The Best Book Is the One You Can’t Remember

One Saturday when I was very small, probably only 4 or 5 years old, my father took me and my brother to our local library. I sat on one of the tiny chairs (an attraction in themselves), towered over by creaking shelves stacked with books of all ages, forms, sizes, shapes, colors. A librarian handed me two tickets, stiff card, colored a municipal green-grey, my name written on them in an institutional hand. They felt powerful; they made me feel powerful. Not only was I being recognized as an autonomous citizen for the first time, granted membership in a serious institution, but I now also had the possibility of picking anything I liked from the laden shelves then taking it home for a week before returning to repeat the process. (Last year, on beginning work at an academic institution, when handed a barcoded piece of plastic with my picture on it, I felt something of the same glow.)

The small local library (still there, I am pleased to note, despite severe cuts to library services in the U.K.), seemed enormous to me, its treasures surely endless. Early on, there was one book I borrowed that enchanted me. I wasn’t a strong reader at the time, but remember the book intensely. Not the plot, mind, nor much about the characters. I certainly can’t remember anything as helpfully specific as the title or the author. I distinctly remember a house being on fire, at night, a palpable sense of both danger and excitement. Later, I seem to remember melancholy, or sadness, the characters having to set out on a journey. I’m pretty sure fireworks appeared at one point. A family was involved, the protagonists a pair of siblings, perhaps. It was illustrated, I’m sure, but sparsely, pencil drawings in muted colours. Not much to go on, a librarian or bookseller’s nightmare when a customer walks in and asks for it, certainly, but the atmosphere that book created and the feeling it provoked in me was vivid, indelible.

I wasn’t a strong reader at the time, but remember the book intensely. Not the plot, mind, nor much about the characters. I certainly can’t remember anything as helpfully specific as the title or the author.

It stayed with me, as books can do, and a few weeks later I decided I wanted to read it again, but was unable to find it on the shelves. I had an idea the cover was red, mostly. I looked through every red book on the shelves. It wasn’t there. I thought I may have accidentally taken it from the ‘teenage’ shelves, so looked there, to find nothing. I may even have asked a librarian who couldn’t help me (no computerized records of lending then.) I never found it.

I’ve been looking for that book ever since.

No bookshop, the older and dustier the better, is safe from my attempts to rifle its shelves; no library containing a neglected children’s section will be spared my attempt to track down that missing volume.

And yet, I know full well that were anyone ever to say, “Oh yes, I know exactly that book you’re looking for,” and hand it to me, in pristine condition or terribly tattered, I’d be disappointed. Partly, it’s the search for the book that’s the pleasure, an excuse to endlessly trawl book vendors of all stripes. Mostly, though, I fear its reality: in my mind, that book can be anything I like. If it were real, it would have to be what it is, and nothing more.

In my mind, that book can be anything I like. If it were real, it would have to be what it is, and nothing more.

Books have a strange relationship with memory. I have sometimes been convinced that a certain book contains a lengthy, rapturous, intricately-detailed description of a place, or a clear yet careful elucidation of a complex idea, only to go back and find a scant couple of sentences. On the other hand, there are entire chunks of books that my memory elides (did anyone else forget the whole second half of Wuthering Heights?). I was pleased when a well-known writer (and yes, I’m afraid I’ve completely forgotten who) recently remarked that they couldn’t remember plots at all, only characters and settings. Two fans of the same book may each remember a different experience entirely.

Indeed, two readers of the book may experience something different entirely: a book isn’t just a collection of words on a page, but our emotional and intellectual engagement with it, the context we read it in, or the stage of life we’re at when we read it. Our impressions or understanding of a book can be affected by what we think we know about the author, or the fact that someone you don’t like told you it was great, or by the fact you’d just fallen in love the first time you read it, or maybe the cover matched your favorite shirt. All these influence how we remember, or mis-remember, the things.

A book isn’t just a collection of words on a page, but our emotional and intellectual engagement with it, the context we read it in, or the stage of life we’re at when we read it.

Re-reading after a long interval can be a haphazard pleasure. We may indulge in immersing ourselves in our pasts again, or perhaps find previously unearthed treasures, or — quite possibly — remain faintly disappointed. When I was thinner, younger, and somewhat more intense, a book to be seen with was Milan Kundera’s The Unbearable Lightness of Being. I remember making sure its smart red jacket poked out of my pocket for a good while toward the end of the 1980s: I thought I loved its narrative swerves and shows of the author’s hand, the philosophical enquiry, the heavyweight references, the political heft, the obliquely glamorous Prague setting, the meditations on chance and destiny. (And yes, in my memory this has somehow got mixed up with the film I’m not sure I’ve ever actually seen all the way through.)

No, I Can’t Picture That: Living Without a Mind’s Eye

I’ve long since lost the book. I suspect I gave it away to someone in an attempt to impress them, someone who remained resolutely unimpressed, and I have — occasionally — thought about going back and reading it again. But I won’t, for fear it should have aged worse than I have, for fear it would feel clunky and hectoring, for fear that protagonist Tomáš would reveal himself the sexist git I suspected he was even then.

Unlike the childhood book I scarcely remember, I fear I remember The Unbearable Lightness of Being only too well. Going back to it may mean having to go through the excruciating process of being myself again, as a callow 20 year-old. It’s better, I think, in this case to take what I remember about the book and consider how it can be useful for me now: its mixture of essay and story, of history and fiction, its shifts in tone and register, its digressions, its wide-ranging intellectual curiosity.

It’s better, I think, in this case to take what I remember about the book and consider how it can be useful for me now.

And yet, there are also those books we cannot re-read, either because they’ve got lost or have vanished, or because our own faculties fail us and we simply cannot remember what they are.

What can we do with them? The same thing, I’d argue. Take what you do remember, or at least what you think you remember, and build your story from that. you may never find the lost book, or even want to find it, but what you can discover in the search for it may be invaluable.

In his book Not To Read Alejandro Zambra claims we “write only when others haven’t written the book we want to read. That’s why we write one of our own, one that never turns out to be what we wanted it to be.” So I have tried, but even that attempt will never stop me grubbing through second hand bookshops and old libraries, looking for that experience I hope I may, one day, be able to recreate.

Chelsey Johnson’s ‘Stray City’ Deals with Queer Reality, Not Queer Theory

When I moved to Virginia to begin my MFA, I had a girlfriend as handsome as a star. She held my hand at the kickoff barbecue and accompanied me to the welcome drinks gathering, but after an appropriate amount of strife and struggle, we split up. When I eventually brought around a new beau, one of the guys in my program wiggled his eyebrows. Yes? “He’s a man,” this guy sputtered. And? “I thought you were a, you know,” he said, tugging at his collar button, “gay.”

I understood his confusion, yet it was not the confusion that struck me so much as the other feelings: the fear, the animus. That guy in my program regarded my “new guy” with suspicion, touching only the tips of his fingers when he offered a handshake, as if he were a bomb that might detonate. My queer friends felt betrayed by this new development and stopped inviting me to queer events, queer organizing meetings. My new boyfriend was much more of an activist than my old girlfriend had been, but this didn’t matter. One friend could only say his name in a rush, pushing it up against other words in case it was contagious. It came from me too, don’t get me wrong — this recalibration messed with my identity. I had been straight, then gay, then bi, then queer, and now I was going to date a guy again? Was I real? Did I still belong to the outsiders who had made me?

Into this space comes Chelsey Johnson’s much-anticipated debut novel Stray City, which tells the story of a lesbian-identified woman named Andrea who suddenly finds herself involved in a sexual gray zone with a man and with the idea of being a mother. This ambivalence, between Andrea’s commitment to wanting the things a “good lesbian” should want and the things she finds she wants, is in many ways the engine of the book. What happens, Johnson asks us, when doing the politically liberating thing is at odds with your body’s actual desires?

The context of Stray City is essential: it is in many ways the story of how the loose queer communities we move in now worked when they were at their tightest. The book’s first two parts unfold in pre-gentrified Portland, during the years 1998–1999, when, as Johnson puts it, “queer survival was still not guaranteed.” Matthew Shepard had just been beaten and left to die on that Montana fence, and the film Boys Don’t Cry, chronicling the murder of Brandon Teena in Nebraska, had just been released. Johnson’s protagonist is herself from Nebraska. “And in all the miles and miles of green fields stretching toward the horizon as far as I could see from the end of our driveway, there was not a single place for that feeling to exist, except inside me,” writes Johnson, in some of the loveliest and most complex writing about rural queer awareness I’ve yet read.

What happens, Johnson asks us, when doing the politically liberating thing is at odds with your body’s actual desires?

For this queer woman reader, to see characters like me and my friends rendered with an expert — and insider — hand is pure pleasure; you’ve never seen the fierce loyalty and tenderness and humor that is the very lifeblood of a queer ecosystem depicted quite like this. Andrea is soon enveloped by the vibrant community of queers and punks and musicians that made up Portland life in the late ’90s, even finding her chosen family with a group of cool dykes known as the “Lesbian Mafia.” But the Lesbian Mafia has rules, it is its own kind of system. “It seemed in our urgency to redefine ourselves against the norm,” writes Johnson, “we’d formed a church of our own, as doctrinaire as any, and we too abhorred a heretic.”

Systems are made so we can break them. Andrea meets a cis man named Ryan one night, a gentle drummer with a philosophy of non-attachment. They kiss, they fuck; Andrea vows never to see him again, then does, and does again. Is she attracted to him? Doesn’t know. Does she love him? Can’t say.

“I asked myself, What was it like?” writes Johnson, after Andrea and Ryan share penis in vagina sex for the first time. “And I answered, Like sex…I closed my eyes and imagined a harness and a girl behind it, but this patch of fur around his navel kept rubbing against me, animal-like.” No matter how many ways Andrea tries to lean in or out of her connection to Ryan, she cannot quite seem to find purchase. They fuck again, and Andrea gets pregnant. At one point they engage in a passive aggressive karaoke battle to try to figure out who they are to each other. Lover? Friend? Their connection is perhaps best understood as a kind of fellow feeling or the tenderness that can flow, once or twice in a lifetime, between two artists.

