for the third time. “My grandma also had the same name. I don’t remember much about her except that she made real good rhubarb pie and hated black people.”

I’d thought she sounded too old to be a Jenny. She should be a Jen or a firm Jennifer—Jenny had a ponytail and scrapes on her knees, liked the crusts cut off of her PB and J’s, fought with her mom but always apologized, had never really been in love but had plenty of crushes on boys in her class, teachers who showed her kindness, Jenny believed in God and Kenny Chesney—I couldn’t stop imagining what she looked like.

“Yo,” Darryl hollered. “Order up.”

My dad didn’t have any money to leave us. He did have a ’99 Ford Festiva.

The paint job was faded, the driver’s door dented; there was a questionable yellow stain on the back seat; the A/C was broken, stuck on high, freezing air pumped through the car, even in the winter. Simply put, the car was a piece of shit.

I’d told Mom we should sell it for parts, take whatever we could get. She shook her head and said she couldn’t, she remembered him bringing it home for the first time. “He looked so handsome stepping out of it. He bought me flowers too,” she said. “Sunflowers.” I didn’t remember that. I did remember him teaching me to drive in it. He’d smoke and sip from his red thermos, flick ashes on me whenever I drove too slow or forgot to signal. Once, I sideswiped a car in a Popeyes parking lot and he made me iron his shirts and shine his shoes every Sunday night for a month.

When Mom got a new car last year—a used ’07 Toyota Camry that didn’t have dents or stains or broken radios, was a sleek shiny silver—she dropped the keys to the Festiva on my bedside table. I let the car sit in front of the house a week before I lost all willpower.

I spent that whole day driving, every song sounded good on full blast. It was a Los Angeles winter day, seventy and cloudless. Everything looked crisp and clean through the windshield. The full gas tank and the open road made my fingers and toes tingle. A man was selling oranges on the shoulder of a highway. I bought four bags and shouted along with a song that was about a girl and a goat and Missoula, Montana.

The radio was off when I was driving to Jenny’s house for the first time. My palms were sweaty against the steering wheel and I had that tight-chest feeling I sometimes got when I drank too much coffee. I hadn’t had any coffee for over a week. Billy said it was bad for the baby, he didn’t want to have a little girl or boy with twelve toes and poor reading skills.

The address took me to a nice part of town where all the homes were big and uniform with perfectly mowed front lawns. I saw three different golden retrievers being walked by three different women in tracksuits before I pulled up to her home. I was relieved to see that, though her home was big, it didn’t annoy me. It was one of the smaller ones on the block, and her lawn was slightly overgrown and yellowing in some places.

The coffee chest–feeling increased as I stepped out of my car and started walking to the front door. I appreciated then how good I felt on a daily basis, calm and centered, how little fazed me, my ability to walk tall and look straight ahead. Three weeks ago I peed on a stick, and when the little pink plus winked up at me, I walked downstairs, opened the freezer, and ate a Popsicle, thought about what I wanted to watch that night, a rom-com or an action movie—both would have broad-chested dudes, did I want to cry or see shit get blown up?

There was sweat in places I didn’t know I could sweat. I was confused why this instance of all instances was making me damp behind the knees, between my toes. As I knocked on Jenny’s door, three times hard, I reminded myself that she was just some lady with some kid. Then she opened the door and I wanted to take her hand and invite her to come with me whenever I ran away to Myrtle Beach.

Fiction By Contemporary Black Authors About Navigating White Supremacy

For those who have not been on the receiving end of the systemic violence of racism, and who are therefore responsible for dismantling it, the work begins with listening to the voices and experiences of those who have. For those who are subject to anti-Blackness every day, it can be valuable to see your experience reflected and understood. Either way, fiction offers a rich medium through which to explore themes as complex and weighty as navigating white supremacy as a Black person in contemporary America. If you’re looking to dive deeper into this subject, seeking either kinship or education, consider one of the following novels or story collections by contemporary Black authors who tackle it head on. 

Sing, Unburied, Sing by Jesmyn Ward 

Jesmyn Ward’s 2017 National Book Award winning novel belongs to the tradition of New Black Gothic; while there are literal ghosts in the story, what also haunts Ward’s Black characters is whiteness, white supremacy, and an intergenerational legacy of racial violence. Leonie and her 13-year-old son Jojo, both haunted by ghosts who have lost their lives to white violence, take a road trip across Mississippi (with Jojo’s toddler-age sister in tow) to pick up their father from the state penitentiary, a swampy odyssey fraught with dangers such as couriering meth and being stopped by racist white police officers.

We Cast a Shadow by Maurice Carlos Ruffin

We Cast a Shadow by Maurice Carlos Ruffin

What lengths will a father go to to protect his son from racism? An associate attorney at a law firm (and only Black member of the company’s diversity committee) worries about the growing black birthmark on his biracial son that will not fade even with the burn of skin-bleaching creams. Wanting a better life for his son than the bleak fate of prison or poverty that awaits Black men in a near-future hyper-racist American South, the unnamed protagonist struggles to get ahead at his job, so he can afford an expensive experimental “demelanization” treatment that will turn his son completely white.

Lakewood by Megan Giddings 

Medicine has often seen black bodies as subjects rather than patients—think the Tuskegee experiment, or Henrietta Lacks. Lakewood moves this historical reality into speculative fiction with the story of Lena Johnson, a young woman who signs up for a research study so she can get money and health insurance for her family. The sinister experiments she undergoes at the Lakewood Project are deeply rooted in Black Americans’ real-life experiences with medical research.

God Help the Child by Toni Morrison

God Help the Child by Toni Morrison

Nobel Prize winner Toni Morrison’s 2015 novel is a contemporary fairy tale about a girl, Lula Ann Bridewell, who is born such a dark shade of black that her mother will not touch her. It’s an exploration of the destructive effects of colorism—white supremacy turned inward on the Black community—by one of our most important Black authors.

Friday Black by Nana Kwame Adjei-Brenyah

Reading the surreal-yet-hyperreal stories of Friday Black is less upsetting than living in a country shaped by white supremacy, but only a little less. Gut-punching, unsparing, and weirdly funny, Adjei-Brenyah’s creations include a nightmarish zombified shopping mall, a cohort of young Black men dealing out vigilante revenge for a chainsaw massacre, and a theme park where white people go to hunt Black teens. 

Such a Fun Age by Kiley Reid

Such a Fun Age by Kiley Reid 

Emira Tucker, a young Black nanny, is at a fancy grocery store with her white charge when she is stopped by a security guard who accuses her of kidnapping 2-year-old Briar. But the novel isn’t about that. It’s about how seemingly-progressive white people use Black people as props to look “woke” and “cool.” It’s about the burden of constantly having to navigate the white gaze as a POC just trying to live your life.   

Real Life by Brandon Taylor

Real Life by Brandon Taylor

Electric Lit senior editor Brandon Taylor’s debut novel follows Wallace, a gay Black graduate student from Alabama in a Biology Ph.D. program at an overwhelmingly white midwestern university. Wallace must navigate a lonely landscape filled with racist microaggressions from supervisors, colleagues, and supposed friends, including a white female labmate who might be intentionally sabotaging his work in order to cover up her own inadequacies by casting herself as a victim. His at times tender, at times troubling new sexual relationship with fellow grad student Miller leads him to revisit painful memories from his past, while he contemplates whether he wants to spend his future in this academic world.

Riot Baby by Tochi Onyebuchi 

In this streamlined but powerful novel, a young Black woman is both protected and tormented by her supernatural powers. Ella can see the past and future, read minds, astral project, turn invisible, and move or destroy things with her mind—but for a Black American in a racist dystopian society that’s only getting worse, seeing the past and future is a burden. When Ella’s brother Kev, born during the 1992 L.A. riots, is arrested unjustly, Ella’s powers spur her towards revolution.

Welcome to Braggsville by T. Geronimo Johnson

D’aron, the protagonist of Johnson’s novel, grows up in the small Georgia town of Braggsville, suffering homophobic abuse before escaping to the more tolerant environs of the University of California, Berkeley. When he tells his new college friends that his hometown stages an annual Civil War reenactment, the group decide to travel there over spring break to crash it by staging the whipping and hanging of a slave. Events take a tragic turn, and D’aron must look deeper at the racist underpinnings of his town and the extent to which his education can be used to confront it.

The Revisioners by Margaret Wilkerson Sexton 

The Revisioners is a story of two black women, connected by lineage, that spans almost 100 years. In the present timeline, Ava, a mixed-raced single mom of a young son, moves in with Martha, her elderly declining white grandmother, out of financial necessity. In 1924, Josephine, a widowed former slave, owns a 300-acre farm and is prospering, but soon finds herself in danger when the white neighbor she befriends has ties to the Klan. Weaving timelines, The Revisioners shows the dangers that black bodies face even within their own community.  

The City We Became by N. K. Jemisin 

Gentrification is the enemy in this novel by multi-Hugo-winning N. K. Jemisin—which is to say, the enemy is a Lovecraftian monster that preys on white minds and spurs them to colonize and destroy cities. The heroes, meanwhile, are the avatars of New York: regular humans who have suddenly been upgraded to personifications of the five boroughs. This fun-but-serious adventure is going to be the first of a trilogy, so if you enjoy watching New York kick gentrification’s butt, you’re in luck.