Yet the world, as it tends to do, rises up to categorize. Andrea’s friends find out and kick her out of the Lesbian Mafia. Ryan wants her to be his girlfriend.

‘Call Me By Your Name‘ Finally Shows the Kind of Bisexual Narrative I Want to See

I didn’t stay with that guy in Virginia. Instead I went on to have several important relationships with women, but my most recent ex is a man. While my ideal partner is probably a non-cis man who presents masculine, there are at least twenty times more cis men on dating sites; add in the fact that I like weird books and it’s plain that the numbers are really against me. There was a moment with this most recent fellow when he looked at me in the light from his bare bulb and called me his girlfriend. I agreed. “But,” I said, “I’m still queer.” “If you’re with me now,” he wanted to know, “why does that matter?” “It matters,” I said, “because it’s who I am.” We didn’t last a year.

In Johnson’s book, it’s not clear how much Ryan needs to claim Andrea in some legible arrangement, but it’s clear he needs it a little bit, and that she fears this need in him as much as I feared it. “Why does it matter if people look at us and assume you’re straight?” that fellow asked me. I don’t know. It didn’t make sense. “It matters,” was all I could say, over and over again.

At its best, Stray City illuminates the ways that subjective experience and truth are always pressed up against objective systems of thought, particularly about marriage, family, and sexuality. In an interview, Johnson described the mainstream heteronormative imperative as the expectation “to pair up, marry, and reproduce.” Some queers decide to follow these instructions and others decide to resist them; Stray City shows us how these differences can create fault lines much deeper than the assigned sex of the partner you choose.

As a queer person open to dating people of any gender and as an artist not necessarily looking for a partner with whom to reproduce, I often feel less comfortable and less politically sympatico with married lesbians who have kids than I do with my straight single lady artist friends. It can be hard, even impossible, for queer people who love each other but who have made different choices about these systems to stay in loving community together.

It can be hard, even impossible, for queer people who love each other but who have made different choices about these systems to stay in loving community together.

These are uncomfortable truths that I wished Johnson’s novel had pushed on even more deeply. In Stray City, Andrea decides to keep the baby, and the perfect butch lover ultimately appears for her, completing the nuclear trio. Andrea’s best friend Meena, who resists being coupled or reproducing, at first rejects Andrea for her transgression into straight world but quickly takes her back without much struggle, and queer order is restored.

Perhaps what I’m really questioning here is the idea that any specifically queer family can provide me with shelter from the storm. As someone who is not queer in the “right” way, i..e the most stable and legible and politically helpful way, I’ve never had one that feels right, and the family that has sheltered me has been a broad coalition of queers yes, but also writers and straight people who live in the woods off the grid. I worry that Johnson’s notions of queer family are nostalgic or no longer possible, a notion left over from a time when we had fewer choices and that scarcity bound us together and bound us better.

Andrea decides to keep her baby in part so that it might become “one of those Portland kids who had always seen piercings and tattoos, who knew what a heroin addict looked like, what a gay person looked like, what a protest looked like.”

Though I grew up on the other coast, I was such a kid. Yet I feel just as confused and ambivalent about what makes a partnership as Andrea, and about what makes a body, and a sexuality. What, I would like to know, happens now?

How Applying to Grad School Becomes a Display of Trauma for People of Color

A few years back, I had the misguided notion that I would get a Ph.D. in English literature; I hoped to remain within the safe confines of academia, the only place I’d thus far thrived. During a meeting with my advisor, she fervently counseled against the Ph.D., telling me about the difficulties of success and the job hunt. Then she paused.

“Can you close the door?” she asked, hesitating slightly.

I stood and shut the door to her office, confused about the sudden need for privacy.

“Can I ask what your background is?”

It took me a moment to understand the question, but I quickly said, “Oh, I’m Egyptian.” She squinted, as if thinking of how to proceed.

“I probably shouldn’t say this,” she said, “but play that up. Ph.D. programs love hearing about that. Talk about it in your personal statement.”

Her stance suddenly switched, and rather than advise against the Ph.D., she spoke as though she were passing down some secret wisdom — a way to game the system and achieve unlimited success through some sort of minority trauma story. I went home and laughed, and although I knew my minority status didn’t guarantee anything, I also realized she was right. My best bet of garnering an admission officer’s attention was to play up my background.


A personal statement for a Ph.D. program is tricky for a number of reasons. You are required to talk about yourself — hence the “personal” — but also to talk about your research and somehow seamlessly connect both. At that time, I was studying modernist literature, and I wrote my thesis on James Joyce and Nietzsche. I remember sitting in my room attempting to put together some loosely connected thoughts on Joyce, Egypt, and my cultural upbringing. I still have a document titled “Personal statement ideas” saved on my computer in a folder called “Ph.D. stuff.”

At that time, we were also right in the midst of the Arab Spring, and the Egyptian revolution had happened fairly recently. So I began my personal statement with a story about watching the revolution’s footage on the news and discussing what freedom meant to me. Then, in the middle of the second paragraph, I suddenly transitioned into talking about my future research, with a poorly constructed sentence that jumped from modernist literature to the idea of freedom as a concept to freedom for Egypt. I didn’t get into too many specifics because I didn’t really know what I was talking about at the time. Looking back at that personal statement now, it showed.

Needless to say, I did not get into a Ph.D. program, which turned out to be more of a blessing than anything else, as I quickly realized that track wasn’t for me. However, the experience taught me that society, white America specifically, regularly asks minorities and people of color to tokenize and exploit themselves, talking about their cultural backgrounds in a marketable way in order to gain acceptance into programs and institutions we are otherwise barred from.

White America asks people of color to tokenize and exploit themselves in order to gain acceptance into programs and institutions we are otherwise barred from.

I wonder now what my personal statement would have sounded like if my advisor had not given me that advice. I likely would not have talked about Egypt or my culture at all, and maybe I shouldn’t have. Maybe I could have formed a more cohesive narrative about my research instead. But I was writing about James Joyce, competing with hundreds of white men doing the same, and so I needed a unique angle. My advisor made me aware, for the first time, that as a woman and a person of color, I had to “play up” my background in order to enter these primarily white institutions.


Two years later, I applied to MFA programs in creative writing, realizing that what I really wanted to focus on was writing fiction. I remembered what my advisor said, and I knew her advice still applied. But again, I struggled with how to bring up my ethnicity in an organic, uncontrived way. Simply discussing my cultural background abstractly would not work, as I’d learned from my PhD applications. I needed to tell a story, one that would garner the attention of admissions committees. However, I hadn’t suffered any particular hardship or trauma as a result of my ethnic background. I grew up with a certain amount of privilege not afforded to others. My parents were doctors, and they’d been supportive of me all my life. Still, I knew that it wasn’t enough for me to simply identify as a person of color. I had to fit into the POC stereotype: someone who has faced adversity, racism, and maybe even economic hardship.

I lay in bed, computer open in my lap, reading sample after of sample of MFA personal statements. I bought a book about applying to MFA programs. I scoured the internet for advice, reading blogs and testimonies of people who had been accepted and were now passing down their wisdom. I sat alone in my room for hours at a time scrolling the web for information, making lists in notebooks — of schools and possible ideas to write about. If I wanted them to know about my background, I had to do it in the personal statement. I was applying to programs in fiction, so I didn’t have the advantage of continuing the story of my life through a non-fiction writing sample. I did, however, decide that my writing sample would be a short story I’d written about Egyptian-Americans. There weren’t enough stories about us, so I hoped admissions committees would see that I could bring something different to their program. I wrote and revised and revised and revised, but still, I couldn’t bring myself to start the personal statement.

I didn’t want to talk about my personal life. I didn’t want to exploit myself or tokenize myself for the sake of admission. My advisor’s words rang true in my head. “Play that up,” she’d said. But I could only play it up so much.

In my personal statement, I noted that I grew up in an Egyptian home and for that reason felt different from my peers. Outside of that, though, I resisted making up or exaggerating some trauma. I thought of all the people that had experienced hardship as a result of race, gender, or sexuality, and I knew that their personal statements would likely cover those details, perhaps as a mode of performance in order to gain admission to elite programs, but I couldn’t bring myself to create a narrative of adversity. Though I couldn’t voice it in these terms back then, I felt that it was unfair that as a minority, I had to delve into my suffering and put that on display.

I did get into MFA programs, although more schools rejected me than the other way around. While I wrote a fairly strong personal statement, I can’t help but ask myself: if I’d displayed some sort of trauma, would I have been accepted to more programs?

I felt that it was unfair that as a minority, I had to delve into my suffering and put that on display.

MFA programs, in my experience, are littered with white men; there is even a parody Twitter account called “Guy In Your MFA” that tweets from the point of view of the typical straight, white man in an MFA program. I wonder if these men faced the same anxiety and mental turmoil I experienced in putting together their personal statements. I struggled to talk about my ethnic background in a way that would garner attention, while also trying to avoid exploiting myself or having to create a narrative of minority trauma. This is not something asked of white men, but people of color regularly have to share their hardships with the world in order to obtain admission into these spaces.


During my time in my MFA, I began to think about identity in a more nuanced way. My MFA thesis was a draft of a novel about an Egyptian-American brother and sister raised in a Muslim family. The novel’s themes pertain to the idea of living between two cultures: American and Egyptian. Though the story I created is fictional, many of the ideas pertain to my own life. As an Egyptian-American, I live in two worlds. One world is that of my parents and my family. While I don’t always agree with their values and traditions, those principles and their way of life will always be a part of me. However, I also live in American society, and liberal, American values course through my veins. For this reason, I will never feel truly Egyptian, but at the same time, I will never feel truly American, either. I exist between two different cultures and two different ways of life. In writing my novel, I wanted to encapsulate these ideas so that hopefully, other immigrants and children of immigrants could have a story they relate to.