The Sellout by Paul Beatty 

This Man Booker Prize winner is a satire so sharp it hurts. When his sociologist father (who used to do psychological experiments on him) is killed by the LAPD, the narrator dedicates himself to saving the town he grew up in—by bringing back segregation and slavery. The image of a Black man owning a slave drives some of the book’s breathtaking bite, but the rest comes from the narrator’s rambling, acerbic internal monologue.

7 True Stories About the Journey to Seek Asylum in the U.S.

On December 23rd 2016, Seidu Mohammed, a 24-year-old man traveled from Youngstown, Ohio to a bus station in Minneapolis. He was looking for a way out, a way forward. Seidu, who identified as bisexual, had left Ghana, where any form of homosexuality is punishable by at least three years in prison, and spent nearly a year traveling through South and Central America in order to apply for asylum in the U.S. After nine months in a detention facility, his plea was denied. He was released on bond while the government prepared to deport him. 

After the election of Donald Trump, Seidu received word of his imminent deportation and decided to flee to Canada, stopping in Minneapolis. By fate or circumstance, he met Razak Iyal, another asylum seeker from the same neighborhood in Ghana, who had ran afoul of a local politician, and who had also fled, fearing for his life. Together the two men decided to cross into Canada, having no idea about the harsh conditions and tragic consequences that lay ahead.

Seeking asylum in the United States often involves passing from one world of uncertainty into another. Seeking asylum in the United States often involves passing from one world of uncertainty into another, from facing the physical dangers of human smugglers, thieves, and treacherous jungle landscapes to enduring an interminable legal process and detention at for-profit facilities.

My book Between Everything and Nothing is a nonfiction account of Seidu and Razak’s experiences based on extensive in-person interviews with both men. It attempts to document some of the challenges and choices each man faced in leaving their homeland, traveling through South and Central America on foot and by bus, losing their asylum pleas, and deciding to cross into Canada only days after the election of Donald Trump. It is meant to serve as a testament to their determination, bravery, and commitment to political and social equality, often in the face of unendurable odds. 

Brother, I'm Dying by Edwidge Danticat

Brother, I’m Dying by Edwidge Danticat

Separated from her parents as a child, Danticat was raised by her uncle Joseph Dantica and his wife in Haiti. In 2004, her 81-year-old uncle fled the armed conflict between U.S. peacekeepers and Haitian gangs, and landed in Miami, where he was immediately placed in manacles. Two days later he was dead. Danticat’s blistering autobiography and memoir of her uncle captures the emotional cost many families suffer at the hands of the U.S.’s stultifying immigration policies.

Asylum Denied by David Ngaruri Kenney, Philip G. Schrag

Asylum Denied by David Ngaruri Kenney and Philip G. Schrag

This extremely engaging first-person account depicts Ngaruri’s harrowing experience as a local tea farmer in Kenya who criticizes the government and soon finds himself tortured and his life in danger. But it is Ngaruri’s harrowing travails in the wasteland of the U.S. asylum system and how he faces the government’s efforts to return him to Kenya that sheds a powerful light on bureaucratic injustices. 

The Devil's Highway

The Devil’s Highway by Luis Alberto Urrea

The fate of 26 men who attempt to cross the Mexican border into the southern Arizona desert is described in blistering, poetic detail. Facing Mexican federales, the U.S. Border Patrol, armed vigilantes, and the inhospitable, physical landscape, the men confront dangers both physical and deeply political while Urrea details longstanding policy failures on both sides of the border that lead individuals to put their lives into peril in exchange for some sense of the future.

Heading South, Looking North by Ariel Dorfman

Heading South, Looking North by Ariel Dorfman

Dorfman’s extraordinary account of escaping Pinochet’s 1973 military coup in Chile is told in a formally inventive style, recalling the duality and division migrants often experience during the immigration and asylum process. Through eight sections of his life before 1973 and eight after, Dorfman explores how language informed his identity and his political self and perhaps even led to some degree of personal freedom.

Enrique's Journey by Sonia Nazario

Enrique’s Journey: The True Story of a Boy Determined to Reunite with His Mother by Sonia Nazario

Based on Nazario’s series of Pulitzer-Prize winning series of articles, this novelistic biography captures the broad, physical dangers many asylum seekers undertake not only to attain some degree of safety, but also to be reunited with their loved ones. After being separated from his mother for eleven years, Enrique, a sixteen-year-old boy from Honduras, decides to make the dangerous trip to the U.S to find her, hanging on to the sides and tops of freight trains, facing smugglers, gangs, and corrupt police.

Call Me American

Call Me American by Abdi Nor Iftin

Iftin’s lively and poetic memoir follows his life as a young man in Mogadishu, Somalia, and the cultural and political differences between Somalia and the U.S. Finding his way into a video store, Iftin falls in love with American films and soon learns English, and later is known in his neighborhood as Abdi American. After al-Shabaab rises to power in 2006, Iftin flees to a Kenyan refugee camp and wins a lottery for a U.S. green card but must find a way to America, first living without papers in Nairobi with his brother and then with the help of several journalists. Optimistic and incandescent, Iftin’s story reshapes our expectations about how hope, even in the most difficult of circumstances, manages to survive.

Publishers Distributors Wholesalers Of The United States 2016 Free ...

Tell Me How It Ends: An Essay in 40 Questions by Valeria Luiselli

Concise, sharp, and overwhelmingly powerful, this essay follows the series of questions that Luiselli was forced to confront while working as a volunteer translator for unaccompanied minors in a federal immigration court in New York. Beginning with “why did you come to the United States?,” the often-illogical, imprecise, and downright xenophobic tendencies of the federal bureaucracies overseeing asylum and immigration are revealed alongside Luiselli’s own experience as a migrant navigating life in the United States only months before the 2016 election.

Leah Johnson Didn’t See Herself in YA Novels, so She Wrote Her Own

Leah Johnson’s debut YA novel, You Should See Me in a Crown, is about Liz Lighty, a queer black girl from Indiana who has always believed she was too poor and too awkward to make a mark in her small, rich town. Since the college financial aid money she depended on fell through, her only option is to run for prom queen, which has a scholarship attached. But along the way, Liz falls for the competition. 

You Should See Me in a Crown by Leah Johnson, Hardcover | Barnes ...

You Should See Me in a Crown shows queer black girls that they deserve joy. It is honest about systems that need to be dismantled but shows how magic can still happen despite. I read You Should See Me in a Crown and remembered what it was like to grow up in a mostly-white town. I rejoiced in the fact that there’s a love story here, and at the end, the black girl wins. 

Leah Johnson is a writer, editor, and graduate of Indiana University and Sarah Lawrence College, where she received her MFA in fiction writing and currently teaches in the undergraduate writing program. And she won’t let you forget that she’s a Midwesterner, hailing straight from Indiana. 

I talked to my friend Leah Johnson about making space for black girl joy, how familial love is just as important as romantic love, and the concept of breaking tradition when it was never created to benefit you.

Editor’s Note: Leah Johnson was formerly a social media editor for Electric Literature.


Arriel Vinson: You Should See Me in a Crown begins with a James Baldwin epigraph, “The place in which I’ll fit will not exist until I make it.” How did you land on this quote?

Leah Johnson: I read this quote when I was studying Black literature in undergrad, and it’s one of those lines I just wasn’t able to shake, you know what I mean? I was young, away from home for the first time, and learning how to take ownership of all of my identities—so it burrowed deep for no other reason than its resonance for me in that moment. That period of my life was the first where I began to conceptualize the sheer magnitude of all the systems working to—quite literally—kill the people that I loved. So I spent a lot of time thinking about ways to dismantle those systems, and what it would look like to build something in their stead that was more ethical, more equitable, more just than what we had. Than what we have.

How can I begin to write over all of the stories that told me I didn’t deserve to take up space? That said girls like me weren’t worthy of fairytale endings?

When I sat down to write Crown years later, it was in that same vein. How can I begin to write over all of the stories that told me I didn’t deserve to take up space? That said girls like me weren’t worthy of fairytale endings? How can I make within these pages a space that tells young black girls that they are loved, and that they fit, if nowhere else, then inside of their own bodies? I’ve said all of that to say, I was writing back to the girl I was when I first discovered that quote while also trying to pay homage to the queer black writers who opened the door for me to do that work.

AV: From the beginning, readers realize Liz has trouble believing in and making space for herself as a queer black girl. Tell me more about this. 

LJ: You know what? It’s funny, since I’ve been quarantining at my parents’ house, I’ve gone back to the books I read when I was in high school and whew chile. Let me tell you, that’s been a journey. So many of the books I read when I was growing up were riddled with anti-blackness— and not just implied anti-blackness, either! I mean characters fully saying things along the lines of: Ew I would never date someone who looks/acts/speaks in ways that are coded as black. I was consuming so many of these narratives about who deserves good, beautiful things, and none of those narratives included girls like me. And it took me a long time to untangle all of that.

Liz Lighty is growing up in a town that is very small, very white, and very wealthy—all things Liz herself is not. She’s constantly surrounded by people reminding her, whether implicitly or explicitly, that they don’t believe she’s worthy of the same freedoms and privileges that they have. So she’s internalized shame, she’s espoused silence with survival, and she’s made herself small as a means of navigating her community. When you view your blackness as exclusive to how it relates to whiteness, your understanding of self is not only flawed but incomplete, you know what I mean? So I knew all of that needed to be part of Liz’s arc: shattering these expectations of the Good Minority, learning to take up space, figuring out what it means to enter every room as a whole person—all of that.