When ‘Good Writing’ Means ‘White Writing’

As I began to finish up my MFA, I also thought about my future as a writer, and I started to apply to different jobs, programs, workshops, and fellowships. Each of these asked for some type of written statement, whether it was a cover letter, personal statement, or teaching philosophy. Almost all of the jobs and programs I’d applied to wanted to know something more than what they could find in my résumé. Again, I found myself trying to “play up” my Egyptian background in order to gain some type of approval. This time, though, I had more to say. I talked about identity and what it felt like to grow up between two cultures. I related back personal stories about my upbringing and my parents’ desires to have me retain aspects of their Egyptian culture.

Though I didn’t relay anything particularly traumatic, again feeling that my personal hardship was not the business of these strangers, I still resented having to include these intimate details of my childhood and my upbringing in these so-called professional applications. I wanted to focus on my work and what I could bring to the specific jobs and programs, but like graduate schools, they often called for a personal statement, so I had no choice but to get personal.

I wanted to focus on my work and what I could bring to the specific jobs and programs, but I had no choice but to get personal.

This year, I applied to an upcoming writing retreat exclusively for women of color. The retreat consists of a series of workshops and lectures all led by women writers of color, and they offered a set number of fully funded fellowship opportunities. I applied to the Arab Women Fellowship. As I began my application, I expected some type of personal statement requirement, and having written an entire novel draft that deals with cultural identity, I was now prepared. But as I scrolled through the application requirements, I found no mention of a personal statement. All they required was a project proposal, a reference, and a writing sample. For the first time, I wasn’t being asked to share intimate details of my life for an admissions committee, and I soon realized that this was because the retreat was being run by women of color. No doubt the women running this program had been asked to share their traumas and adversities for any number of applications over the years, and like me, had bristled at the expectation. They weren’t interested in asking a group of fellow WOC to trot out our back-stories in an effort to appear the most disadvantaged — our only trump card when competing against white men who had been afforded every privilege. For once, I could focus primarily on my work.


As I thought more about the idea of people of color being forced to put their trauma on display, my cousin Sarah was applying to law school. She asked me to take a look at her personal statement and give her some feedback. Her essay was beautifully written and moving, but she wrote about a deeply personal incident that she should never have had to share with an admissions committee. She knew, though, that sharing the private details of her life would capture their attention and maybe guarantee her acceptance. She told me that though she felt uncomfortable having a group of strangers read her essay, she could predict their reactions and therefore felt the need to exploit her own experiences.

My cousin’s law school application process also involved a series of “diversity statements.” Often, for people of color, it’s not enough to simply write a personal statement; there’s an additional “optional” essay asking you how you as an individual can contribute to diversity, and what in your background or life experience should be considered in the application process. Programs usually don’t require a diversity statement, but it’s implied that if you are a minority, you should write one.

Diversity statements are a relatively new phenomenon, and not every program asks for them, but when Sarah applied to law school, she wrote a diversity statement for every school she applied to — fifteen schools in total. Like me, Sarah read sample essay after sample essay in order to get a feel for what schools wanted.

“These essays are just rants of how race or ethnicity or class brought you down,” Sarah told me. “It was literally just people talking about these traumas.”

I was glad in that moment to have never had to write a diversity statement, though in my application experience, I still felt the pressure to discuss some type of adversity. If you are a minority, you are expected to display your hardship to the world.

If you are a minority, you are expected to display your hardship to the world.

During a phone call with my cousin, as we talked about her applications, I told her that the implicit obligation to focus on trauma wasn’t fair, and I asked how she felt about the whole process, recalling how I felt while putting together my grad school applications.

“It just felt really disingenuous,” Sarah said. “Because I wasn’t talking about my religion or ethnicity in a space I would have felt comfortable doing that. I felt like I was pandering to what they wanted so that they could say, ‘We’re such great people because we accepted this racially ambiguous, Muslim girl.’ I felt like I was exploiting myself.”

She expressed what I couldn’t at the time that I applied to MFA programs. I didn’t want to talk to a group of strangers about my race or ethnicity or how that affected my life and identity. It was none of their business, and while I made mention of my background, I refused to really exploit myself in the way that Sarah had to for her diversity statements.

Hearing her talk about her law school admissions process repeatedly reminded me of my own experiences. This self-exploitation is what schools and programs want. As Sarah points out, it’s almost though admissions officers want to pat themselves on the back for accepting a student who’s overcome so much and who brings “diversity” to their program.


A few weeks ago, I tutored a student who came to me with her personal statement for dental school. She was Pakistani-born and had lived there all her life, only recently moving to the States with her family. In her personal statement, she made no mention of her cultural background or ethnicity, and when she spoke of her childhood, I pictured a childhood in America. After we went through the essay, she then told me of her upbringing and her recent move to the US.

“I didn’t know any of that from the essay,” I said.

“Well, I don’t want them to read it and tell me to go back to my country.”

I was shocked at her words, at her assumption that an admissions committee would bar her entrance because of her Pakistani background — though living in this country today, it’s easy to see why she would have those fears.

“It’s just the opposite,” I said to her. “Admissions people love hearing stories about how you moved from another country and what made you do that and everything you overcame.”

As the words left my mouth, I recalled the conversation with my advisor seven years prior. I was giving the same advice, telling someone to play up her background in order to gain acceptance into a program.

It’s not fair to expect me, as a minority, to have some sort of harrowing back-story, and it’s not fair to those with actual traumas in their lives.

When I was asked to “play up” the fact that I’m Egyptian, I found myself grasping for some disadvantage to show what I’d overcome to get to where I was, but in many ways, this is not fair. It’s not fair to expect me, as a minority, to have some sort of harrowing back-story, and it’s not fair to those with actual traumas in their lives.

Before I really grasped what I was advising, I turned to my student and said: “Even if you didn’t have any obstacles, make something up. They love that.”

I hated myself for giving that advice and questioned the ethics of my telling her to make up an obstacle. But I wanted to help her in any way I could, and I knew the reality of admissions, having been through it myself. Minority students should not have to mine our traumas to prove our worth, but if we want to be afforded the same opportunities as white students, we have to exist within an unfair system. In the future, if an applicant asks me for advice, I hope I can better explain the nuances of the application process, rather than perpetuate the same rhetoric of “playing up” our hardships.

7 Crime Novels Written by Irish Women

Crime lovers take out your knives and carve yourself a slice of crime fiction from this stellar list of Irish women writers. Darkness is not a stranger to Irish fiction, even novels peppered with humor often favor the odd dark theme and the past couple of decades has seen a huge surge in crime fiction.

Purchase the novel

Ireland has seen many shifts in the social, political and economical landscape in the past twenty years. These changes have allowed for a greater dialogue around some of the country’s darker issues: domestic violence, social oppression of women, cases of sexual abuse from the church, political, gang and drug-related crime. It’s natural crime writers would want to explore these themes.

When writing Too Close To Breathe, I was acutely aware of this grand wave of “emerald noir,” particularly from female authors. Seeing these books, with their atmospheric covers and tantalizing blurbs, spread out along the shelves of my local bookstore, reassured me there was a home for what I was writing. So let me take you through some of those books and women authors who prefer to write in a darker shade of green.

Broken Harbor by Tana French

This novel was my first introduction to Tana French and I have pushed it into the hands of many readers since. French’s novels feature compelling plots, great writing and characters that could walk from the page and take that pint of Guinness right out of your hand. There’s just enough of an Irish tilt to the dialogue to not trip up the tongue but I love the little verbal gifts she gives her characters, words like “scarlet,” a shorthand in Ireland for embarrassment. Each of her novels focus on one detective or investigator as part of Dublin’s Murder Squad. The case presented usually challenges the detective both professionally and on a personal level. Her books ask not only who is responsible for this crime but who is this detective. In Broken Harbor, Patrick Spain and his two children have been murdered in one of the abandoned housing developments that litter Ireland. Detective Scorcher is plagued by the strange details of the case: why is the house full of holes in the wall? Why are there six baby monitors all facing the holes? For Detective Scorcher, the case becomes increasingly personal with long-suppressed dark family memories rising painfully to the surface.

One Bad Turn by Sinead Crowley

Three books under her belt and Crowley’s D.S. Claire Boyle series keeps thrilling. One Bad Turn sees D.S. Boyle take her young baby to the doctor’s surgery where they both become embroiled in a dangerous hostage situation. Crowley’s novels often focuses on personal conflict between characters. In this novel, the hostage taker is the childhood friend of the doctor. The Irish Times raved that One Bad Turn is sensationally good.

The Confession by Jo Spain

Set in the midst of Ireland’s recession, the novel is a whydunnit that opens with a confession from the killer on the first page. The killer brutally attacks a disgraced corrupt banker in his own home in front of the victim’s wife. An hour later, he turns himself in to the police but claims he has no idea who the victim is or why he did it. Spain’s books are gripping and filled with intriguing, original plots inspired by Ireland’s social history. Her best-selling debut novel, With Our Blessing, features Inspector Tom Reynolds investigating the murder of a nun linked to a notorious institute for “fallen women.”

Unraveling Oliver by Liz Nugent

Remember what I was saying about the Irish and our penchant for darkness? Author Ruth Ware praised Unraveling Oliver as “pitch-black and superbly written.” I feel like my work here is done. The novel begins with a savage depiction of domestic violence, told from the chilling voice of the offender. Nugent’s story is all the more unsettling because the book’s main narrator, Oliver, is a successful children’s author with an outwardly stable family life. Told in flashbacks starting from Oliver’s unprovoked near-fatal assault of his wife to his unhappy childhood as an unwanted son, the novel slowly unravels to the nightmarish event that brought everything crashing down.

Let The Dead Speak by Jane Casey

Seven books down in the Maeve Kerrigan series and fans are clamouring for more of Casey’s special brand of crime fiction. Always one foot in reality, Casey’s novels enjoy plenty of interesting layers that all keep one another warm until the final conflagration. In her recent novel, eighteen-year-old Chloe Emery returns home to find her West London home covered in blood and her mother nowhere to be found. London detective Maeve Kerrigan suspects Emery’s ultra religious neighbors are responsible for the murder but there’s one problem: there’s no body. Crafted with sharp dialogue, some of which might raise a smile, and clever plotting, Let The Dead Speak, will take you on a race through the pages.

The Liar’s Girl by Catherine Ryan Howard

With her second novel, The Liar’s Girl, hitting shelves as I type, the time has never been more ripe to begin your obsession with Howard’s novels. The Liar’s Girl takes us back to the canals of Dublin in a story packed with psychological trickery and playing on the theme of the bad boy, and a very bad boy indeed. What do you do when you realize your boyfriend is a killer?

Mr. Flood’s Last Resort by Jess Kidd

Jedd Kidd’s mysteries refuse to conform to genre in the most delicious of ways. She sculpts her imaginative storylines with a deft hand managing to bring otherworldly elements into the intriguing mystery at the center of her plot. Her latest, Mr. Flood’s Last Resort, is set in a Maurier-esque mansion in London and her sleuth takes the form of Irish careworker, Maud Drennan tasked with looking after a hoarder, Cathal Flood. The detective story begins when Maud is sorting through the junk in Flood’s eerily decrepit mansion and stumbles across family photographs with the faces of a little girl and a woman burnt out. Kidd takes her readers for an unsettling journey into the abyss of a Gothic family saga inspired by religious mysticism and Celtic folklore.

“Circe” Shows Us How Storytelling Is Power—And How That Power Can Be Seized

Last year, British classicist Mary Beard published a slim book that aimed to chronicle how power, in Western civilization, has been set up from the very beginning to shut out women. The first example she gives in Women & Power is from The Odyssey: Telemachus only truly comes into his own as a man, she says, when he tells his mother Penelope that talking is men’s work. She dubs it Western literature’s “first recorded example of a man telling a woman to ‘shut up.’”

The first, maybe, but far from the last. The works that form the bedrock of our canons — Christianity, Western lit — often erase women by not allowing them to speak, or casting doubt on them when they do. At its heart, storytelling is a tool: from rewriting history books to having your press secretaries lie for you, shaping a narrative to suit your own ends is one of the most powerful cudgels an aspiring despot can wield.

But storytelling can subvert norms as well as establish them. That’s the grand, praiseworthy project of Madeline Miller’s new novel Circe: to take on the vast canonical text of The Odyssey, and the overpoweringly male world it describes, by telling the story from a woman’s perspective.

Even the bare sketches we get of Circe in The Odyssey already outline a potential feminist icon: a witchy woman who lives alone, turning men into pigs. Miller’s Circe, fully fleshed-out, is a towering, passionate figure whose life seems to be an unceasing stream of men failing her: Her brother Aeëtes, who she rears from birth, grows up and leaves to rule a kingdom without a backwards glance. Her father, the sun god Helios, literally burns her when she defies him. She falls in love with a humble mortal fisherman named Glaucos and turns him into a sea god; once changed, he promptly rejects her for the most attractive nymph he can find. When she’s eventually banished on some spurious charge to a small island named Aiaia, Circe finally disavows marriage, family, and all the trappings of confined female life. There are satisfying scenes in which she roams the island’s lush forests, defies a threatening (male) boar, summons a majestic (female) lion familiar, develops her witchcraft, and finally comes into her own. “Had I truly feared such creatures?” she thinks of her catty cousins. “Had I really spent ten thousand years ducking like a mouse?”

Much of the delight of reading Circe is recognizing just how many other Greek myths Circe finds her way into, informed by ancient texts or Miller’s own imaginings and woven into a coherent shape by Circe’s perspective. She’s the one who unintentionally transforms Scylla into the horrifying sea monster we know, the one whose six heads snap up Greek heroes from their ships. In a gnarly scene straight out of Breaking Dawn, Circe helps her cruel, beautiful sister Pasiphaë birth the Minotaur — and meets Daedalus and Icarus, before their fateful flight, on that same visit.

Of course, what really lends Circe’s narration that patina of lived experience are the many slights, great and small alike, of the men she encounters. She asks a sailor if she can borrow his cloak, and he greets the request with suspicion and defiance. (“I would come to know this type of man, jealous of his little power, to whom I was only a woman.”) She opens her home to a ragged crew of sailors, and when they discover that she lives alone, the captain rapes her. (“Brides, nymphs were called, but that is not really how the world saw us. We were an endless feast laid out upon a table, beautiful and renewing. And so very bad at getting away.”) When she casts a spell to look like her brother and speaks with a deep, commanding voice, all the men around her hop to attention. (“I almost wanted to laugh. I had never been given such deference in my life.”) Of course, you think, that’s how it would play out.

But since she’s embedded in this world, she also gets to see the legend-spinning in real time — and call out the bullshit as it gets made. One day, Jason of Golden Fleece fame and his wife Medea, Circe’s niece and also a witch, stop by Aiaia so Circe can ritually cleanse them of the various heinous crimes they’ve committed. Listening to Jason talk, Circe thinks, “I believed that he was a proper prince. He had the trick of speaking like one, rolling words like great boulders, lost in the details of his own legend.” In the ancient texts that are available to us, Jason’s own legend is the only one we have. But here, his story comes annotated with Circe’s irritated commentary, and Jason’s omissions — the casual but crucial omissions of motivated storytelling — become all the more glaring. “In his mind, he was already telling the tale to his court, to wide-eyed nobles and fainting maidens,” she notes, pointedly. “He did not thank Medea for her aid; he scarcely looked at her. As if a demigoddess saving him at every turn was only his due.” That’s the story of the Argonautica, but it’s not the story of Circe.

Since she’s embedded in this world, Circe gets to see the legend-spinning in real time — and call out the bullshit as it gets made.

Years after the events in Circe, Circe hears a rendition of The Odyssey more familiar to us, and she is not impressed. “Humbling women seems to me a chief pastime of poets,” she says. “As if there can be no story unless we crawl and weep.” In one widely-read modern translation, Odysseus rushes her with his sword — no Freud needed — and “she screamed, slid under my blade, hugged my knees with a flood of warm tears and a burst of winging words:…‘You have a mind in you no magic can enchant!’” and then propositions him in the same breath. Within the context of the novel, it’s Circe who has the authority to say what really happened; she knows what the truth is because she was actually there. Outside of the book, there’s no “really” or “actually” or “there”; the events of The Odyssey are fiction. But Circe’s authority is as good as Odysseus’s. She just needed the chance to speak.


Madeline Miller is not the first to give voice to the silent women of the canon. More than a decade before Circe, Margaret Atwood produced The Penelopiad after finding Homer’s original wanting. “The story as told in The Odyssey doesn’t hold water: there are too many inconsistencies,” she wrote in the novel’s introduction. “What was Penelope really up to?” And Jean Rhys’ 1966 novel Wide Sargasso Sea explores the backstory of Jane Eyre’s madwoman in the attic, raised in the West Indies and married to Mr. Rochester in Jamaica. Rhys, herself a white woman from Dominica, greatly respected Charlotte Brontë. But, as she wrote to an editor, “I…was vexed at her portrait of the ‘paper tiger’ lunatic, the all wrong creole [sic] scenes, and above all by the real cruelty of Mr. Rochester.” In another correspondence she simply wrote, “That unfortunate death of a Creole! I’m fighting mad to write her story.”

These texts are correctives, reparations; they exist to address injustices in the world of literature. (Think also of the recent trend of nonfiction that highlights the unheralded but pivotal roles women played in scientific advancements.) People who were formerly cut off from the story-making apparatus, who were not allowed to matter to the story — because of gender, but also because of class and other ways of being on the margins — now shape the narrative. This is true not only of the central heroines, but of more minor characters who were also shuffled aside. Both adaptations of The Odyssey, for instance, make much of the hanging of the maids — the 40-odd lines in book 22 where Odysseus and Telemachus round up the servant girls who slept with (or were forced to sleep with) Penelope’s suitors, and kill them for “rutting on the sly.” In The Penelopiad, Penelope’s narration is interspersed with songs and skits from the maids, who act as a “chorus line” (like a Greek chorus, but, well, you get it). In the end, Penelope says she deserves the blame for their deaths, but the maids haunt Odysseus in the underworld for eternity, and they get the last words in the book. In Circe, Telemachus himself claims that he will be tormented by the image of their twitching feet for the rest of his life.

People who were formerly cut off from the story-making apparatus  now shape the narrative.

There’s something gutsy about revising a story already enshrined in a canon, because canonical stories somehow feel truer, whether it’s the Star Wars canon, Harry Potter, or the O.G. Christian canon. They have more authority because they were written first, everyone recognizes those stories, and anyway, all retellings owe their existence to the originals.

But this embroidering of stories, changing the parts that seem off or lame, is an old, old tradition. “Except for dull encyclopedias and stories told on grandmothers’ knees, there was no such thing as a ‘straight’ version of Greek myth, even in antiquity,” Mary Beard wrote in her review of The Penelopiad in 2005. “Every literary telling we have is already a reworking, a prequel, a sequel or a subversion, which then (as so clearly with The Iliad and The Odyssey) becomes ripe for reworking itself.” This is a different model of power in storytelling: not canon/non-canon or authorized/unauthorized, but something more diffuse, where power is wielded by individual storytellers and authority constantly shifts.

But read Circe, The Penelopiad, and Wide Sargasso Sea together, and you’ll notice striking differences between Circe and the other two books — differences that I think outline two distinct ways of thinking about how women can claim power through stories. The older works change the form of the story, from the thrusting male hero’s journey to more traditionally “feminine” narratives. Circe, by contrast, merely snatches up the hero’s role and lays claim to it, just as it stands.

Circe, as a character, already has power, even within Homer’s world; the other two protagonists lack it completely. True, all three of them — Circe, Penelope, Antoinette — have absent and/or awful mothers, lonely childhoods, and cloistered adult lives (an island, a palace, the drafty attic of Thornfield Hall). But unlike Circe, a goddess who has personal autonomy, independence, and the power of witchcraft, Penelope and Antoinette are bound to men. Penelope’s story involves an arranged marriage and hordes of suitors occupying her home and eating her food at will; all of her attempts to control her fate must be executed in secret — like unraveling the shroud she’s weaving in the dead of night. She’s only speaking out “now” in The Penelopiad, thousands of years after the fact, because she’s safely in the underworld and “all the others have run out of air.” And Wide Sargasso Sea is basically a chronicle of Antoinette’s inexorable sidelining — from an arranged marriage (yes, her too) to her husband’s growing mistrust and hatred of her, and finally, in Part Three of the book, her imprisonment in England and her own madness. In those two books, the women’s only source of power comes from the fact that their stories are being told at all — not, as with Circe, because within those stories they do mighty things.