AV: Prom, of course, is a huge deal for Campbell County HS and the main event of the novel. It’s supposed to be a magical thing, but it’s also the cause of a lot of humiliation for Liz. How did the idea to make prom both a source of joy and pain come about? 

It shouldn’t be radical that a black, queer girl could be a prom queen in 2020, but it’s still practically unheard of.

LJ: I think it’s important to note here that prom eventually becomes a thing of celebration for Liz, but it couldn’t be that way at the beginning just by virtue of the way the community was constructed. It becomes something magical for her, but only once she starts making it her own. That’s at the heart of the novel, I think, and also returns to your first question about the epigraph. Black folks, queer folks, black queer folks are constantly building tables of our own (and rebuilding them once white people attempt to co-opt them) because we’ve never been offered seats at America’s. Rebirth and reinvention are in our nature.

But none of that can exist without resistance, which brings with it its own set of conflicts. So in taking this very American institution of prom—something that, at its core, is extremely white and heteronormative—and making an out-and-proud black girl with big hair its new face, I had to write through that duality. Which is awkward, and uncomfortable, and downright painful at times. I mean, it shouldn’t be radical that a black, queer girl could win a prom queen title in 2020, but in more small towns across this country than I could count, it’s still practically unheard of. So if Liz was gonna pave the way, I wanted her to do it in a way that felt honest, but also, like, super gay.

AV: You’ve mentioned that you came out as you were writing this novel. And for Liz, her family and friends are extremely supportive, which I know isn’t always the case. How did your coming out affect the way you wrote You Should See Me in a Crown?

LJ: This book forced me to hold up a mirror to myself in a lot of ways that I wasn’t expecting. I had to confront a lot of fear and shame that I had tied up in what it means to be queer and—though this doesn’t make it into the book—Christian. My coming out was such a deeply cathartic experience because I had always anticipated that the people in my life would reflect the shame I’d been holding onto back to me, but that wasn’t the case. That was purely projection. I was held with care, and love, and tenderness, and reminded that I’m not worth loving in spite of my queerness, but because of the whole of who I am. When I worked on the first draft of Crown, writing that type of love and acceptance for Liz was just wish fulfillment. I wanted so much for her to have the type of experience I feared I would never have. I’ve never in my life been happier to be proven wrong.

AV:  Despite all that’s at stake for Liz, she still has a swoon-worthy romance with Mack, the new girl who is also running for prom queen. What was it like writing a love story for a black girl learning about her queerness and learning how to stand in it fully? 

LJ: If there’s one vow I want to make now, at the beginning of what I hope is a long career in this business, is that in my books, black girls are going to always get two things: happy endings and storybook, sometimes-whirlwind, romances. So even if I one day write a Twilight Zone-esque, end-of-the-world, dystopian novel, just know there’s gonna be a black girl standing at the edge of the universe having a meet-cute so sweet it’ll rot your teeth. In my Tyra Banks voice: Give us real-world issues, but temper it with tenderness.

It’s important to me that stories about black girls get to have space for that joy. Liz isn’t out here trying to win the Nobel for race relations and gay rights, you know what I mean? She just wants to be black and visibly queer in public without fear of being on the recieving end of some sort of violence. Black women, so often are held to unreasonable expectations of strength and stoicism and sexlessness, so in this book, I wanted to relieve Liz of all that. And by extension, myself.

There’s a scene—and I don’t want to spoil anything—but there’s a scene where Liz is finally given permission to just be a kid who worries about dances and girlfriends and best friend drama, and it’s this massive relief to her. She’s been holding onto all of this tension and fear for most of the book, and she finally gets to let it go. And I didn’t realize how badly I needed that until I wrote it. Sometimes, as a teenager, I just needed someone to say, “Hey, this isn’t yours to carry on your own anymore. I’ve got you. I’ve always had you.” 

AV: You Should See Me in a Crown does a great job of interrogating class and race. Liz is from a poor, black family, works part-time, and needs scholarship money to attend her dream school. What made you critique class structures, and why do you think that’s necessary work in a YA novel?  

LJ: Writing for young people is a job I take really seriously, because it’s about more than books. More than any other genre or marketing category, it’s the job of the YA novel, I think, to help shape young people into more equitable, honest, empathetic humans. So I never want to write down to teenage readers—they deserve more from me than that. They deserve someone who is going to tell them the truth.

Black women are often held to unreasonable expectations of strength, stoicism, and sexlessness. So I wanted to relieve my character of all that.

You know this, because I won’t shut up about it, but I talk a lot about the idea of “clean” YA—books that are supposed to uphold this mythical idea of purity and homogeneity—and what kinds of kids get excluded from those types of stories. And the thing that always stuns me about that distinction is that it obfuscates the experiences of a lot of the teenagers I teach now, and the type of teenager I was. Young people aren’t separate from dealing with issues we usually code as adult.