The older works change the form of the story to more traditionally ‘feminine’ narratives. Circe merely snatches up the hero’s role and lays claim to it.

Just take the language in Circe, which is elevated, arch, formal, chock full of strong adjectives — it draws on the stylings of epic poetry, and thus seizes the power of the epic for itself. Each sentence of Circe’s lofty narration puts her at a remove from us humble modern readers. It’s a constant reminder that she’s larger than life, different and greater than your average human: “The stink and weight of blood hung still upon me, and at last I found a pool, cold and clear, fed by icy melt. I welcomed the shock of its waters, their clean, scouring pain. I worked those small rites of purification which all gods know.” The dialogue, too, feels labored and inflated. “Be welcome,” Circe tells one character; “Let me not see you again,” she tells another. Her father terms her “worst of my children, faded and broken, whom I cannot pay a husband to take.” No one actually talks like that — but the fact that they do in this story lends everything an archaic, and implicitly powerful, sheen. Everything about the way the story’s told, in fact, focuses so intently on playing up Circe’s momentousness that the stakes take on a certain teenagery melodrama: “[Odysseus] showed me his scars, and in return he let me pretend that I had none.” Legends as a general rule are not subtle — and Circe, which resembles a legend far more than it does a novel, isn’t either.

Contrast that with Atwood’s aggressively casual Penelope. She starts explaining the context of her betrothal to Odysseus, then goes off on a tangent about “an overdose of god-sex,” and then suddenly returns to the topic. “Where was I? Oh yes. Marriages.” We hear about her horticultural tastes as she strolls through the underworld’s fields of asphodel: “I would have preferred a few hyacinths, at least, and would a sprinkling of crocuses have been too much to expect?” And Penelope is savvy about 21st-century life: she snarks about the use of steroids in athletic competitions and the fact that we worship “flat, illuminated surfaces that serve as domestic shrines.” Her relationship with Helen, her famously beautiful cousin, is positively petty. The Penelopiad punctures the loftiness of its epic forebear with the promise of real talk; its concern isn’t to spin a legend about people who are larger than life but to point out just how disappointingly life-like those people actually are. Compared to the strained grandness of Circe, it’s a relief.

Then there’s the fact that The Penelopiad and Wide Sargasso Sea are both polyphonic works — their structures accommodate multiple perspectives. The man Antoinette marries (Rochester, though he’s unnamed in the book) narrates much of the novel’s second section — in it, we hear about his own growing alienation, and we feel sympathy towards him even as we note his prejudices and injustices towards Antoinette. “There is always the other side, always,” Antoinette tells him — but Rhys might as well be speaking directly to her readers. And the maids in The Penelopiad break up Penelope’s more linear narration with a whole range of forms, from a jump rope rhyme to an anthropology lecture. Jarring and a little hokey they might be (though the sea shanty is excellent), they put a fine point on the fact that every story has a side that hasn’t been told, that narratives are never monolithic.

This all seems to me strikingly similar to Mary Beard’s suggestion of what exactly to do about this problem of women and (lack of) power. Instead of thinking about power as “the individual charisma of so-called ‘leadership,’” and attempting to fit women into a system that’s already “coded as male,” she says, we should redefine what power is. To her, that means “decoupling it from public prestige…thinking collaboratively, about the power of followers not just of leaders.” Something that’s democratic, inclusive, residing in many voices. Just think of the #MeToo movement, which has been built from the unified voices of a tide of heroic but often-unnamed women.

Circe does not fall into this vein. It doesn’t aim to tear down the whole edifice; instead, it seeks to claim its power for itself, and, by proxy, womanhood. Circe’s perspective throughout the book is unbroken, the story runs chronologically straight, there’s nothing so radical or destabilizing as redefining the nature of power itself. The Odyssey is basically a book about one man’s deeds and adventures; Circe is the same, but about a woman. Even the sizes of the books on my desk are drastically different. Neither Wide Sargasso Sea nor The Penelopiad break 200 pages; my shiny, embossed copy of Circe, nearly twice as long, looks much more imposing next to them.

Circe doesn’t aim to tear down the whole edifice; instead, it seeks to claim its power for itself, and, by proxy, womanhood.

Obviously, I’m ambivalent about this book. Burn it all down like Antoinette! I want to cry. But I think we do benefit from reclaiming history, especially an imagined one (those are much more potent), as long as we also make room for other, more subversive expressions of power. And there’s delight to be had in showing your truth unapologetically. While Penelope schemes in secret and Antoinette drugs her husband in a last-ditch attempt to win him back, Circe asserts herself directly. “You do not know what I can do,” she tells a threatening god; when she defies her father, she says, “I will do as I please, and when you count your children, leave me out.” Rallying cries are unifying, after all.

So this question of women, speech and power. Should we try to cultivate a different, more diffuse kind of power, as The Penelopiad, Wide Sargasso Sea, and Mary Beard suggest? Or should we take on traditional notions of power and make them our own? The answer, I think, is yes.

How Watching ‘Caddyshack’ Helps Me Stave Off Depression

I stare into a dark, star-filled screen. A white, illuminated “O” appears, and spins out the words “An Orion Pictures Release.” Outside, the sky is blue. Birds fly across my window. I lie on the couch as a choir of Kenny Loggins fades in from the speakers.

I have watched Caddyshack, the 1980 film directed by Harold Ramis and starring Chevy Chase and Bill Murray, more than 100 times. This is a conservative estimate; it does not include partial viewings, clips online, or the times it’s been played with the sound turned off.

Not once during any of these screenings have I smiled or laughed.

I have watched Caddyshack more than 100 times. Not once during any of these screenings have I smiled or laughed.

I don’t hate Caddyshack. I adore it. I can’t get enough of Caddyshack’s “snobs against the slobs” tale, set inside the members-only Bushwood Country Club. I relish the scenes with Al Czervik (played in a star turn by Rodney Dangerfield), a nouveaux riche condo magnate, who humiliates Judge Elihu Smails (Ted Knight), Bushwood’s slow-burn villain. I still find myself imitating the cadences of Chevy Chase’s Ty Webb, the golf prodigy playboy who speaks in clipped Zen koans. I adore all of it: the weak main storyline of working-class caddie Danny Noonan (Michael O’Keefe); the set pieces included for no reason other than to feature Smails’ lusty niece from Philadelphia, Lacey Underall (Cindy Morgan), in various stages of undress; Bill Murray’s unscripted performance as Carl Spackler, the louche and unhinged assistant greenskeeper, chasing an elusive gopher with firearms and explosives.

I don’t appreciate Caddyshack as a golf comedy. I’ve never golfed. I’ve never seen anyone tee off, never been to a driving range. I might not even classify Caddyshack as a comedy. Over the past decades, I have screened Caddyshack not as comic relief, but as something else. Spiritual comfort food comes close. It’s more like meditation or saying the rosary, a nourishing ritual. I experience Caddyshack to stitch my mind back together again, to receive what we might call “total consciousness.”

I have screened Caddyshack not as comic relief, but as something else. It’s more like meditation or saying the rosary, a nourishing ritual.

I watch Caddyshack alone. Always. These Caddyshack screenings typically occur in late spring, when my mood turns gloomy, inconsolably sad. I’ve called these periods a number of things over the years: ennui, melancholy, malaise, doldrums, afternoon stupor, feeling down-in-the-dumps. I know now this is depression, with dollops of generalized anxiety and an allergy to pollen. I watch Caddyshack as a rite of spring, to be return to a world where the biggest concerns include whether or not Judge Smails’ nephew, Spaulding, will pick his nose and then eat his own boogers. Watching Caddyshack’s mechanical gopher dance to Kenny Loggins has proven to have as much efficacy as my prescribed medications.

The restorative power of watching a familiar comedy is that it replaces in the depressed person’s mind the real source of their sadness, whatever it might be.

Humor, Simon Critchley writes, “exploits the gap between being a body and having a body.” When I’m depressed, that gap is exploited further. I enter an animal-like, non-intentional state. My own story ends or is paused. The restorative power of watching a familiar comedy like Caddyshack, over and over again over several decades, is that it replaces in the depressed person’s mind the real source of their sadness, whatever it might be. It narrows the gap, however temporarily. It allows you to imagine a body and mind restored to health.

I was too young to see the R-rated Caddyshack in the movie theater. I saw it a few years later, at the dawn of cable TV. It aired constantly. I’m part of the first generation that got to re-watch movies at home on cable and VCRs, over and over again, committing scenes to memory. How many others have Caddyshack imprinted into the minds? Thousands? Millions? Sure, Caddyshack is funny, but what is it about this movie, a modest success when it came out, that merits these re-watchings? Caddyshack: The Making of a Hollywood Cinderella Story, Entertainment Weekly film critic Chris Nashawaty’s new book-length study just out this month, burnishes the film’s reputation as one of the “most beloved comedies of all time.” How did a movie written off by critics like Vincent Canby of the New York Times as “immediately forgettable” trash become part of the comedy canon?

In the most famous monologue from Caddyshack, Carl Spackler recounts to a young caddy an obviously bullshit tale of jocking for the “Dalai Lama himself” in the Himalayas. Pitchfork in hand, poking prongs in the caddy’s neck, Bill Murray’s character tells the story of how “the Lama” utters the mysterious phrase “gunga lagunga”:

So we finish the eighteenth and he’s gonna stiff me. And I say, ‘Hey, Lama, hey, how about a little something, you know, for the effort, you know.’ And he says, “Oh, uh, there won’t be any money, but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consciousness.” So I got that goin’ for me, which is nice.