Teenagers wrestle with finances, with caring for their families, with keeping their heads above water—all while not being given the same agency as adults to work through those things, and often without having the language to talk about what they’re experiencing. So if fiction is the place I went as a teenager to have my experiences reflected back to me, or to make me feel less alone, then it should speak directly to the world that we live in—every messy, complicated, flawed bit of it. 

AV: I love the relationships present in the novel — familial relationships, friendships, etc. Why are these relationships so important in You Should See Me in a Crown, and arguably as important as her romantic relationship? 

LJ: Thank you for saying that. I know you’re my friend, so you know how important making non-romantic love a core aspect of my novels is to me, but I still appreciate the question. 

My families fuel so much of my work, you know, blood and otherwise, that I’m not sure I know how to write a story that isn’t constantly circling around themes of familial ties and obligation and deep, unconditional love. Liz’s sense of duty to her family emerged really early in the drafting process for me because that’s what I know. Most of my life has been spent making decisions that, hopefully, move the people that got me here towards a safer, more comfortable future. At the heart of my spiritual practice is this idea of reciprocity: because goodness has been given to me, it’s my duty to give that goodness back in the ways that I can.

Platonic relationships—more than any romance I’ve ever had—taught me how to love. How to be a decent human. Being in community is what sustains me, spiritually and creatively. So, in all of my work I try to speak to that, whether that person you love loves you back in the end, the people who were there for you before the relationship will be there for you after. But then again, my friend Cody once said to me, “What are we if not a little in love with all our friends?” So maybe it’s all tied up in a messy knot of affections in the end anyway.

AV: You said, in a video for Scholastic, that You Should Me in a Crown is the kind of novel you needed as a 15-year-old black girl. Tell me more about that.

LJ: A few years ago, Electric Lit published an essay of mine about the lack of diversity in YA, and that essay is what opened the door for me to eventually publish You Should See Me in a Crown. I’d spent a lot of time looking back at the books I read when I was a kid, a lot of time thinking about what was missing from them, and knew that all I wanted to do was write into those empty spaces. And I’m really fortunate in that I ended up with an agent and an editor and publisher who all saw the vision and have worked incredibly hard to cultivate a book that speaks to all of those things.

In the time since I wrote that essay, YA’s come a long way. We’re in a really exciting time of redefining the canon of young adult fiction. There are more queer books and books led by POC main characters on shelves right now than ever before. But it’s still not enough. You can look at the Lee and Low breakdown or the We Need Diverse Books stats at the end of the year and they’ll tell you as much. And it’s not that we haven’t been out here doing The Work. It’s not that we haven’t always been writing and pitching and hustling and submitting. It’s that we’re just now being given the space. 

That’s more than you asked probably, but I said all that to say: while You Should See Me in a Crown is the book I wish I’d had when I was fifteen, I can’t wait until every black girl has their unique experience captured within the pages of a book. I can’t wait until there are too many of us out here publishing those stories to name. 

Black Authors Discuss Being Black in America

Every person of conscience right now is experiencing deep anger, either as or on behalf of Black Americans. If you’re looking for works that reflect your rage, or help clarify the rage of others, we’ve collected some of our favorite interviews with authors who are shedding light on the experience of living as a Black American under white supremacy.


Photo by Alex Holyoake

White Supremacy Is America’s Original Pyramid Scheme

Ijeoma Oluo, author of So You Want to Talk About Race, on the roots of police brutality, the model minority myth, and the school-to-prison pipeline

“From the very beginning of the police forces we’ve had two separate mandates—to control Black people and to protect white people. It’s important to know that this is in the DNA. This is how our police forces were started.”

“Friday Black” Is a Brutal, Brilliant Satire of American Racism and Capitalism

Nana Kwame Adjei-Brenyah talks to Mychal Denzel Smith about how working in retail inspired his book

“There’s all types of violence that we sort of just learn to deal with. There’s violence like ‘I’m gonna kill you’ and there’s violence like erasure. There’s violence like silencing. Maybe we shouldn’t just accept these things.”

Gold medalist Tommie Smith (center) and bronze medalist John Carlos (right) showing the raised fist on the podium after the 200 m race at the 1968 Summer Olympics; both wear Olympic Project for Human Rights badges.

A Handbook for Fighting Racism in America

Ibram X. Kendi, author of How to Be an Antiracist, on working towards equality in an era of rising nationalism and white supremacy

“Every single person on Earth has the power to resist racism, and there are people who are using and recognizing that power and there are people who are not.”