AL CZERVIK
Did somebody step on a duck?

Here’s the part where I admit to being one of those annoying people who rattles off Caddyshack lines in social situations. Most times I trade Caddyshack lines with another person, I do sense a connection, even a deep one.

TY WEBB
We have a pool and a pond…pond’d be good for you.

These quote-sharing moments mark the only times I have laughed or smiled in relation to Caddyshack. I also feel myself on the edge of crying. My eyes well up. My lips quiver. My brain feels lighter.

JUDGE SMAILS
I’ve sentenced boys younger than you to the gas chamber.
Didn’t wanna do it, but felt I owed it to them.

In these moments, I don’t need to worry about connecting with another person, or think about what to say next. Time moves forward, onto the next object of attention.

Thank you, home video. Thank you, collective narrative. Thank you, total consciousness.

There’s a good chance that Ty Webb suffers from depression. Chevy Chase’s character is WASPy, his demeanor understated, sure. He is also withdrawn, disengaged. He stares into space, and avoids eye contact. When Lacy Underalls, the movie’s femme fatale, visits him unannounced, we see his bachelor bungalow littered with leftover pizza, samurai swords, and newspapers.

“Here’s an uncashed check for seventy thousand dollars,” Lacy says.

“Keep it,” Ty answers.

Throughout their scene together, Ty never looks into Lacy’s face, never cracks a smile.

Words associated with comedy: masochism, narcissism, trivia, hysteria.
Words associated with melancholy: masochism, narcissism, trivia, hysteria.

On my desk: a Hallmark Caddyshack Christmas ornament of Ty Webb, dressed in his golf shirt and khakis. He’s barefoot. From the packaging: “Whenever he took to the links with Danny Noonan, Ty offered the caddy not only lessons in honing his golfing abilities but also zen-inspired insights on the game…and the nature of life itself.”

Press the button on the ornament’s base and you hear a recording of Caddyshack’s second most famous monologue, in which Ty holds forth about a “force in the universe that makes things happen”:

The Zen philosopher Basho once wrote, “A flute with no holes, is not a flute. And a donut with no hole, is a danish.” Funny guy.

Webb then chants some mantra-type sounds as he makes trick shot after trick shot on the putting green. All of this is on the recording. Other than taking out the battery, there’s no way to stop Ty Webb from talking. Once you press the button, it just continues its monologue until the end.

In 2007, psychologists at the University of Pittsburgh studied the facial expressions of 116 people. Subjects were shown “neutral footage” of a train moving down a track, followed by “robust positive stimulus”: a four-minute clip from Chris Rock’s 1996 comedy special Bring the Pain, selected “to reliably elicit positive emotion.” Using something called a Facial Action Coding System (FACS), the researchers confirmed their hypothesis: that depressives are more likely to “control their smiles.”

Depressed individuals, in other words, keep thinking about depressing things. Even when Al Czervik tees off and nails Judge Smails in the crotch with a golf ball.

In Praise of Tender Masculinity, the New Non-Toxic Way to Be a Man

I can’t really look at Caddyshack in the same way I did when I was young. Bill Murray, now a kind of living meme, has hard flirtations with right-wing politics. Chevy Chase regularly appears in the news after beating up a motorist or uttering some racist comment. I can no longer look up to these men, if I ever did, as models of some masculine ideal.

The last couple of times I have watched Caddyshack, I have found myself focusing on the more ancillary characters. Like Spaulding Smails, the judge’s spoiled nephew. Or Motormouth, the smart-alecky caddie. Or maybe Lou Loomis, the head caddy played by Billy Murray’s brother, Brian Doyle-Murray, who co-wrote the script with Ramis and Doug Kenney.

I now look at Caddyshack as a version of pastoral, in the way English critic William Empson defines the term, an offshoot of proletarian literature in which all the classes exist on the same plane. To put a finer point on it: Empson’s description of Alice in Wonderland and its “blend of child-cult and snobbery” reminds me of Caddyshack’s class warfare angle, the movie’s “snobs versus the slobs” tagline. I know that, by the movie’s end, the slobs will triumph, and that Danny, the main character, will not yet be put down by civilization in the way its star characters have suffered, in both the movie and in real life.

To escape the world into a Caddyshack screening while I’m depressed means suspending time and entering another world. In this world, body and mind, self and soul, coexist side-by-side, not naturally, but as conjoined twins. In this world, I need beginnings, middles, and endings. Inside this world, I need Kenny Loggins overtures, bromances, cliffhangers, sight-gags, dumb homunculi and military-grade explosions. In this world I need Caddyshack.

In this world, I need beginnings, middles, and endings. In this world I need Caddyshack.

Caddyshack draws from several Shakespeare plays. I realized back this in college, stoned and watching Caddyshack to put off writing papers on Shakespeare. Ty Webb’s spliff-smoke man-to-man with Spackler mirrors Henry V’s “gentlemen of the company” walk-around before the Battle of Agincourt. The scenes on the links — Maggie O’Hooligan’s frolic on the 18th hole after a pregnancy scare, the caddy tournament in the last act — recall Northrop Frye’s idea of Shakespeare’s “Green World,” a forest or meadow outside the main action that “charges comedies with the symbolism of the victory of summer over winter.” In a final scene, when Al Czervik summons his henchmen, Moose and Rocco, to shake down Judge Smails after he loses the $40,000 tournament bet (“help the judge find his checkbook, will ya?”), I can’t help but think of the cruel punishment meted out to Shylock at the end of The Merchant of Venice.

I could be wrong about this. If you stare at an object long enough, it changes into something else.

I met Bill Murray once, at a 1998 screening of Rushmore at NYU, where I worked as an administrative secretary. I scored tickets easily. Wes Anderson wasn’t a famous director yet, and Bill Murray was a star, but this was Space Jam–era Bill Murray, before his renaissance as a wedding-crashing Buddha-trickster. At the Q&A, an acting student talked about voice projection, and asked if Murray could do a reprise of his lounge singer character from Saturday Night Live. The audience clapped, egging him on.

But Murray offered a serious answer instead. Your body is an instrument, he said, like a clarinet or saxophone. As air moves through your body, it’s important to be open and in the moment. If you can do that, he said, your body will open up, and whatever you’re trying to say or sing will come out clearly, loudly, in that moment. There was a moment of silence right there, a beat before he finished his answer.

“The rest,” he said, “is bullshit.”

I watch Caddyshack whenever I experience, in the words of those Pittsburgh psychologists, “difficulty disengaging from negative stimuli.” Examples: breakups, fallings out, failures, deaths, losses, stressful days at work, public scolding, bad reviews, negative evaluations. I might marathon a day’s worth of multiple Caddyshacks, order in a pizza, close all the blinds to shut off and disengage.

My Caddyshack viewings started before the days I turned to beer, wine, and pot; before mushrooms and LSD; and well before Celexa and Wellbutrin and the occasional codeine, all to dull an anxiety over dealing with people, anger at the world, being a body and having a body.

Melancholy, more than happiness or anger or calm, needs plot. Melancholy moves through time.

In blue fogs, I struggle to get back my mind. Melancholy, more than happiness or anger or calm, needs plot. Melancholy moves through time. The melancholic is analytic, detail-oriented, a perfectionist insofar as it means fine-tuning what will or will not lead down paths of worry or despair. Lately, trying to sleep, I imagine one of my daughters injured by any number of large forms: a rusty swing, metal breaking off a bridge, boxcutter knives. I will shake my head and curse myself to sleep. To drive horrific visions away, I imagine myself in a room, alphabetizing hundreds of records, from Alpha Blondie to Zebra. Melancholy is measured by objects of attention: clouds across a window, Joni Mitchell albums from her folk to jazz periods, a mechanical gopher that tears up a golf course.

I’m not sure if I need narrative as much as one particular story. Caddyshack-watching, for me, is a component prayer of burlesque; it deepens each time Carl Spackler sight-gags a garden hose between his legs like a big schlong, each time Ty Webb calls Judge Smails a “tremendous slouch,” each time Spaulding Smails eats his own boogers.

Caddyshack allows me to dream outside my body, one that is restored to health. When I watch Caddyshack, the story pauses; it starts up again inside another story. It’s total consciousness. The rest is bullshit.

11 Books About Outsiders, Weirdos, and Underdogs

I was an immigrant kid who didn’t fit in and I’ve just written a memoir about it called Miss Ex-Yugoslavia.

Purcase the novel

My family traveled between a war-torn Yugoslavia that was falling apart, and Australia. In Australia, we became an ethnic minority, and I struggled with the language and my new dual identity.

I couldn’t control where we lived, I couldn’t fit into the mainstream, and I thought I wasn’t brave enough to be a hero. Like a lot of lonely kids, I found solace in books and identified with characters who are outsiders (like me) who happened to be doing something incredible. Give me a book featuring a fish-out-of water and I’m hooked (sorry). Here are some gems featuring a broad range of outsiders that have captured my imagination over the years.

The Love Letters of a Portuguese Nun by Gabriel De Lavergne & Vicomte De Guilleragues, translated by Guido Waldman

I discovered these love letters when I was an awkward teen who did not have a boyfriend but thought about having one constantly. I identified with the 17th century rebel nun who was in unfulfilled love affair with someone other than Jesus. She penned things such as “my passion increases by the minute.” I too was passionate but chaste. There is debate about whether the letters were really written by a love-lorn Portuguese nun or a work of fiction by a French politician.

Nine Stories by J.D. Salinger

As someone who identifies with the underdog, I’ve always been charmed by the writing of Salinger. For one, I love the mystery surrounding the writer himself — he was a recluse, and as a teen I thought “He has withdrawn from the world because no one understands him (except for me).” For another, I empathised with his characters, who were always flailing about, trying to make sense of a world that seemed foreign and strange. The very first story “A Perfect Day for Bananafish” introduces the Seymour Glass, an intellectual scarred by his wartime experiences, who finds himself on a honeymoon where he can’t seem to relax — a (banana)fish out of water if ever there was one.

Hollow Heart by Viola Di Grado, translated by Antony Shugaar

This Italian novel starts with a shattering first sentence: “In 2011, the world ended: I killed myself.” Dumped via text by her boyfriend and unwanted by her deadbeat father, Dorotea is an outcast in life as well as in the afterlife, where people who commit suicide are shunned as social pariahs. A ghostly Dorotea lingers on, observing the world and people she left behind but unable to communicate with them. Hollow Heart is a fascinating, bizarre, and darkly humorous glimpse into the afterlife of an introspective, small-town Italian ghost. I met Di Grado at a writers festival last year. She wore black lipstick and writes in a forest where she lives alone, far from the reaches of social media. I wanted to kiss her for being the kind of weirdo artist from the olden days and for being unapologetically strange in life and on the page.

In the Darkroom by Susan Faludi

American Dad, Jewish refugee, photo developer, Hungarian repatriate, and now woman: these are some of the identities inhabited by Susan Faludi’s father. At the age of 76, Faludi’s father has completed sex reassignment surgery, renamed herself Stefánie, and reaches out to her daughter after a prolonged absence. The surprised younger Faludi travels to Hungary to reacquaint herself and study this slippery and complex character, who she spent most of her life resenting. As she tries to come to terms with her father’s new self, Faludi is confronted with more questions causing her to reexamine her notions of identity, gender, family, and war.

Bright Lines by Tanwi Nandini Islam

Bright Lines is a coming of age story about three young women finding their identity and navigating sexual awakening against the backdrop of a multicultural Brooklyn.The main character, Ella, is haunted by hallucinations of her parents, who were murdered in Bangladesh when she was a child. Ella is not the only outsider in this narrative, where multiple characters are reckoning with their own identities, secrets and longings. The book is fun, thrilling, and queer featuring a diverse cast of characters, giving us a glimpse into the immigrant communities of Brooklyn.

The Red Car by Marcy Dermansky

When Leah finds out her former boss and friend Judy has died and bequeathed her with a red sports car, she leaves her possessive husband to go and claim her inheritance. A spell is broken when she leaves the east coast and arrives in San Francisco, and Leah’s adventures begins as she rediscovers herself behind the wheel of the flashy red sports-car. In the car haunted by the ghost of her dead friend, Leah embarks on a sexy, funny and tragic grappling with her past. This book is sharply written, the protagonist is strange and delightful, and the atmosphere is magnetic; the pages seem to turn themselves, reminiscent of a car with a mind of its own.

A Separation by Katie Kitamura

Another strange protagonist finds herself in a strange place. The narrator, a young woman, arrives in Greece, to find her missing husband. She has kept the separation from her husband a secret from everyone in her life. While searching for the man she used to love, she is forced to deal with her feelings about their failed relationship. In one scene, the protagonist watches a Greek couple have an argument — she does not understand Greek, searching for clues about the source of their argument through their body language.This feeling of being a foreigner, an onlooker on the periphery of something she can’t quite grasp, permeates the novel. Her search through the remote Greek landscape makes her question what she knew about her relationship and if she really knew the man she is married to.

The Unspeakable by Meghan Daum

Meghan Daum’s essays tackle controversial subjects, like the death of a parent and the decision not to have children, in surprising ways. I found myself chuckling in agreement with Daum, who grapples with “that disconnect between what we think we’re supposed to feel and what we actually feel” — a situation many outsiders find themselves in the world over. Except Daum has a way of expressing herself with so much wit and insight, we can only wish we were as articulate.

The Sympathizer by Viet Thanh Nguyen

Nguyen throws us deep into this exhilarating spy novel framed as an anonymous confession by a nameless narrator. Not only is the main character of this Pulitzer Prize-winning novel an outsider because he is a North Vietnamese mole in South Vietnam’s special forces, he then becomes an outsider in the United States when he finds himself living the life of an immigrant. The Sympathizer offers readers a complex tale about the Vietnam War and its aftermath told from a Vietnamese perspective, in contrast to the glossed-over Hollywood movies.

H Is for Hawk by Helen MacDonald

The heartbreaking memoir of a grieving author who acquires and tames a hawk to cope with the loss of her beloved father. In studying and training this extraordinary bird of prey, MacDonald sees herself reflected in the feral fierceness of Mabel, the hawk, and slowly begins to heal. Written during the darkest moments of her life, H is for Hawk is a moving, strange, and occasionally funny meditation on life and death from a gutsy memoirist the rest of us can take our hats off to.

The Invention of Everything Else by Samantha Hunt

As a Serb, I grew up considering inventor Nikola Tesla our country’s greatest hero. An eccentric man, Tesla was under-appreciated despite inventing alternating current, radio, wireless communication, and remote control and he died a penniless outsider. I was delighted to find this strange and magical novel set in 1943 New York during the later years of Tesla’s life. This work of fiction reimagines the elderly inventor living in a hotel room and spending his days walking to Bryant Park to chat with pigeons. During a blackout in the hotel, the chambermaid Louisa discovers Tesla stealing electricity and a friendship is born.

Writing Behind My Country’s Back

Early on as a fiction writer, I assumed that because I was born and raised in Malaysia, I would always write with a Malaysian audience in mind. Little did I know that I would one day write knowing full well my words will not be read in my home country.

Medium.com is blocked by the Malaysian government, and as such is inaccessible to readers there. By extension, Electric Literature is also censored. This came about because of a single Medium post published in 2016 covering 1MDB, the massive financial scandal embroiling the current prime minister. That is how we arrive at this moment, when I write about my country behind its back. Perhaps this is only fitting, seeing as my book Though I Get Home is (among other things) about censorship in Malaysia. In the book, a young woman named Isabella Sin is arrested for writing “lewd” and “inflammatory” poems, then detained without trial.

When people ask why I chose to write about censorship, I often say that Isabella’s character is based on real life events, such as the arrest and travel ban inflicted on Zunar, a cartoonist, for his art. There is also the trial of Bilqis Hijjas, a dancer who released yellow balloons printed with words deemed so “insulting” as to necessitate her arrest. But there is another reason I wrote about censorship, one that is more personal.

I have no exact memory of my first realization that I live in a censored world. It is hard to be aware that a thing you have never seen is missing. But I imagine it had something to do with watching choppy programs on state TV, and seeing one scene blink into a totally different one with no semblance of transition. Maybe I’d wondered what happened after the man and woman leaned their faces together, eyes closed, or what it was that transpired after the villain lunged with a knife at his victim.

No doubt part of it is becoming an adult and starting to understand that effects don’t always have direct causes, actions aren’t always followed by consequences, and it all just might be chaos after all. But I think those of us who grew up in an atmosphere of censorship might be more conditioned than others to accept warped narratives. Why shouldn’t two people falling onto a bed lead to a man in a business suit waiting for a bus, when election outcomes can be manipulated, and political opponents locked away on made-up charges of sodomy, all without repercussions?

In one scene, a character is alive. In the next, that character is dead, and their mother weeps over their body. Something happened. You can’t see it, but that doesn’t mean it didn’t happen. We learn not to question gaps in logic. We become accustomed to misshapen narratives, so much so that eventually anything at all, from the absurd to the cruel, becomes acceptable, even normal.

We become accustomed to misshapen narratives, so much so that anything from the absurd to the cruel becomes acceptable, even normal.

A man gropes my butt on a busy street. Why not?

I ask a doctor for antidepressants, and end up spending hours in the bathroom with diarrhea. Turns out he’d given me laxatives. C’est la vie.

A politician says citizens should leave Malaysia if they don’t like how the ruling party runs the country. Okay.

A newspaper has its printing license revoked by the Home Ministry for no given reason at all. So it goes.


It might be that I started writing stories as a child in order to live in a more reasonable world, for however short a time. As an adult, I am sometimes drawn to formulaic murder mysteries for the same reason. They open with blood, gore, death. And then they jump, like a censored movie, to a totally different scene, where a detective is day-drinking or something like that. But I don’t have to accept the gap. The mystery eventually reveals motives and uncovers murder weapons. The killer is caught in the end. The opposite of censorship: revelation, and the filling in of intolerable blanks.

The stories I wrote in my childhood were linear and predictable. They comforted me. But by the time I arrived in America at the age of 19, I had moved on to poetry, where leaps of fancy are encouraged, and above all the tying together of seemingly unconnected notions is a prized feature. A couple stumbles onto a bed, and then a businessman waits for a bus. It corresponded more with how I felt, moving in the world.

In America, I learned so many new things about myself. For example, that my pussy is tight. That I look best hanging off the arm of a rich white man, because I love money and will turn out to be either a gold digger or a green card wife. I come notched on a dial with three settings: Chinese, Japanese, Korean, each click of the dial corresponding to the position of index fingers stretching eyes into narrow strips. I eat dogs, or cats, depending. Or I am from a Muslim country, and that in itself is apparently the insult.

I was living and writing in America, but all this time I had carried within me the state censorship of my home country.

The thing about emigrating as an adult from a country that does not wholly love you is that you are already well-versed in a slew of stereotypes and prejudices against you. But in the new land, you have to re-educate yourself on a whole new set of ways that you are rotten. The meanings of insults will be revealed to you only gradually, each accidental groping to enlightenment paving the way for understanding of more nuanced name-calling — until finally the slurs are decoded and start to repeat, and you begin being able to anticipate what you’ll be seen as, before they open their mouths to tell you so.

But there is no fair trade. By taking on this new burden of Otherness, you do not at all shed your previous baggage of being a minority in Malaysia, already yours since birth. You are still the greedy, scheming pendatang, mere visitor. You are a Jew of the East. You are filthy because you eat pig — you are pig. You are insatiable; despite the great kindness given by the dominant culture in allowing your kind to stay in their country, you keep pushing for more and more rights. Apa lagi Cina mau? Go back! Go back to where you have never been.

I yearned to explain all of this to people, especially those who wanted to know where I’m from, and those who were certain they knew where I’m from (they were never correct, Malaysia apparently being a kind of Rumpelstiltskin of countries). But I failed to pack all that I thought and felt into a few spoken sentences. Those encounters always left me feeling wrong and un-whole.