Black Lives Matter spray painted on a wall

Writing About Black Lives Matter in 2019

Melanie S. Hatter on Malawi’s Sisters and telling stories straight from the headlines

“I wasn’t writing about the movement, but in creating a story like this, in this world that we’re in right now, you can’t write a story like this and not talk about Black Lives Matter.”

Photo by Rui Silvestre

Where Can a Young Black Man Find Belonging in America?

Gabriel Bump, author of Everywhere You Don’t Belong, on how diversity meetings turn into white guilt parties with bad snacks

“The cops don’t care about the different ideologies within the community. They see each citizen as a threat.”

Finding Black Boy Joy In A World That Doesn’t Want You To

Darnell Moore’s memoir No Ashes in the Fire thinks deeply about trauma and healing

“I am still thinking through what communal healing might look like — one that centers those who have been harmed and seeks to aid the wrongdoer in their quest for atonement and transformation — that does not begin and end with punishment or incarceration.”

Photo by Luke Southern

Why Is Dying in America So Expensive?

Megan Giddings, author of Lakewood, on how our racist, capitalist medical system exploits Black bodies

“Don’t you think that the American dream, at least for people of color in this country, is the ultimate destruction of who you are?”

Girl standing on smoke-filled street
Photo by ActionVance

A Superhero Fueled by Righteous Anger

In Tochi Onyebuchi’s Riot Baby, Ella’s psychic gifts carry all the energy of a political protest

“One of the things that I’m constantly noticing is that the powers-that-be will try to quell that anger and try to police how protests happen. ‘Oh, you shouldn’t be blocking the freeways. Oh, you shouldn’t be making so much noise. There are better ways to protest.’ In each instance, they’re trying to leach the protestors of their anger.”

Austin Channing Brown Wants to Save Black Women Some Emotional Labor

Her memoir I’m Still Here covers womanhood, race, religion, and white nonsense

“When you think about the full weight of slavery, when you think about the full weight of lynching, when you think about the full weight of segregation and how hard white Americans fought for segregation, when you think about genocide and the Chinese Exclusion Act, when you think about what people of color have endured for the sake of white supremacy, that is extraordinarily powerful.”

What Does It Mean to Be “Black Enough”?

Chris L. Terry’s Black Card grapples with biracial identity

“Don’t get me wrong, white people should feel guilty for every bit of privilege that they’ve had, but I want to see that guilt turned into something constructive. Stop wringing your hands and put them to work.”

Window with heart-shaped hole

In Danez Smith’s Poems, Love and Violence Live Hand in Hand

The poems in Homie center friendship and intimacy, but don’t dodge harder issues

“When do you choose violence? What is our own capacity for violence? I think poetry can be a safer place to ask dangerous questions but people expect the answers to involve peace and love.”

Survival Math book cover

Who Gets to Be All-American?

Mitchell S. Jackson’s memoir Survival Math explores growing up Black in one of the whitest cities in America

“I claim that the people who are subjugated, oppressed, disenfranchised — and despite those harms, maintain some sense of national pride — might be the most American.”

Queer Storytelling Keeps the AIDS Crisis From Being Erased

Few books are able to oscillate the fine line between now and then while also invoking a sense of urgency, a reminder to bear witness to the institutional negligence of the past and to actively resist when it resurfaces in the future—like it is now amidst the COVID-19 pandemic. Carter Sickel’s The Prettiest Star is that mirror of accountability, a reflection of how a society has or has not changed after a shift in collective consciousness, specifically during the AIDS epidemic. It is a stark reminder of the plight of so many young gay men and sounds the alarm that the fight for healthcare equality is far from over. 

February Grace Notes | Mac's Backs-Books on Coventry

At eighteen, Brian leaves his small-town Appalachian life and family behind in pursuit of freedom and acceptance in New York City. Over the course of six years, Brian would watch as AIDS claimed members of his community, his friends, and, ultimately, his lover. Infected himself, Brian makes the decision to return home to die, to return to a place where he would be ostracized from his community, from his own family, but chooses that over a city filled with memories of loss. The Prettiest Star tests the elasticity of love and understanding, and proves that pockets of both—even in a place that overwhelmingly rejects you and deploys constant reminders that you are not welcome—can be found.

While it is a somber remembrance of the 40,000 lives claimed, it is a testament to the love and endurance of community and family, both chosen and not, and a confirmation of what we know to be true: Sickels shines bright with The Prettiest Star


Greg Mania: Why is it still important to tell stories—both fictional and not—from the era of the AIDS pandemic?

This country still hasn’t faced the magnitude of the cruelty and grief of the AIDS crisis or its lingering effects. And, AIDS is not over—there is still no cure.