To explain myself, I returned to fiction. In my stories, I tried to convey what it’s like to live as a minority in Malaysia, and an immigrant in America. I thought I was painting as accurate a picture as I could, until my writing professor asked me why, in a novella with lots of ink spent on romantic relationships, there was no sex, almost like a deliberate erasure.

I was shocked. He had seen through to a censorship in my work that I hadn’t even realized was there. The worst part was that this censorship was self-imposed. I was living and writing in America, but all this time I had carried within me the state censorship of my home country. It was distressing to realize this. I’d thought I was a creative writer, but I wasn’t. I was fenced in. All those news reports about the government banning books and raiding bookstores had dammed up parts of my writer self, and I had let it happen without even registering it.

In my mind, the self-censorship became a serious hurdle that I would have to overcome if I harbored any hope of becoming a real writer. So I wrote about sex, and about race relations in Malaysia, and about the oppression faced by queer and trans people there. It never felt like liberation, but with every taboo or repressed subject I wrote about in my stories, I started seeing myself more and more as a true writer, one who explored life through words.

I write for Malaysia, no matter whether its back is turned on me. There is no dedication in my book.

At some point, I inevitably came up against writing about censorship itself. This became the seeds of Isabella’s arc in Though I Get Home. It was a somber realization that if I wished to be unfettered as a writer, then I would have to accept the chance that some of my writing might never be read by anyone in Malaysia.

Yet I also couldn’t give up my desire to connect with Malaysian readers. So what if no one in Malaysia ever read what I wrote? In Existentialism is a Humanism, Sartre quotes an old adage that goes “No hope is necessary to undertake anything.” He follows up with: “All I know is that I will do everything in my power to make it happen. Beyond that, I cannot count on anything.” This is the way I write for Malaysia, no matter whether its back is turned on me. There is no dedication in my book.

Writing for a country this way is also important to me in another sense: I did not want to write books meant to elicit tongue-clucking from international readers, stories that let them sit in judgment as they read, thinking how barbaric it is, the things that people in third-world countries do.

Because look how things have turned out: I am now once more worried about self-censorship, but this time, the fear has its roots in U.S. government policies. Recently it was reported that the U.S. will ask those who want to visit or live in America to hand over their social media history. Already the government has been or plans to monitor the social media activity and search history of all legal immigrants, of which I am one. I am not a U.S. citizen. I feel acutely the risk of writing too much. Even a simple retweet sometimes gives me pause: are these the 200 characters that will one day get me removed from this country?

From a news report covering the plans to monitor search and social media activity: “This would also affect all U.S. citizens who communicate with immigrants, […] who could self-censor out of fear that information they exchange with someone overseas could be misconstrued and used against them.”

So you see, I wrote a book about (self-)censorship to interrogate my relationship to it, but the book is also for you after all.

Sometimes all self-censorship needs is a vague, unspecified fear.

This month, we also learned that the U.S. Department of Homeland Security wants to build a database of journalists, bloggers, and media influencers that will include their personal data and social media information. This, by itself, does not imply censorship, of course. But as I know all too well, sometimes all self-censorship needs is a vague, unspecified fear, or even just a habit of considering how those in power will react to your words.

A white man came up after I read from my book to tell me he couldn’t imagine living in a country “like that.” I hope he and others like him see that the spaces we occupy overlap, and that so many of us have work to do. I hope we all keep wresting the truth out from under the misshapen narratives given to us, and I hope we keep saying what’s true, no matter that our voices are feeble, or that backs may be turned on us. Two people fall onto a bed. You can’t see it, but they are asking themselves and each other: what are we afraid to say, for fear that the powerful will punish us?

7 Novels Featuring Omens of Bad Luck

Today is Friday the 13th, often considered to be a bad-luck day in Western culture—although honestly, how bad can a Friday be? In recognition, we’ve rounded up some novels featuring traditional harbingers of bad luck: letting a black cat cross your path, walking under a ladder, breaking a mirror, seeing your doppelgänger, getting a clock as a gift (bad luck in Chinese culture), and spotting ominous birds like ravens and owls. This Friday the 13th could still be lucky—you could find a new favorite book!

Black cat: The Master and Margarita, Mikhail Bulgakov

Bulgakov’s satirical novel about the devil is packed tight with sly jokes, references, and symbolism, so that the casual reader who doesn’t work through the footnotes may find herself missing a lot. But everyone can appreciate Behemoth, the gigantic talking black cat who’s the Devil’s constant companion. Though he’s capable of taking human form, most of the time Behemoth is just the largest, snarkiest, most magical kitty you’ve ever met.

Broken mirror: The Ground Beneath Her Feet, Salman Rushdie

“In spite of all evidence that life is discontinuous, a valley of rifts, and that random chance plays a great part in our fates, we go on believing in the continuity of things, in causation and meaning,” writes Salman Rushdie in his tour de force novel about music, love, and parallel worlds. “But we live on a broken mirror, and fresh cracks appear in its surface every day.” Yes, the mirror is metaphorical, but the theme of cracks—glimpses between universes, fractures in relationships, the opening in the ground that swallows up superstar singer Vina Apsara—runs like a faultline through the book.

Doppelgänger: The Likeness, Tana French

The Likeness is the second in Tana French’s series of novels about Dublin murder detectives, but you don’t have to read the other books to appreciate this eerie, breakneck mystery. Detective Cassie Maddox is called in to investigate a murder because the corpse looks exactly like her. Maddox takes on the dead girl’s identity to go deep undercover with her roommates, who don’t know she’s supposed to be dead—or maybe one of them does?

Clock: The Clock Winder, Anne Tyler

Tyler’s “forgotten novel” was considered flawed by critics, readers, and the author herself, but frankly sometimes it’s a relief to see a genius falter a bit. The protagonist, Elizabeth, has put college on hold to spend some time working, and the work she finds is as a handyman to Mrs. Emerson, an older woman who lives surrounded by clocks in an old-money neighborhood of Baltimore. Elizabeth finds herself caught up in Mrs. Emerson’s family, which—in typical Tyler fashion—is complicated at best.

Raven: Jonathan Strange & Mr. Norrell, Susanna Clarke

These portentous birds are all over Clarke’s massive, enchanting novel about the return of magic to England in a fictionalized 19th century. The Raven King, a shadowy magician who dwells somewhere between the real world and the realm of Faerie, is the engine behind much of the book’s plot, and many of its characters harbor secret (or not-so-secret) allegiances or antipathies towards him, even when they’re not sure he exists or ever did.

Ladder: Mr. Penumbra’s 24-Hour Bookstore, Robin Sloan

The bookstore of the title has many eccentricities, but the most obvious one is its shape: a narrow chimney of books, with shelves reaching five stories up into darkness. The narrator, a bookstore clerk, frequently climbs to dizzying heights on the bookstore’s ladders to fetch one tome or another for the store’s distinctly odd customers—but the novel’s action starts when he begins to figure out what exactly he’s been selling, and why.

Owl: The Blind Owl, Sadegh Hedayat

The nameless narrator of this Iranian classic addresses his disjointed, morbid confessions to an owl-shaped shadow on his wall. When Hedayat first published it, he had to do so in India; the novel was banned in Iran. It only became available in his home country five years later, after the fall of Reza Shah. An opaque, surrealist, and disturbing book, blamed for a rash of suicides in Iran, it’s also considered a masterwork of Persian fiction. Maybe the ideal read for an unlucky day.

11 Highly Literary Tote Bags

Move over Hermès, the humble canvas tote bag is now the new prestige bag. For better or for worse, the tote bag is the new cultural touchstone, imbued with social significance that subtly reveals the lifestyle, status, and cultural capital of the wearer. I scoured Instagram and found these 11 literary tote bags that convey intellectual cachet and effortless chic.

The New Yorker

The original status symbol ubiquitous amongst the intellectual gentry of society who use this simple canvas bag to carry their organic, non-GMO avocados home from Whole Foods while making a conscientious effort to surreptitiously recycle the never read stack of the New Yorker magazines.

London Review of Books

This high-brow literary publication is the unlikely brand behind the cult “it bags” coveted by young Koreans. Only available in LRB’s London bookstore, this blue canvas bag is so popular that there’s even a trending Instagram hashtag (#런던리뷰오브북스에코백) of chicly dressed Koreans casually slinging their new fashion accessory over their shoulders.

Melville House

“I would prefer not to” is a famous line written by which great American author? Hint: He’s a dead white man who has a thing for whales. If you can’t guess the answer, you probably should not be carrying this bag.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BajgJzMDyG5

Shakespeare and Company

Have you really been to Paris if you don’t have a selfie with the Eiffel Tower and this silk-screen printed tote bag from legendary bookstore Shakespeare and Company?

Printed Matter

Nonprofit/bookstore/art space Printed Matter’s $30 tote bag is the perfect gift to annoy the grammar police in your life. Bob from accounting can’t complain about the typos in your email anymore if he’s carrying a bag that says “BOOKS IS POWER”.

Daunt Books

Daunt Bookshop’s cloth carryall screams “I was a English Literature major who studied abroad in London for a semester”.

The Strand Bookstore

Visitors inevitably leave this famed New York City bookstore with a literary-themed tote bag emblazoned with The Strand logo to let the world know “hey, I was in New York for a hot second and look how cultured I’ve become.”

Electric Literature

We’ve all read enough dead white men for multiple lifetimes.

Literary Hub

Do you #ReadToLive? Do you pray to the temple of Joan Didion? Then you must get your hands on this elusive, not-for-sale Joan Didion tote from Lit Hub.

Verso Books

The perfect cloth carryall bags made by “the largest independent, radical publishing house in the English speaking world” for cool, literary socialists who occupy Wall Street and join protests in Washington Square Park.

Riverhead Books

This publishing imprint has a highly-coveted tote bag that only publishing insiders can procure. Unless you’re the lucky winner of their social media giveaway. Update: The tote bag is now for sale!

Belletrist

Are you a #bookstagrammer who loves celebrity bookclubs? I have good news for you! You can now be the proud owner of a Belletrist tote bag that says “Life’s a beach read”.