Carter Sickels: We need to tell and keep telling all kinds of queer stories, and stories of our queer past—to remember and acknowledge, but also to figure out where we are now and possibilities for the future. History has a way of erasing, silencing, and distorting queer voices. There is this essay called, “I’ll Be Somewhere Listening for My Name” by Melvin Dixon, a gay Black writer who died from AIDS complications in 1992, and he said queers must “guard against the erasure of our experiences and our lives,” and I kept coming back to this when I was writing The Prettiest Star. This country still hasn’t faced the magnitude of the cruelty and grief during the AIDS crisis or its lingering effects. And, AIDS is not over—there is still no cure.

GM: David Bowie is pretty prevalent in this book: from the title to little nods interspersed throughout. What does David Bowie mean to you, personally, and why was his influence so important in ushering in many of the themes in this book?

CS: I didn’t listen to Bowie in high school—I came to his music later—but my character Brian, who grew up in the 1970s, discovers his music when he’s still just a kid. For Brian, like for so many young queers, Bowie shook his world in the best way: this electric and glamorous free being who embraced gender fluidity, who represented queerness and sexuality without shame. Bowie shows Brian another way of life exists outside the confines of his small town. While I was writing the novel, David Bowie died, and I couldn’t stop listening to his music or reading about him, and his influence in the novel grew to this god-like presence. His songs gave me a way to frame the different sections, and, of course, the title comes from Bowie.

GM: This book, as beautiful and affecting as it is, is heavy in terms of its subject-matter. As a reader, I had to take breaks to emotionally digest. How did you take care of yourself while writing it?

CS: A lot of the research I did was emotionally difficult. I read articles and books, and watched videos and documentaries, looked at photographs and art—and some of it gutted me. There are so many moving and brilliant examples. The documentary We Were Here, directed by David Weissman, about the AIDS crisis in San Francisco during the 80s and 90s, is a beautiful, poignant testament to grief and loss, and to the resilience of the queer community. But the film also captures just how young so many of these men were. So, yes, at times I felt raw and heartbroken—but more so in the research than in the writing itself, when my focus was on the work of writing: developing scenes, paying attention to each sentence, every word. I wanted to be honest to the trauma and grief of the AIDS crisis, as well as to the strength of love—to write a book that’s emotionally complex, that will make you feel and think.

GM: Paul Lisicky’s latest memoir, Later: My Life at the Edge of the World, which came out just a few weeks ago, is a dispatch from Provincetown during the AIDS crisis in the early 90s. What kind of unique power does fiction wield when talking about this period of time?

CS: I just received Paul’s book in the mail, and can’t wait to start it—I heard him read from it, and it was just stunning. We need all kinds of fearless and heartbreaking stories about the AIDS crisis. Memoirs can document a time and place with such powerful intimacy: the author was there, and these are his personal memories. Fiction, of course, doesn’t require autobiographical content, but you’re still putting yourself on the page. I love writing fiction for some of the same reasons I love reading it—to disappear into the world of the novel, to walk in others’ shoes and inhabit their lives, to feel enlightened and challenged, changed.

GM: To say that this novel is timely—in the time of COVID-19 and how our administration is handling it—would be a profound understatement. What is the message you are trying to convey in this regard?

As a queer trans man, I understand how difficult it can be to come out and to experience rejection—and writing into that vulnerability wasn’t always easy.

CS: This is such a difficult question because right now we’re right in the midst of this global pandemic, and things are changing so rapidly from day to day. I started the novel in 2013, during the Obama years—a different time, a different world. I finished the novel long before the outbreak of COVID-19, and it’s been very strange and surreal to experience my novel coming out during this global emergency and chaos. I don’t want to draw any quick or simple parallels between this and the AIDS crisis—40,000 people died of AIDS and six years passed before Reagan even mentioned AIDS in a speech. Still, I think we very much should look back at that time—to learn from the queer community and AIDS activists, how to survive a cruel, and in this case, highly incompetent, administration. I’m wary of messages in books—but maybe aspects of the novel will resonate differently now: how will we support each other, how do we build community and embrace compassion and kindness, what kind of society do we want to be?

GM: And lastly, my favorite question to ask my authors: what did you learn about yourself while writing this book?

CS: Great question. In the four or five years I spent writing The Prettiest Star, I certainly wrestled with my own doubts: who was I to write this story, and was this story worth telling? So, maybe something I learned about myself was that I could work through these doubts, that my commitment to the writing, and that the story and characters, carried me. Though Brian’s story isn’t my story, as a queer trans man, I understand something about how difficult it can be to come out and to experience rejection—and writing into that pain and vulnerability wasn’t always easy. I taped a quote by one of my favorite authors, Dorothy Allison, above my desk, for inspiration: “The best fiction comes from the place where the terror hides, the edge of our worst stuff. I believe, absolutely, that if you do not break out in that sweat of fear when you write, then you have not gone far enough.”